The super woman syndrome: A new age dilemma

Corporate queen or domestic goddess? You decide.

In her book “Wonder Women: Sex, Power and Quest for Perfection,” author Debora L Spar introduces the concept of ‘The Superwoman Syndrome’, highlighting our desire for perfection in all aspects of life. “We have opportunities today to choose our educations, careers and spouses that would’ve stunned our grandmothers,” she says. “But now, we are dazed and confused by all the choices.

Feminism was supposed to remove a fixed set of expectations. Instead, we now interpret it as a route to personal perfection. Because we can do anything, we feel as if we have to do everything.” In just a few sentences, Spar manages to encapsulate one of the most common social dilemmas that women today face — the need to excel in everything, be it their looks, marriage, motherhood, homemaking or their careers.

Feminism has indeed triumphed over the past couple of decades and there is more power to women today than ever before. We now excel in every domain, even those traditionally considered male-centric such as politics, finance, science and research etc. In 2005, Angela Markel became the first female Chancellor of Germany and has been leading the country ever since. Marissa Mayer has been working as the CEO of Yahoo since July 2012, ranking 8^th on the list of America’s most powerful businesswomen in 2013. Ayesha Farooq, Pakistan’s first female fighter pilot, has been changing the local landscape and encouraging women across the country to follow their dreams.



The problem:

Unfortunately, with such social empowerment comes a great burden for the modern woman. We may have expanded our reach in terms of the roles we adopt but have not compensated for the traditional ones that have long been associated with our gender. In fact, the freedom of choice Spar speaks about has only added to the towering set of expectations placed upon women, demanding them to be the best at everything. The modern woman should fulfil her duties to herself, her home and her career with perfection and never lose her balance. A world-renowned surgeon should be agile enough to cook a great meal for her family after performing a day-long standing surgery. The female CEO must maintain her appearance to give a lasting impression of the firm she represents. In fact, the more successful a woman gets, the more glamorous and efficient she should be.

But how does one be the ideal homemaker and working woman concurrently? This is not to insinuate that a woman can only build either a sound domestic or professional life at the expense of the other. But must it be necessary to expect her to fulfil every role perfectly and reprimand her if she falls short?

When a woman faces a professional setback or deliberately chooses a slower career path to balance her life, the verdict that she is inept or too feeble for the corporate world is quick to follow. At the same time, housewives are shunned as being frivolously idle, no matter how good their food or how clean their homes. A double standard exists wherein a woman who chooses not to work is labelled ‘just a housewife’ while a more career-oriented one is out-casted by the ‘supermoms’ for neglecting her husband and children. The relentless onslaught of social demands exerts great anxiety in the life of every woman.  “It’s like we aren’t allowed to just be,” complains 28-year-old, Dubai-based auditor Faryal Naqvi*. “If a woman works, she is selfish and if she doesn’t work, she is useless. And regardless of both, she must be the ideal daughter, bahu, wife, mother, homemaker — everything!

Why it exists:

It can be argued that the only ones responsible for creating the Superwoman Syndrome are women themselves. We seem to have internalised the phenomenon, suffering from an almost obsessive need to be better than our contemporaries, i.e other women. We must have better homes, better children, better marriages, better clothes and better careers than every woman in our social circle and berate ourselves — and sometimes, even our families — for failing to do so. Social competition can lead to guilt and insecurity in a person that may affect their lives adversely.



But does this mean we should focus only on one thing at a time and neglect the rest? No. But instead, why not dial down the pressure by accepting that we do not have to achieve everything and it is alright to make trade-offs for whatever we do achieve. “I am a career woman with a husband, children and a strenuous job which I couldn’t possible juggle without making some significant changes,” shares businesswoman Sarah Khan*. “Sometimes I work from home, put my children in daycare, exhaust my flexible hours allowance, etc. The problem is that many women try to do it all without any compromise which is not just wrong but also unhealthy!”

In our male-dominated society, there exists a misogynistic approach towards household chores and child-care with most men deeming it the responsibility of the woman to look after both. In many households across Pakistan, men consider it beneath themselves to help with the housework, avoiding tasks that were once their domain, such as paying bills and driving children to and from school. “The pressure of having to do so many things can really take a toll on a woman. And on top of that, our husbands want us to maintain the house like magic which fuels our desire to do it all. Women tend to take this to heart and try to be trophy wives, personal and professional alike.” says Naqvi. Nida Alavi*, a 24-year-old banker from London agrees. “A marriage should be a partnership,” she says. “This partnership includes helping around the house, especially if one is living outside Pakistan like I do. If I am contributing financially, then my husband should return the favour by say, washing his dishes or buying groceries.”

The solution:

In her article “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” renowned academic, speaker and former director of policy planning for the US State Department Anne-Marie Slaughter pinpoints a key reasoning behind the Superwoman Syndrome and how we can overcome it. She argues that, “We need to give women the kind of flexibility to make their work and family life together and change our expectations so that when they make choices to defer a dream job or fast promotion because of their family, they can stay in the game and still be eligible for promotion as far as they want to go.”

This is not to imply that women deserve free passes or can work less because they have other, domestic duties. Newly-married Rimsha Ishtiaq* points out that, “Women should also put in extra effort, especially those who pursue a career. In fact, they must put in double the work to excel in the male-dominated corporate world. That is how a good, productive workforce will be built.”

As more and more women join the corporate world, the emphasis on their marital plans increases and often deters them from fulfilling their aspirations. It is now common for an interviewer to inquire about a female applicant’s relationship/family status suggesting that it could cost them their professional wellbeing. Consequently, many women opt out of marriage and motherhood and have to work harder to prove themselves at par with their male counterparts. “It makes me feel like marriage should be put lower on my list of priorities if I want to have a lucrative career,” confesses Aresha Ali*, as aspiring engineer. The focus ought to be on the applicant’s skills and knowledge as opposed to when they plan on starting a family.

Men should also become more supportive, improve their attitude towards whatever their wives do and help them in any way they can. “As it is, there is so much pressure on us to be balance our lives. An unappreciative husband can make it worse,” says Naqvi. Therefore, it is imperative that men accept women as their equals and appreciate the hard work and sacrifices they make for their families.

However, nothing can really bring out a change unless we women stop making life so difficult for ourselves. First and foremost, we should understand that homemaking and childcare aren’t competitions. There is no prize for the one who raises better children, decorates her house prettier or manages a sizeable salary at the end of the month. Also, we should accept all women as they are and not rebuke them regardless of the choices they make. A little competition may be healthy but at the end of the day, it isn’t as important as your home, family and peace of mind.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, March 30^th, 2014.