8 things I wish I had never heard after being diagnosed with breast cancer
My life just changed forever, there was no warning. Things were okay before but will never be “okay” again.
Pakistan has the highest rate of breast cancer among all Asian countries – one in nine Pakistani women will be diagnosed with this horrible disease.
The diagnosis is a shock but the days after that are even harder to endure. I know this as I have lived through it. It has been almost a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35, pregnant with my third child.
I want to share here a few things that people said to me after hearing of my diagnosis, which I wish they never did, and I hope that any person going through what I did never has to face.
I do not want to walk you step by step through the most horrific time of my life, the moment which defines everything now. I do not want to relive that which is already etched in to my being. As time has passed, I no longer find it that painful to describe the day when I felt the lump, but right after my diagnosis, it is not the time to ask.
This question gets old very quickly.
I’m in shock.
I have cancer.
I’m pregnant.
I’m unsure of what will happen to my unborn baby, to me or my kids – how do you think I’m feeling?
I stopped taking calls because I couldn’t face this question over and over again.
What do you want me to say?
Really? How do you know?
Where is your crystal ball?
My life just changed forever, without warning. Things were okay before but will never be “okay” again. Cancer affects you forever. You carry that burden with you, always. Whoever walks this road, their life changes forever. You get better and many times you don’t, and there is no return to the life you had before.
First of all, are you my physician? If not, then it is none of your business. Secondly, it’s a disease, not a dress. Medical advice online does not make you an expert. I’m struggling, grieving the loss of my health, dreading the surgery and you want me to describe, in detail, what the surgeon will cut and take forever, leaving my body to never be the same? It is already very traumatic for me, I am not sure I am ready to face the post-surgical me, so why is it relevant to you. Why do you want to know the details?
No kidding. I know. I’m willing to have toxic poison course through me because I am struggling to save my life and my baby’s. If there is anyone in the world who has researched for what’s best for me, it is me, the person staring at an aggressive form of cancer at a young age. Do you really think Facebook posts about natural cancer cures are credible alternatives to well-studied treatments?
Is that supposed to make me feel better or help me in anyway?
Every second of every day, I think of my children and the thought that I may not be there to see them grow up.
So, are you assuming that I have never helped anyone? That is why “it” hasn’t helped me and I’m facing this?
Don’t preach, don’t judge, especially not now.
This one really upset me. I wanted to bring the people who said this with me to the breast cancer centre I went to. Breast cancer is a devastating disease.
Yes, I’m thankful that there has been research and many new treatment regimens are available now, but there are still 521,000 deaths reported annually by the World Health Organisation (WHO), with under-reporting from many countries. You might think you are trying to reassure me but it actually only makes me feel alone, as if no one understands the pain that I am enduring.
I hope it never happens to anyone, but if you hear of your friend, neighbour or family member being diagnosed with breast cancer, just be there for her. Let her know you want to help and please avoid the above.
The diagnosis is a shock but the days after that are even harder to endure. I know this as I have lived through it. It has been almost a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35, pregnant with my third child.
I want to share here a few things that people said to me after hearing of my diagnosis, which I wish they never did, and I hope that any person going through what I did never has to face.
1. “How did you find out that you have cancer?”
I do not want to walk you step by step through the most horrific time of my life, the moment which defines everything now. I do not want to relive that which is already etched in to my being. As time has passed, I no longer find it that painful to describe the day when I felt the lump, but right after my diagnosis, it is not the time to ask.
2. “How are you (feeling)?”
This question gets old very quickly.
I’m in shock.
I have cancer.
I’m pregnant.
I’m unsure of what will happen to my unborn baby, to me or my kids – how do you think I’m feeling?
I stopped taking calls because I couldn’t face this question over and over again.
What do you want me to say?
“I’m great! I feel like I’m on top of the world!”
3. “It’s going to be okay.”
Really? How do you know?
Where is your crystal ball?
My life just changed forever, without warning. Things were okay before but will never be “okay” again. Cancer affects you forever. You carry that burden with you, always. Whoever walks this road, their life changes forever. You get better and many times you don’t, and there is no return to the life you had before.
4. “So, what is the exact surgery that you’re going for? I did some research online and there are different options, which one did you pick?”
First of all, are you my physician? If not, then it is none of your business. Secondly, it’s a disease, not a dress. Medical advice online does not make you an expert. I’m struggling, grieving the loss of my health, dreading the surgery and you want me to describe, in detail, what the surgeon will cut and take forever, leaving my body to never be the same? It is already very traumatic for me, I am not sure I am ready to face the post-surgical me, so why is it relevant to you. Why do you want to know the details?
5. “Have you considered alternatives to mainstream medicine, chemotherapy can be pretty harsh, you know.”
No kidding. I know. I’m willing to have toxic poison course through me because I am struggling to save my life and my baby’s. If there is anyone in the world who has researched for what’s best for me, it is me, the person staring at an aggressive form of cancer at a young age. Do you really think Facebook posts about natural cancer cures are credible alternatives to well-studied treatments?
6. “When I heard of your diagnosis, I kept thinking of how young your kids are.” (Followed by sad smile or cluck)
Is that supposed to make me feel better or help me in anyway?
Every second of every day, I think of my children and the thought that I may not be there to see them grow up.
7. “Prayer and charity helps, it helps ward off ills and has helped me.”
So, are you assuming that I have never helped anyone? That is why “it” hasn’t helped me and I’m facing this?
Don’t preach, don’t judge, especially not now.
8. “There are so many treatments for breast cancer now; it isn’t even considered a disease!”
This one really upset me. I wanted to bring the people who said this with me to the breast cancer centre I went to. Breast cancer is a devastating disease.
Yes, I’m thankful that there has been research and many new treatment regimens are available now, but there are still 521,000 deaths reported annually by the World Health Organisation (WHO), with under-reporting from many countries. You might think you are trying to reassure me but it actually only makes me feel alone, as if no one understands the pain that I am enduring.
I hope it never happens to anyone, but if you hear of your friend, neighbour or family member being diagnosed with breast cancer, just be there for her. Let her know you want to help and please avoid the above.