The Way I See It
Why women fight other women

Why women fight other women

Everywhere we turn, women are knifing each other with their eyes, constantly judging and ridiculing each other.

Saba Khalid April 06, 2012

The old adage, “Men can hurt my body, but women can scar my soul,” is one of those undeniable truths all women experience but most easily deny. Because isn’t it easier to blame men for all the injustice, inequality and viciousness we experience rather than assigning blame to our own kind, our own gender, our own sisters?

But everywhere we turn, at home, in high schools and definitely at the workplace, women are knifing each other with their eyes, talking behind their backs, constantly judging and ridiculing each other, and metaphorically pushing each other around.

Whether it’s the mother and daughter-in-law relationship, female friendships in school, or female co-workers, it seems we are constantly pitted against one another. One has to fail, for the other to succeed.

It’s easy to understand this mindset, since there are very few positions of power for women; so of course, women have to fight tooth and nail to get them. And when they do, why would they want to help another to take their throne. No woman helped them get on it, so why should they? And in effect, this vicious circle continues unabatedly and unashamedly, until more and more women fall victim to it.

The common perception seems to be that female bosses are ‘backstabbing’, ‘easily threatened’, ‘emotionally unpredictable’ or ‘irritable’. In fact, according to a survey carried out by the American Management Association, “95 per cent of women felt undermined at some point in their career by other women”.

A study by a PhD student at the University of Texas-Austin claimed that women primarily dress up and own “nice things” in order to impress other women.

All this brings me back to the same question. When men cause women damage in their own ways, then why does the wound caused by a woman hurt more? Is it because we trust each other? Or is it because we are close to them?

I think it’s because we expect better from them. It’s because we expect them to understand our pain and struggle. It’s because we expect more empathy from them.

It’s because they’re us and we’re them.

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WRITTEN BY:
Saba Khalid A blogger for Rolling Stone magazine, a contributor to Kulturaustauch and Musikexpres, Saba is an Institute for Foreign Affairs (IFA) Cross Culture scholar for the year 2012 who also teaches creative writing to young aspiring writers. She blogs at www.thecityalive.com and can be found on instagram as @thecityalive

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

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COMMENTS (22)

Vikram | 12 years ago | Reply People fight because of their distorted way of thinking. Two women (or men) may be ready to kill each other for something. If the same thing happens between 2 other women (or men) they even may not notice it. Physiologically speaking I wonder if higher levels of testasterone makes women more aggressive with other women or draws them away from women and make them more interested in men.

Nayla | 12 years ago | Reply And, although not related to the original article, I would also like to mention another unfortunate symptom caused by patriarchal societies where women are not on 50/50 equal footing with men. The mentality of being a "GOLD-DIGGER". I don't know if this issue is complained of as much by men in the East, but here in the West, men complain of this all the time. They put women down, saying we are all gold-diggers. I do agree that it is a problem with a lot of women, but the men fail to understand that the male gender is somewhat responsible for this "female trait". Since the beginning of time, in almost all societies, women have suffered under patriarchal norms that had womens' lives and status at the mercy of men. Women were not allowed to earn a living for themselves. Their best hope in order to live a comfortable life, or just survive, was to find a husband who could support her financially, since she had no means of her own. This issue has been ingrained into the female psyche for so long, and even though women are gaining strides in being able to work for a living and able to support themselves instead of needing to find a husband do support them, I think it will take many decades, in the least, to work itself out of our psyches. Of course, there will always be "gold-diggers", but I think that as a society progresses and allows women more autonomy and opportunities to support themselves, it will become less and less of a problem.

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Nayla | 12 years ago | Reply The main issue of women attacking and treating other women like that is: POWER, jealousy and fear. In such a patriarchal society, it is easier for a woman to treat another woman like that, because society views men as being better and a woman is below a man, so she doesn't feel like she can treat a man that way - thus, she takes her frustrations and her need to exert power and control over her fellow women. Some of the issues that have caused this feeling around men is: Polygamy. When a woman knows that her husband can just bring home a co-wife at any time, it makes her fearful, jealous and hateful of other women. There is ALWAYS a little thought in the back of her head telling her that all other women are potential rivals for her husband. The family structure that says husbands are the authority and wives are to obey. In these marriages, the wife has absolutely NO power over her husband, not even an equal footing. She also lacks power over HERSELF Thus, in a need to exert power and control, she will turn on other females. A perfect example is the mother-in-laws who beat and torture (physically and mentally) their son's wife. In a family unit where the men have all the power, the daughter-in-law becomes the easy target. Until marriages are looked at as the husband and wife being an EQUAL PARTNERSHIP, and neither has authority over the other, this issue will remain. In such patriarchal societies where women have no equal footing with men, let alone much power over their own lives and selves, there will always be this issue with women treating each other like that. Womens' powerlessness in their own lives created a need to exert control and power over others - other women are the only available targets. It's a shame really, because these underlying causes have been ordained by Allah, so they really can't be stopped without going against Islam.

darkera | 12 years ago | Reply In my opinion women are stereo typically seen as "fighting each other over the attentions of a single man" as dramas like humsafar would have you think. I believe instead of forming opinions based on a show that only strengthens the belief that woman are insecure in their own space and instantly rival what they perceive as "tough competition" (i.e other women) we should open our eyes to what lies beyond our narrow mind-set and be little less single-headed about this, Why is jealousy so readily a trait associated with woman is something beyond me, why is it only applicable to women? or is it too sissy a term to be associated with men? Sure woman get jealous in their own ways too, at workplace, where the job market is tough women are fighting tooth and nail to secure their jobs and a constant struggle to prove themselves with new innovative ideas in the this crazy pool of competition filled with people who believe their smarter than the rest of the mass and will go to any heights to prove themselves, but doesn't that go for men too, where in a country like Pakistan most of the breadwinners are still male? Women however in a country likes ours have only begun to gain control of power positions and there has been a steady rise of working women in the past one decade, landing in positions of power was more like a shaky take off for women but in my opinion it will ensure a smooth landing once they gain more confidence in their skills as being equally competent to other women out there, but in the harsh world of never- ending challenges to prove oneself constantly we cannot pinpoint either of the gender as to who is more jealousy driven at workplace, just my opinion.

Momina | 12 years ago | Reply Women even fight eachother (silently) over who gets the most 'likes' on their facebook display picture. It is a phenomena I have recently begun to discover.

Parvez | 12 years ago | Reply You asked a good question and in the end gave a good answer.

Big Rizvi | 12 years ago | Reply The real problem here is that you women think that life is a soap opera and blame men for everything. Even things that they didn't do. The women of Pakistan have themselves accepted the inferiority imposed by men. No woman ever thought of exercising her right to questioning and standing up for themselves. You women are responsible for your own loses, it's not our fault.

Hardy | 12 years ago | Reply I'm assuming you're a soft spoken, kind person and in the work place, conniving women prey on such females. I bet you've been a victim?

Faraz Talat | 12 years ago | Reply The Truth, Build yourself a time machine and come join us in the 21st century. I'm not denying the biological differences of men and women. But they should still be offered the same opportunities because not all men and women fall perfectly into your stereotypic classifications. I assure you, I personally know a woman who can beat you at arm wrestling or any sport from cricket to badminton. If a woman is refused a job because she lacks the necessary skills for it, that is perfectly acceptable. But if she's refused a job simply because she's a "she", then that's messed up.

Sultan Mehmood | 12 years ago | Reply that was interesting!

Farah Shafi | 12 years ago | Reply @Sadia Hussain: well said Sadia agreed totally.

TheTruth | 12 years ago | Reply You girls can go on and blame men for most of your issues (unequal social status, no job opportunities) but the fact of the matter is that you are your own greatest enemy. Women cannot compliment other women. There's always a sense of jealousy there, an extent which cannot be matched by men. If men don't like something, they'll say it to each other's face. Women are more prone to be two faced. Even with the closest of their friends. @Faraz Talat, don't blame everything on 'unequal job oppurtunities'. Men and women were never meant to be equal. There are some things that men are and always will be better at (for example physical tasks), and there are some in which women by nature are better (generally more organized). And there are some on which both can excel at. You will always have more men soldiers than women. It's a fact of life, nothing to do with 'unequal oppurtunities'. It's about knowing your role in society. Something which some women and especially feminists do not understand.

Sadia Hussain | 12 years ago | Reply I changed the word female to male everywhere in the article and every single statement still seemed true. The only difference b/w the two scenarios is that women are more verbally adept, they express their anger differently than men who are engaged in more physical means. Men can very well be: 1) Jealous of other men 2) Contrive vicious plots to harm their rival men 3) Backstab 4) Be part of terrible power struggle against other men 5) Fight with other men in achieving mates Humans have been struggling against other humans since forever, they fight with the other gender or their own. In a world of limited resources and limitless passion, there would always be a conflict of interest b/w humans and these are the conflicts that give rise to some of the most fascinating and interesting outcomes

seeker | 12 years ago | Reply there is no one reason for this attitude and cant be explained generally Instinctly,women are the managers of the "little worlds".They are so generous and self sacrifying when they are dealing with their brothers, fathers, kids, grandchildren and helpless entities They make excellent teachers, governesses nurses and house managers,but when it comes to dealing with other women in a bigger setup the insecurity they feel , make them behave little

um | 12 years ago | Reply very well written, so true to be.. and i think woman's biggest enemy is other woman, at first place. You can see that in every field of life If a woman is left alone with a man in whole world where there's no other women they would never cause a fight ( that's a different topic though -:) )

Faraz Talat | 12 years ago | Reply You answered it yourself. It's primarily because women get fewer opportunities than men. It's rare to see women anywhere outside the fields of medicine, media and computer sciences. I'm talking here about careers. As far as jobs are concerned, female security guards aren't always in high demand. Military is entirely a man's game. Women are forced to compete for a small band on an otherwise massive spectrum of jobs and careers. Some give up and concentrate on husband-hunting, and that too isn't without competition. In either case, they're more likely to end up fighting off other women than men. This will continue until women are given equal social status and same job opportunities as men.

Rehan | 12 years ago | Reply @noor: Some (Pakistani) Male perspective here. Men do get very jealous of each other. The jealousy, however, is limited to which male is more successful than the other in financial terms. Men do not care about which man is better looking or wears better clothes than them or whatever as long as that other man is less successful than us. :) Regards, Rehan

concerned | 12 years ago | Reply women who fight are pathetic. too many insecurites.

alina | 12 years ago | Reply @noor Personally I think Pakistani women have alot of spare time to indulge in cat fights We cannot generalise this. I have seen pakistani women who have such warm hearts. I think it depends mostly on how our personality is. Fights usually happen between women, when they feel insecure about there image, they tend to be very weak. Fights donnot show that you are actually courageous but actually a sign of weakness when you cannot control your emotions. So those girls who get jealous over the simplest thing, please get over it as we have to accept the fact that many could be better then us, as competition is very important in our lives.

n00r | 12 years ago | Reply In my own opinion I think women have more jealousy factor than men ( I might be wrong) and they tend to compete more with each other than with the male population. In my own experience I havent met alot of women who would praise or support another woman (mostly it is done half heartly), rather there is always this desire to outperform the others. Have you seen a guy getting jealous of his friend over what he is wearing ( only a guy can tell this better). Personally I think Pakistani women have alot of spare time to indulge in cat fights and since women tend to be more emotionally driven a simple fight can span over months or year, so my word of advise to all young women , keep busy you wont remember to fight with your spouse or your mom in law if you have your energies dedicated to other productive things in life, if you have only few hours of leisure then of course who wants to waste it on fights and learn to laugh and relax we only have one life to live.

haroon khan | 12 years ago | Reply There is an immense amount of self-hate in the women in our society.Ours is a male dominated society where sons,brothers and husbands are prized ans daughters,sisters are thought of as a burden.the women in our society pass on the same mentality to their daughters,grand-daughters,that the needs of girls are less important as compared to the needs of their brothers,fathers or husbands. The state of women will only improve when they stop thinking of themselves as financial burdens on their families.When women start to stand on their feet and taking care of their own expenses,they won't have to be at the mercy of any man and won't have to attack any other woman to gain a man's favour.

fahad bawany | 12 years ago | Reply this mentality was displayed in the recent drama 'humsafar' where the man was the prize every woman was fighting over,the wife,the cousin and the mother.Women are taught from birth that they are inferior to men,that their life is worthless without a man,so they are brainwashed from birth to view other women as the enemy.All of this serves the men in the family. The women who attack other women deserve special condemnation,they are just promoting more misogyny in an already patriarchal society.

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