Do Pakistani women only look good for other people?

"Why were you at aerobics?" Pakistani women dress for, lose weight and look good for others instead of for...

One random Monday, after my aerobics class, I went grocery shopping. Still in my sports gear, I greeted another woman there, someone I didn’t know. After an exchange of smiles and pleasantries, she scrutinised my attire, visible even under a chaadar. She asked me,

“From where are you coming?”

I replied,

“From aerobics.”

She further inquired,

“But why?”

But why? Seriously? I was this close to giving up on Pakistani women. I shared my sob story with another female who said,

“That woman must be complimenting you because you are not fat, so why should you exercise?”

A third woman heard the whole saga and said empathetically,

“Maybe her husband likes her to be thin!”

And the fourth one said,

“Family mein koi shaadi aanay wali hai? (Is there a wedding in your family?) Ya kitty join kee hai recently? (Or have you joined a committee recently?) You have to be very maintained for the committee lunches, you know.”

In all of this, where am I, the woman, I wonder.

Women globally, and Pakistani women particularly, do not look good for themselves, do they? They do not have the concept of doing things just to make themselves happy. While a teeny-weeny percentage of urban activist types may be getting there, the fact is, most of us dress up, lose weight and look good for others.

While it is wonderful to look good for someone you love, it should not be the only reason. For one, it puts too much pressure on the man, Why, you ask? Well, because if he does not give you the right compliment at the right time, you end up being shattered. Men, as we all know, notice better when something’s wrong with how you look. Expecting them to notice the neon orange nail-colour or your new blue eyeliner is too much to ask. It takes something drastic to get their attention.

Also, if for any reason, say a break up, that person is not in your life tomorrow, will you give up on yourself? In addition, don’t you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror and see someone svelte, fit and confident?

In many cases, the man is the indirect reason. You are his trophy wife and thus, over time, you may find your taste in clothes, shoes and make up changing. Peer pressure kicks in. We start wearing our hair a certain way, dressing a certain way and even talking a certain way. Everyone starts resembling one-another and then you just get lost in the crowd of people you start socialising with. Nothing about you stands out. The best thing about you is your individuality and that starts depreciating. We become one of the many with dead straight hair and low lights, huge hand-bags and the same predictable conversation

But is it always the man we want to look good for, directly or indirectly?

Not always.

I remember chatting to friend, a man, and he had some interesting observations.

“Most women do not dress for men, they dress for other women. Men don’t care what others wear or whether they repeat dresses or not. Women, on the other hand, remember what someone wore 13 months ago at Babloo’s birthday, who is an aunt’s daughter’s sister-in-law’s son. This is why we have the size zero phenomenon. Quite honestly, men don’t even like size zero!”

Take it one step further, I know mothers who want to look a certain way because their children want them to look and dress in a certain way.

Essentially, the problem is that for a lot of women, the most important person in their lives is not themselves. It is other people. This is also obvious from an analysis of the things women spend most time, money and effort on in a list of things that make us look better.

Let me throw in a list of five things that make us look good. Ask yourselves which one of these comes on the top of the priority list for Pakistani women:

1. Clothes, shoes, accessories

2. Teeth (which means your smile)

3. Fitness (Not for the weight-loss aspect, but just because exercising helps release happy hormones. And possibly helps you get rid of those anti-depressants hidden in your bottom drawer!)

4. Skin care, hair care, manicures and pedicures

5. Make up

Because we are so focused on what’s most important to others, our priorities are jumbled up. A majority of Pakistani women will end up spending thousands every month on number one but ignore the others in comparison. Especially number two, caring for your teeth, is shoved to the bottom of the list of priorities. I mean, how many women do you know who would choose to spend money on making their smile pretty rather than buying designer lawn?

Feeling good about yourself and for yourself is imperative because at the end of the day, you are the most important person in your life. A happier person, man or woman, who is more self-aware, is simply a better parent, spouse, sibling, friend and human!