Comprehending clinical depression
‘Depression can suck all the energy out of you'
The writer is the recipient of the James A Wechsler Award for International Reporting and a graduate of Columbia University’s Graduate School of Journalism. He tweets @Mbilallakhani
‘Googling how to commit suicide painlessly was the equivalent of hitting rock bottom I thought,’ shares Ali Awan,* a corporate banker in his early 30s. ‘But I was wrong. I was going to sink much lower than I had imagined possible. I’ve lived a normal, almost privileged life and never thought I would contemplate suicide, especially when I had all the external markers of happiness: a job at a multi-national bank, a loving family and caring friends. But under the surface of a seemingly perfect life, there was a storm brewing silently. I thought only crazy people committed suicide until I tried it myself.’
‘It started as a harmless attempt to distract myself from the gut wrenching depression sapping all my energy,’ Ali shares. ‘The idea of suicide is as much of an escape as suicide itself. Suddenly, I had a short cut to solving all the problems overwhelming my hyper-sensitive soul. I wouldn’t be haunted by the past and anxious about the future if there was no life to live. My research showed that hanging was the easiest method but it could be painful if it goes wrong. I looked at a few pictures online and they scared me. So I searched hard for an even easier option. Slow suffocation with a plastic trash bag on my head. Eventually the carbon monoxide concentration in the bag would be sufficient to cause death. After the first 60 seconds, I came up for a breath. I couldn’t take the smell of the bag. When I researched this option again, I learned that a failed attempt could cause certain organs to fail and result in a painful life for the survivor. I put away the thought of suicide for a few days. I had escaped for now.’
‘Depression can suck all the energy out of you,’ shares Ali. ‘I compare it to the mental image of the role Dementors play in Harry Potter. When you’re depressed, you desperately search for something to look forward to. Something which can give you energy. Without any irony, suicide appears as an energising force. The thought of taking your life, gives you life when you’re at your lowest. There was a metal bar hanging in a hallway at my house. It could do the trick. I was alone in the house that day.’
‘I took a stool and put it under the metal bar. I wanted to see how long it would take for me to pull my bluff. I stood on the stool. I felt the bar with my hands; it was cold but not as cold as I thought it would be. I came back down. I went back up on the stool two minutes later. I hung myself while still resting my feet on the stool. I pushed the stool away with my feet. I was still using my hands on the metal bar to support my neck. I couldn’t pull the trigger. I called my wife of five years and told her what was happening. She rushed home. We called in my parents. She was crying. I was numb; insensitive to all feeling. Watching myself from a distance.’
‘When you hit this low, you feel there’s no way back up,’ shares Ali. ‘But there is a way or atleast for me there was one. I saw a psychiatrist, a therapist and an Imam. The psychiatrist gave me medicine which put a floor on my mood. I couldn’t get depressed anymore (not even about the fact that I had lost so badly in life that I needed medicine to not stay depressed). But the energy and hunger for life didn’t come back that easily. I had to work with an Imam to restore my faith and spiritual connection with God. I had to find a higher purpose in life; to help others positively through sharing my difficult experience. I’m still seeing a therapist to unpack the actual triggers for the depression.’
‘The road to recovery is long and difficult but it is possible to bounce back, even stronger than you were before. If this story can save one person from thinking about committing suicide, the purpose of sharing this story would be achieved. Please share this story with someone in need.’ Let’s erase the stigma around depression by talking about it openly with #NoMoreStigma.
*Name has been changed due to the personal nature of the subject matter.
Published in The Express Tribune, December 1st, 2016.
‘It started as a harmless attempt to distract myself from the gut wrenching depression sapping all my energy,’ Ali shares. ‘The idea of suicide is as much of an escape as suicide itself. Suddenly, I had a short cut to solving all the problems overwhelming my hyper-sensitive soul. I wouldn’t be haunted by the past and anxious about the future if there was no life to live. My research showed that hanging was the easiest method but it could be painful if it goes wrong. I looked at a few pictures online and they scared me. So I searched hard for an even easier option. Slow suffocation with a plastic trash bag on my head. Eventually the carbon monoxide concentration in the bag would be sufficient to cause death. After the first 60 seconds, I came up for a breath. I couldn’t take the smell of the bag. When I researched this option again, I learned that a failed attempt could cause certain organs to fail and result in a painful life for the survivor. I put away the thought of suicide for a few days. I had escaped for now.’
‘Depression can suck all the energy out of you,’ shares Ali. ‘I compare it to the mental image of the role Dementors play in Harry Potter. When you’re depressed, you desperately search for something to look forward to. Something which can give you energy. Without any irony, suicide appears as an energising force. The thought of taking your life, gives you life when you’re at your lowest. There was a metal bar hanging in a hallway at my house. It could do the trick. I was alone in the house that day.’
‘I took a stool and put it under the metal bar. I wanted to see how long it would take for me to pull my bluff. I stood on the stool. I felt the bar with my hands; it was cold but not as cold as I thought it would be. I came back down. I went back up on the stool two minutes later. I hung myself while still resting my feet on the stool. I pushed the stool away with my feet. I was still using my hands on the metal bar to support my neck. I couldn’t pull the trigger. I called my wife of five years and told her what was happening. She rushed home. We called in my parents. She was crying. I was numb; insensitive to all feeling. Watching myself from a distance.’
‘When you hit this low, you feel there’s no way back up,’ shares Ali. ‘But there is a way or atleast for me there was one. I saw a psychiatrist, a therapist and an Imam. The psychiatrist gave me medicine which put a floor on my mood. I couldn’t get depressed anymore (not even about the fact that I had lost so badly in life that I needed medicine to not stay depressed). But the energy and hunger for life didn’t come back that easily. I had to work with an Imam to restore my faith and spiritual connection with God. I had to find a higher purpose in life; to help others positively through sharing my difficult experience. I’m still seeing a therapist to unpack the actual triggers for the depression.’
‘The road to recovery is long and difficult but it is possible to bounce back, even stronger than you were before. If this story can save one person from thinking about committing suicide, the purpose of sharing this story would be achieved. Please share this story with someone in need.’ Let’s erase the stigma around depression by talking about it openly with #NoMoreStigma.
*Name has been changed due to the personal nature of the subject matter.
Published in The Express Tribune, December 1st, 2016.