Dispatch 5
Dateline: Pakistan
Hello Master,
The citizenry here lives in palpable fear of a takeover by the ruminant species such as the goat, sheep, cow and camel, whose natural intelligence and a proclivity to advance intellectually with each breeding cycle they see as a threat to their dominance. The Gore-Tripe Fest is an annual referendum by the dominant species carried out with the help of butcher academies and sponsored by fashion houses catering to the growing niche in edible tripe wear. I would not recommend the Fest for Master’s participation, what with Master’s sensitive nose and tendency to faint at the sight of blood; however, rich sociological insights are to be obtained from it, and make it a fit study for Master’s reflective perusal.
This year, floods had destroyed communities where ruminants live. It was an excellent opportunity to destroy the remainder who were still bent on self-improvement, so that a permanent setback could be dealt to their movement. The seditionist goats and cows were quickly caught and collared, and sent off to the cities under strict guard. In the meanwhile, the citizenry started a campaign of ‘blood-and-roast jokes’ as part of the psychological warfare to de-personise the captives, paving the way for their summary slaughter, drawing and quartering. Female news anchors shared wickedly funny jokes of this genre while posing with the captive goats and heckling with their keepers. Many cottage industries sprang up in the days leading to the Fest, with neighbourhood kiosks vending animal feed and bovine jewellery, and mom and pop outlets selling knives, cleavers, chopping blocks, hatchets, axes, saws and chains.
Curiously, while economic indicators often mark the absence of qualified teachers in the land, the prevalence of qualified butchers is never celebrated. If butchery is not prejudiced against as a science, and the butcher not discriminated against as a tutor, one could equally commemorate the Fest as the Tutor-Pupil Bondage Day. For it is on this day that young boys, who are able to hold a knife, mark their passage into pre-adolescence with a private lesson from the butcher in slitting the throats of cows and goats, and by receiving on their faces and their sleeves the spatter of blood under the proud gaze of their parents. Whether or not the ruminants remain, the land is not likely to run short of butchers. The kill always takes place in the sanctity of the house but once it is over, and the interior is sufficiently marked with blood, people hurry outdoors to decorate their exteriors with the harvested tripe. Great and small tripe installations in both classic and abstract tradition can be seen all over the city, and remain on display for extended viewing pleasure.
There was a time when tripe, the food of the poor, was deemed too unworthy as a creative medium. But of late, noted fashion houses have mounted successful shows in which edible tripe garments have draped top models, greatly augmenting their sexual appeal. After the show, select patrons have the privilege of eating the garments off the models.
But I digress from the account of the Fest day activities. It must include a mention of the evolutionary blood sport of hide-snatching in which mounted and armed teams from various schools of thought snatch the hides of the freshly skinned animals from each other. Regardless of which ideological team prevails, the skins end up in the tanning vats of a local leather factory that supplies fine leather BDSM accessories to NY Democrats.
The te-deum of the Fest is sung in the gastro wards of the local hospitals, filling upwards with the complaints of constipation, high blood pressure, acidity, heartburn, diarrhoea, and nausea. The overconsumption of the meat will keep the wards busy for several weeks to come.
You get the idea.
Right?
Jassasa
Published in The Express Tribune, December 4th, 2010.
COMMENTS (4)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive.
For more information, please see our Comments FAQ