Nawaz, Imran and Zardari share New Year resolutions
Here's what Pakistani leaders aspire to do in 2017
Pakistani politicians share their 2017 resolutions. (satire) PHOTO: Reuters
With New Year comes new resolutions and in an investigative scoop, The Express Tribune has learnt what Pakistani politicians aspire to do in 2017. In a pre-emptive move, before the Prime Minister House issues a denial, we want to state the information was confirmed by two-and-a-half reliable sources and we stand by our story.
Nawaz Sharif
- Stay as the prime minister of Pakistan
- Pray that my pick for army chief be good for me for once
- Eat healthy - I had a heart operation last year and so I should move from five plates of nalli nihari to four plates only to take care of my health and walk at least five steps each day
PM never said London flats were owned by Hussain Nawaz: SC
- Survive the tenure - just one more year left, don’t do anything stupid
- Go to London more often
- Drug Imran Khan to get him to stop bothering me
- Continue not reading news or anything really
Imran Khan
- Finally become the prime minister of Pakistan
- Realise the dream of Naya Pakistan by becoming the prime minister of Pakistan and arrange a dharna from Islamabad to Istanbul
- Challenge Nawaz Sharif to a push-up contest in which the winner will become the prime minister of Pakistan. If that fails, I will challenge Nawaz to a tables, ladders and chairs match. I must get into shape to get ready for the big fight!
- Get third time lucky; come on ladies!
- Drug Nawaz Sharif; send even more nihari to Raiwind
Asif Ali Zardari
- Get 10%
- Be relevant again; now that I am well-rested, I vow to spend at least a minute every day to think about Pakistan
- Stop posting memes against Bilawal Bhutto online
- Stop sending Bilawal Bhutto text messages saying “Abu toh phir mai hee ho”
- Amass even more health
- Consider actually caring about the 2018 elections
- Lend Sheikh Rasheed my moustache wax to show him some class
- Teach Sindhi to Bilawal Bhutto
Altaf Hussain
- Continue violence
- Get in touch with Farooq Sattar; y u no pick up my phone?
- Revolutionise Pakistan, or as I call it Karachistan, in 2017; MQM will return to power and I will rule over the entire country from 10 Downing Street
- Get Skype Pro
Shahbaz Sharif
- Make Hamza Shahbaz the King
- Find a way to make the entire CPEC run through Punjab; there will be an underpasses from Lahore to Beijing
- Get even more safari suits stitched for myself
- Make Pakistan ‘roshan’, or at least install more billboards in Lahore with my face on it
Bilawal Bhutto
- Make Sindh Festival 2017 better than Tomorrowland
- Stop reading text messages from Dad
Confident of victory: PPP chief believes 2017 will be year of elections
- Continue working with a voice therapist and writing the screenplay for the Pakistani version of The King’s Speech
- Get daddy to leave Pakistan
- Get daddy’s friends to like and respect me
Shaikh Rasheed
- Stay single
- Get Imran Khan to do more dharnas
- Make a Guinness world record for most TV talk shows attended in a year
- Buy a better moustache wax
- Make a Guinness world record for most cigars smoked in a year
Mamnoon Hussain
- Exist
- Stay
Pervez Musharraf
- Build a time machine and travel back to when I was the president!
- Go viral in Pakistan by giving Indian news channels more impassioned interviews; my interviews will make me president again
- Travel back in time and win the Kargil war!
Maryam Nawaz
- Get another million followers on Twitter
- Become even better at tweeting
- Beat Hamza Shahbaz to the Sharif crown
Pervaiz Khattak
- Don’t let Imran Khan find out I am secretly Jamaat-e-Islami, and not Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf
Tahirul Qadri
- Make another trip to Pakistan; I am getting bored
Shah Mahmood Qureshi
- Do a PhD on Game of Thrones to figure out how to get rid of all my enemies and win the great game
Farooq Sattar
- Keep Bhai away
Parvaiz Rashid
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan
Khawaja Asif
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Pervaiz Rashid
Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Khawaja Asif
This article is a work of satire and fiction
Nawaz Sharif
- Stay as the prime minister of Pakistan
- Pray that my pick for army chief be good for me for once
- Eat healthy - I had a heart operation last year and so I should move from five plates of nalli nihari to four plates only to take care of my health and walk at least five steps each day
PM never said London flats were owned by Hussain Nawaz: SC
- Survive the tenure - just one more year left, don’t do anything stupid
- Go to London more often
- Drug Imran Khan to get him to stop bothering me
- Continue not reading news or anything really
Imran Khan
- Finally become the prime minister of Pakistan
- Realise the dream of Naya Pakistan by becoming the prime minister of Pakistan and arrange a dharna from Islamabad to Istanbul
- Challenge Nawaz Sharif to a push-up contest in which the winner will become the prime minister of Pakistan. If that fails, I will challenge Nawaz to a tables, ladders and chairs match. I must get into shape to get ready for the big fight!
- Get third time lucky; come on ladies!
- Drug Nawaz Sharif; send even more nihari to Raiwind
Asif Ali Zardari
- Get 10%
- Be relevant again; now that I am well-rested, I vow to spend at least a minute every day to think about Pakistan
- Stop posting memes against Bilawal Bhutto online
- Stop sending Bilawal Bhutto text messages saying “Abu toh phir mai hee ho”
- Amass even more health
- Consider actually caring about the 2018 elections
- Lend Sheikh Rasheed my moustache wax to show him some class
- Teach Sindhi to Bilawal Bhutto
Altaf Hussain
- Continue violence
- Get in touch with Farooq Sattar; y u no pick up my phone?
- Revolutionise Pakistan, or as I call it Karachistan, in 2017; MQM will return to power and I will rule over the entire country from 10 Downing Street
- Get Skype Pro
Shahbaz Sharif
- Make Hamza Shahbaz the King
- Find a way to make the entire CPEC run through Punjab; there will be an underpasses from Lahore to Beijing
- Get even more safari suits stitched for myself
- Make Pakistan ‘roshan’, or at least install more billboards in Lahore with my face on it
Bilawal Bhutto
- Make Sindh Festival 2017 better than Tomorrowland
- Stop reading text messages from Dad
Confident of victory: PPP chief believes 2017 will be year of elections
- Continue working with a voice therapist and writing the screenplay for the Pakistani version of The King’s Speech
- Get daddy to leave Pakistan
- Get daddy’s friends to like and respect me
Shaikh Rasheed
- Stay single
- Get Imran Khan to do more dharnas
- Make a Guinness world record for most TV talk shows attended in a year
- Buy a better moustache wax
- Make a Guinness world record for most cigars smoked in a year
Mamnoon Hussain
- Exist
- Stay
Pervez Musharraf
- Build a time machine and travel back to when I was the president!
- Go viral in Pakistan by giving Indian news channels more impassioned interviews; my interviews will make me president again
- Travel back in time and win the Kargil war!
Maryam Nawaz
- Get another million followers on Twitter
- Become even better at tweeting
- Beat Hamza Shahbaz to the Sharif crown
Pervaiz Khattak
- Don’t let Imran Khan find out I am secretly Jamaat-e-Islami, and not Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf
Tahirul Qadri
- Make another trip to Pakistan; I am getting bored
Shah Mahmood Qureshi
- Do a PhD on Game of Thrones to figure out how to get rid of all my enemies and win the great game
Farooq Sattar
- Keep Bhai away
Parvaiz Rashid
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan
Khawaja Asif
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Pervaiz Rashid
Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan
- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Khawaja Asif
This article is a work of satire and fiction