Horror scope

Aries:

Try to avoid work today, you don’t want to spoil a well-established routine. You will soon receive a pleasant surprise when you find out someone in your family has died, but that it isn’t you. Remember to take everything with a pinch of salt, unless you have high blood pressure.

Taurus:

“The landlord says your rent is late, he may have to litigate, but don’t worry, be happy.” There is much travel in your future when you will be kidnapped and taken to another country. Onion is a good smell for you today.

Gemini:

Today is a good day to lose some pounds, the exchange rate is up. Try not to crash into the electricity pole after running over a pedestrian during your driving lesson. Try not to run over the pedestrian during your driving lesson. Try not to go on your driving lesson. Remember, most problems are easily solved with a loaded firearm — pointed at your head.

Cancer:

You’ll notice an unsightly blemish on your face today; the doctor will call it a nose. The future holds great things for you, unfortunately you’ll always live in the present. People are laughing behind your back, did you forget to sew your trousers? Wear your best clothes, put on some perfume and use big words, you might just fool someone today.

Leo:

If you talk backwards and hop around on one leg, today could bring many psychiatric medicines. Later, why not take a relaxing evening stroll at a nearby park? Walk to the far corner, stop behind the bushes, come alone, or else.

Virgo:

All Virgos will have their dreams come true today — except you. Now is not a good time to staple your tongue to your chin, perhaps next week. You can also look forward to migraines, utility bills and unwanted guests.

Libra:

Today is a good day to move to another country, change your name and start a new life — the police have found your fingerprints. All things grow with love, but even more so with fertiliser. Your efforts don’t just go unrewarded, they also go unnoticed.

Scorpio:

The early bird gets shot. It’s hunting season, stay in bed. You will be asked to deliver a convincing speech soon, explaining to the judge how the company funds ended in your personal account. Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Sagittarius:

That backache will not bother you so much today, it’ll hardly be noticeable over the hernia. The boss will be evaluating you for a promotion, remember to pass on any blame and take credit for any success. Eat out; your wife has poisoned the stew.

Capricorn:

Take your time getting to work, you’re going to get fired anyway. Frequent visits to the toilet await you. Don’t worry, it’s not gastric — it’s your new job. Someone who loves you wants you to change, explain to them you only have this one pair of pants. “Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife.”

Aquarius:

Trouble at home. Your parents will tell you they’re having a difficult time thinking of you as their son, despite the sex change operation. The feelings of another will become clearer to you after they try and stab you with a pencil. Today might get tiring, but you’ll sleep easy at night knowing you outran an angry gorilla.

Pisces:

What you formerly thought was a bad idea will bloom into a total disaster today; you can feel smug about being right. Share what you have with the rest of the world, but make sure there’s a cure for it. Success is yours if you sacrifice enough goats.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, February 27^th, 2011.