Putting the ‘ew’ in ‘new’

Is Fazlur Rehman maulvi sahab of the nation? If so, will he molest the country the same way my maulvi molested me?

In a recent press conference, Law Minister Babar Awan summoned all the intellectual faculties at his disposal, combined them with his astute analysis of socio-political developments and offered up this gem of searing wisdom: “...the PPP-led government has introduced a new political culture in the country.” Now you may assume (forgivably so) that he was stating the only possible answer to the question, “What single sentence in the history of language makes less sense than any other and simultaneously causes instant death-by-violent-hemorrhagic-laughter upon being heard?” But, to his credit, he did attempt to contextualise his claim by continuing that the PPP achieved this paradigm shift by not taking any political prisoners in its current term.

It’s a factually accurate statement. What Senator Awan failed to mention, though, was that the reason was because bullying political opponents in such a manner would require actual decision taking. To expect such from a party that has demonstrated levels of lethargy that are traditionally only seen in the moments before the onset of rigor mortis is unrealistic.

In the last few months, it seems all the PPP has managed is being the political equivalent of that guy in your office who just agrees with whatever anyone else says. It doesn’t matter if he has his own opinion, indeed he might not actually be intellectually capable of formulating an opinion of his own, but he will certainly nod in agreement with whatever you say. If you kill a member of their party and then announce he was asking for it, they will sycophantically applaud you and then say you did it only before they could have. Just please don’t ask for an actual explanation of their opinion. Interior Minister Rehman Malik recently tried to explain his earlier claim of wanting to shoot any blasphemers by stating that he meant shooting them with “the bullet of the law”. In case you are wondering, the bullet of the law is chambered in the Gun of Justice, which is kept in the Holster of Semantic Appeasement. He brought up this legal weaponry while announcing that the blasphemy law can finally be discussed in frightened whispers now that Maulana Fazlur Rehman has given permission to meet him on this issue. What he failed to inform us was when exactly it was that the JUI-F chief went from being not just the leader of a political party but also the senior most religious authority in the country? Did we miss his appointment as official decider on all things Islamic? Is he the maulvi sahab of the entire nation? And if so, will he molest the country the same way my maulvi molested me?

If it took the murder of two senior party members to get the PPP to acquiesce to considering the notion of the possibility of the chance of having a talk about a conversation about a chat on the state of the blasphemy law, that too on terms set by someone else, then it’s too depressing to consider what might be needed to convince them to actually do something about it.

The PML-N, meanwhile, has accomplished the impossible by seeming like a poor alternative to a party that gave us President Asif Ali Zardari. Under these conditions, even the Mass-Murderers-and-Serial-Killers-In-Favour-of-Baby-Barbeques Party could look like a viable alternative and yet the Nawaz League has even bungled that. Their entire political platform seems to be to loudly disagree with anything the PPP says. That and threaten long marches. They may be a sad choice for government come election time, but we found the team to get us the gold in the next Olympic Triathlon. In retrospect, Babar Awan was right, there is a new political culture in the country. You will note, he never said ‘better’.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 17^th, 2011.