9 ways to stop sibling rivalry
Make your children get along with these easy steps
PHOTO: HUFFINGTON POST
To a certain degree, competition between siblings is inevitable and even healthy, but only as long as it doesn't take over the peace in your home. As compiled from Readers’ Digest, here are some parenting tricks to stop sibling rivalry in its tracks and even prevent it before it starts.
Know when to intervene
Every parent with more than one child has found themselves in the middle of a heated conflict over a toy, for instance, but you have to know when to draw the line. "If it's not physical, try not to get involved until it is," Dr Barbara Greenberg, a psychologist specialising in parenting and co-author of Teenage as a Second Language, advises. "Parents often add their own negative energy to the conflict, making the matter seem more serious than it is. Often, children will resolve the issue on their own, and sibling rivalry without parental involvement teaches negotiation skills.” Courtney Ferenz, another psychologist, says, "When you do intervene, model problem-solving skills by listening to each child's perspective and facilitate the process of brainstorming about compromise."
Give them space
According to Dr Greenberg, not only do children need their own space physically, such as a bedroom, but they also need their own time to enjoy activities alone. Whether they enjoy playing a sport, or a musical instrument, children need the option to have something, and some place, just for them. "Having the time to do their own thing allows kids to be themselves, and that's important," she says. When a child feels fulfilled and seen as an individual, it diminishes the need to strive against a sibling for power.
Celebrate differences
Life can be difficult for children too, especially those with siblings of similar ages. It’s tempting for parents to place blanket expectations on them, based upon an older sibling or their own childhood, but this can damage the view of their own individuality. Celebrating each child for who they truly are can make them feel important. Dr Greenberg stressed its importance, saying, "We need all kinds of people doing all types of things. The most delicious meals are made from many different ingredients and it's no different in our homes. Differences in children only add to the beauty of families."
Encourage reciprocal celebrations
Siblings must be encouraged to celebrate one another's accomplishments. "This is a skill that will serve them well not just with a sibling, but in the future as well," Dr Greenberg says. Parents can encourage children to celebrate one another by ensuring that each of them is celebrated for individual successes regularly, and the celebrations are focused on wide-ranging achievements. Small celebrations for things such as acts of kindness, academic success or completing weekly chores are opportunities to cheer up one another.
Keep communication appropriate
Communication with children must be kept in check. Dr Greenberg warns parents against confiding in their child inappropriately. "As tempting as it is, don't confide in one child about a difficult sibling. It can breed animosity and anger. There should be no secret conversations about a child being the favourite — even if you tell each child they're the favourite when you're alone with them.”
Resist labels
"If you label one child as 'the smart one' or 'the kind one' then no other child in the family feels as though they can be smart or kind," Dr Greenberg said. "You close off an entire arena of enjoyment to the other children, and it robs them of opportunities. Parents must also avoid comparing children to each other as it implies favouritism.”
Give age-appropriate responsibilities
In some families, older siblings are tasked with caring for the younger ones. Dr Greenberg believes this causes resentment. "Older children need chores and responsibilities that suit their age, but being considered the live-in babysitter should not be one of them. They're not the parents of the younger siblings, and should not have to take on that responsibility," she says.
Discipline separately
While not all moments will offer the opportunity to discipline children in private, parents should try to do so whenever they are able. Children often delight in getting each other in trouble. If another room is not available, simply pull them to the side and speak quietly. It is important that children feel respected and heard, even while being reprimanded.
Hold family meetings
Consider scheduling weekly meetings as a way to make your children work as a team. This provides an opportunity to complement each other and provide feedback. Everyone in the family can choose something to work on.
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.
Know when to intervene
Every parent with more than one child has found themselves in the middle of a heated conflict over a toy, for instance, but you have to know when to draw the line. "If it's not physical, try not to get involved until it is," Dr Barbara Greenberg, a psychologist specialising in parenting and co-author of Teenage as a Second Language, advises. "Parents often add their own negative energy to the conflict, making the matter seem more serious than it is. Often, children will resolve the issue on their own, and sibling rivalry without parental involvement teaches negotiation skills.” Courtney Ferenz, another psychologist, says, "When you do intervene, model problem-solving skills by listening to each child's perspective and facilitate the process of brainstorming about compromise."
Give them space
According to Dr Greenberg, not only do children need their own space physically, such as a bedroom, but they also need their own time to enjoy activities alone. Whether they enjoy playing a sport, or a musical instrument, children need the option to have something, and some place, just for them. "Having the time to do their own thing allows kids to be themselves, and that's important," she says. When a child feels fulfilled and seen as an individual, it diminishes the need to strive against a sibling for power.
Celebrate differences
Life can be difficult for children too, especially those with siblings of similar ages. It’s tempting for parents to place blanket expectations on them, based upon an older sibling or their own childhood, but this can damage the view of their own individuality. Celebrating each child for who they truly are can make them feel important. Dr Greenberg stressed its importance, saying, "We need all kinds of people doing all types of things. The most delicious meals are made from many different ingredients and it's no different in our homes. Differences in children only add to the beauty of families."
Encourage reciprocal celebrations
Siblings must be encouraged to celebrate one another's accomplishments. "This is a skill that will serve them well not just with a sibling, but in the future as well," Dr Greenberg says. Parents can encourage children to celebrate one another by ensuring that each of them is celebrated for individual successes regularly, and the celebrations are focused on wide-ranging achievements. Small celebrations for things such as acts of kindness, academic success or completing weekly chores are opportunities to cheer up one another.
Keep communication appropriate
Communication with children must be kept in check. Dr Greenberg warns parents against confiding in their child inappropriately. "As tempting as it is, don't confide in one child about a difficult sibling. It can breed animosity and anger. There should be no secret conversations about a child being the favourite — even if you tell each child they're the favourite when you're alone with them.”
Resist labels
"If you label one child as 'the smart one' or 'the kind one' then no other child in the family feels as though they can be smart or kind," Dr Greenberg said. "You close off an entire arena of enjoyment to the other children, and it robs them of opportunities. Parents must also avoid comparing children to each other as it implies favouritism.”
Give age-appropriate responsibilities
In some families, older siblings are tasked with caring for the younger ones. Dr Greenberg believes this causes resentment. "Older children need chores and responsibilities that suit their age, but being considered the live-in babysitter should not be one of them. They're not the parents of the younger siblings, and should not have to take on that responsibility," she says.
Discipline separately
While not all moments will offer the opportunity to discipline children in private, parents should try to do so whenever they are able. Children often delight in getting each other in trouble. If another room is not available, simply pull them to the side and speak quietly. It is important that children feel respected and heard, even while being reprimanded.
Hold family meetings
Consider scheduling weekly meetings as a way to make your children work as a team. This provides an opportunity to complement each other and provide feedback. Everyone in the family can choose something to work on.
Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below.