The attempted murder of a young girl in Swat is not such a simple thing. It goes beyond the base forensics of the event. We are, after all, more than meat and ballistics. We must take into account the thoughts and feelings of the victim. Of the murderer. Of those who witnessed the crime or were connected to it. It is only then that we can hope to construct a thorough examination of the reality of the event, even if it is built on largely subjective foundations.

The facts are these, as of this writing: Malala Yousufzai, a young girl who bravely chronicled her struggles to get the education that is her basic human right -  during the height of the Taliban’s occupation of Swat – was shot at by Taliban gunmen. The Taliban have accepted responsibility for this attack, even giving a laundry list of justifications for targeting a child. While I write this, she is still in the hospital and I don’t know if she will live.

Now let’s consider the perceptions around what has happened, because a great deal of what the reality of this crime will become is dependent on that. If that sentence is too heady for you, I apologise. Here’s an example of what it means: Salman Taseer was killed by Mumtaz Qadri. One man killed another. According to the raw forensics, a crime occurred. However, because of the perceptions around what happened, the victim was labeled a criminal and the murderer a hero. If you fit the profile of the average reader of my columns, you most likely disagree with this description. But reality is dictated by consensus. And consensus is informed by the majority. And the majority declared Qadri the hero. So that is how he will be seen in Pakistan for most people and how our history books will remember him.

To analyse the consensus reality around what happened to Malala, let’s first study the motivations of the attackers. No guesswork is needed here, since they so helpfully detailed them for us. Their spokesman said, “She was pro-West, she was speaking against Taliban and she was calling President Obama her idol…She was young but she was promoting Western culture in Pashtun area.”

So no surprises there. But it is important to consider, especially based on what we will do next. Because next we are going to analyse the reactions of those surrounding the event. Majority of people, I think it is safe to make that guesstimate, were horrified by the attack. The flood of prayers and support for Malala is evidence of that. But after the first moments of shock and sadness, anger set in. And anger always needs a direction. So we get angry at the Taliban. They committed the crime after all. But that is not a satisfying enough vent, as you can’t exactly tell them how you feel. Anger when rendered impotent, does not fizzle out but simply redirects. And that is where the fragmentation began. All of a sudden, a unified mass that hated the Taliban dissolved into smaller clusters, each screaming at a different target. America is to blame for the drone attacks that angered the Taliban in the first place. The army is to blame for creating the Taliban. Afghanistan is to blame for creating the Taliban and then not containing them. The BBC is to blame for broadcasting Malala’s views and thus making her a target. Imran Khan is to blame for believing in negotiations. And so on. Etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum, as they say.

I have yet to see anyone blame Malala herself, but I don’t doubt that it will come soon, if it hasn’t already begun behind closed doors. Pakistan has, after all, never been kind to the victim.

All of this blaming is an interesting result, especially given that the culprits were ready to accept the blame right from the start. But like I said, that is not good enough for us. They may have made it easy for us to hate them, but there is just too much hatred to go around right now for it to be focused on a single target.

So far, I’ve tried to keep my own opinions out of this analysis, but here’s where I will stick my impressively proportioned nose in. From here on out, it’s all my opinion. My analysis of the circumstances that led to a bullet entering a girl’s body and my analysis of what should be done after. My hope is that it is a convincing enough argument that it influences consensus and becomes reality. But then don’t we all hope for that?

I’ll start by playing the blame game as well. I blame the Taliban, first and foremost. They are happy to take my anger and hatred so I give it to them freely. But since my anger overflows this meager cup, it must splash on others too. I blame the government. All of it. Which means the lion’s share of the excess blame falls on the PPP. There can be a million excuses why the Taliban can still operate with impunity in Pakistan, a lot of them legitimate. But if you are the ruling party, then you must accept responsibility for your failures. And the PPP has resoundingly failed. It is a mark of how little faith we have in them that most people don’t even take the time out to blame them. It would, we reason, be like blaming a cobra for biting you. Or more specifically, a lame dog for limping. The PPP alone does not form a government, however. The PML’s in all their various, useless incarnations can be thrown in the ditch as well. While you are at it, toss in the JI, the ANP, the MQM and anyone else who is left. They have all variously supported, suckled, sheltered and encouraged the Taliban. Some through inaction, others through active patronage and the rest through not standing for anything other than their own greed and perpetuation. So damn them all too.

There is one group I left out of this list and that is on purpose. See, the PPP, PML’s, ANP, JI and MQM all pretend as though there is no problem with the Taliban. It is how they choose to survive until the next election, which is as far as they are capable of seeing with their limited vision. Imran Khan’s party, however, has made the challenge of tackling the Taliban a large part of its overall agenda. It is also the only party that hasn’t held any power at all so far.  Perhaps, when it finally does gain some measure of political influence, it will address the issue. Which is why I want to talk about how wrong they have it. On their current path, once they gain more political influence, they could cause genuine damage.

This isn’t, I hope, just another attack on the PTI. I think the easy access to members of the organisation and their proximity to editorial columnists has resulted in them being made a target for lazy criticism. They invite some of it themselves with their attention-grabbing tactics, but that might just be me blaming the victim.

I’m going to start by setting up a bit of a straw man and I apologise for that. It won’t be to make an easy target that I can knock down and feel good about myself, as I hope to fill this straw man with all the arguments and claims that I have heard from PTI members since the attack on Malala. Until I get the opportunity to debate one of them in person without losing my temper, this format will have to do.

The most common thing I hear from the PTI is that this attack and all others like it are a result of the ongoing drone attacks. That the Taliban are behaving this way in retaliation for America’s usage of those robotic drones. And that the only way to end all of this is to enter into negotiation with the Taliban, since all else has failed. By “all else” it apparently means “war and bombings.”

Now allow me a rebuttal. The Taliban don’t claim that Malala was involved in drone usage. They targeted her because she believed in her right to education and vocalised that belief. They said so themselves. To ascribe ulterior motives here is disingenuous. They attacked Malala because the Taliban believe that women are chattel, with no rights to access the tools for self-development. This isn’t a theory. This is based on the rules they imposed on Swat when they occupied it, Afghanistan when they ruled it and every statement they make justifying the bombs thrown at schools. Linking it to drone attacks makes no sense here. The drone attacks may also be something they dislike. It’s quite likely, given that the drones are supposed to be targeting them (even if they somehow manage to kill more families of innocent people than actual members of the Taliban). But this attack was a separate issue entirely. It was born of their fanatical subscription to a religious system of belief that they think informs their actions. In other words, they think this is what their religion tells them to do (please note that I was very careful in my word usage here and am in no way saying the religion actually says that, just that they think it does). And this is important because it lies at the heart of the negotiation challenge that the PTI seems so keen to take up. Their terrorism is not caused by the drone attacks alone. It may be one reason, but not the only. The other reasons have been clearly stated by them repeatedly. They want women to be deprived of education, they want their personal, brutal interpretation of Shariah law to be implemented across Pakistan and they want all of it or they won’t stop until they get it. There were no drones over Swat when they had control of it and they still turned that city into a charnel house.

There are some rules to a negotiation. It relies on rational players on both sides. For it to be fair, the players should be on equal standing. None of this is currently in evidence. If tomorrow, somehow, the PTI get their wish and we enter into negotiations with the Taliban, what exactly are we to ask for? “Don’t bomb us, don’t impose your version of justice on us, leave the women alone. In return, we will discontinue the drone attacks?” There has been no evidence that this single bargaining chip will satisfy their massive appetites. In fact, any reasonably intelligent person can look at their history and read their manifestoes and conclude that it will mean nothing to them. To appease them we will have to give up those things that no democratic society should ever have to. This, by the way, doesn’t even take into account the fact that we will be negotiating from a weaker position. You see, we are scared of them and rightfully so. They have no such fear of us. So when we sit at the negotiating table, we sit with no bargaining chips of worth and on a chair several inches lower than theirs. Also, their reactions defy conventional understanding of rational behavior. It’s a no-win proposition.

Is the alternative then, a reasonable PTI member might say, to continue the drones and the state of war that has proven ineffectual for 5 years? Probably not. The drones have done far more damage than good, that much is clear. For every member of the Taliban they have killed, they have radicalised many, many more. Americans don’t understand that their assassinations aren’t just meat and ballistics. One dead Taliban isn’t equal to one dead Taliban. There are perceptions that are created and consensus realities that are formed around that killing which seem to be exacerbating the problem.

So now what? Well, there are no easy answers. The Taliban seem as though they are here to stay for the long term. Even if the army were to go in and exterminate every single one, they are a force born of ideology. More will take their place. Similarly, the tactic of negotiating for peace is also a flawed one since we can’t give them what they want and they don’t want anything less than everything. To get at the answer we might need to spend a great deal more time considering unconventional approaches. We will need impressive brains with access to impressive resources to work on this. Unfortunately, we have put none of this in place. Instead, we have a government that is only concerned with it’s own survival, an army that seems unable to decide between fostering the Taliban and fighting it and a populace that is too tired, too hungry and too damn worn down to give any more of itself. All of which creates a consensus reality of defeat. This is a cop-out on my part, I know. If I had a solution, I would have readily provided it. Instead, all I can see are the deep and obvious flaws in what is currently on offer.

None of which is of any use to a small girl who hopes for a better future, in which her perceptions aren’t cut short by the hard edged reality of a bullet.

Ejaz Haider’s column will appear on Thursday

Published in The Express Tribune, October 10^th, 2012.

Don’t worry everyone, the Jamaat-i-Islami (JI) is on the case. Using its well-honed skills of analysis and observation, it has rooted out the main cause of Pakistan’s recent disasters. Like Sherlock Holmes, they looked at the nation and by noting the rough patches on our knees, the dirt under our fingernails, the way we part our hair and the smell of our cologne, they narrowed it down to the only possible cause: Vulgarity. Not, you know, rampant corruption, cronyism, poverty, crime, terrorism or even violence. It is nudity and vulgarity. And if you disagree, it’s probably because you are naked right now. Pervert.

After all, we all agree that the lawn ads, showing models in various stages of starvation while wrapped in repetitive floral patterns, are what caused the Pakistan Railways, Pakistan International Airlines, Pakistan Steel Mills, Pakistan Agriculture Storage and Services Corporation and National Highway Authority to collectively achieve Rs393 billion in losses in the past four years. Financial analysts will all say that these losses happened because all five of these public-sector enterprises are operating without a governing board or are run by unskilled persons. But the JI knows the truth. It’s because of young people shown hugging in dramas. It was similar exhibitions of visible skin that also caused the tragedy in Siachen, the recent spate of airline tragedies and Ali Musa Gilani’s ephedrine addiction. The honoured members of the Jamaat did not once see the need to protest the gross wastage of lives on a glacial peak, the lack of competence in the Civil Aviation Authority or even the blatant corruption of our elected officials. Just nudity. Initially, I thought maybe by vulgarity the JI meant the obscene lack of decency and restraint shown by the news channels in the aftermath of the plane crash. But it turns out they weren’t too bothered by reporters asking grieving family members how they felt about loved ones dying or channels decorating their bulletins with little animations of a plane smashing into the bottom of your tv screen. Nope, the Jamaat was more traumatised by erotic content. Clearly, I’m watching the wrong channels. Therefore, I am quite hopeful that after the Jamaat-i-Islami-organised protest against Vulgarity and Nudity in Karachi on April 27, we will see a vast and sudden improvement in our quality of life.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the rest of us are having to deal with the fact that the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) government has managed to do to Pakistan in just four years what even the most conservative estimates imagined would take a decade to achieve. It is something they can really be proud of. To single-handedly destroy the airline industry, the basic economy, the gas and electricity infrastructure, the lives of minorities and generally, most of our will to live; that is no mean feat. A lesser party would have seen such a long to-do list and thrown up its arms, but not our PPP. The boys and girls of the Pakistan Peoples Party won’t rest until the only thing standing is Bilawal House. Don’t look at the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz for help. They just spent all their energy getting Shumaila Rana back inside the Punjab Assembly — one assumes so she can grab any unprotected credit cards for buying more laptops. What neither party seems particularly interested in is that Balochistan has become a tragedy, Hazara Shias are being massacred and every day, enough people die in ethnic violence in Karachi to fill a plane’s cargo hold with coffins.

Maybe the vulgarity that should be protested is the vulgar disregard of all that really matters to us and the naked greed that is consuming us all. Anything less is just obscene.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 26^th, 2012.

The world that I perceive is not the same as the one you perceive. That is the simplest explanation of ‘Umwelt’. A theory put forth by a pair of European semiotic specialists, Umwelt contends that since their senses are so individualised, different animals inhabiting the same environment perceive radically different universes. A bat that hangs upside down in a cave and experiences its surroundings entirely through sonar will have a radically different image of that cave than the snake that slithers across the ground reading only information gleaned through heat signatures. And neither creature will see the cave the same way that you or I will, particularly if we are carrying a high-powered torch (and, one assumes, protection from snake bites and bat feces). Even you and I would not perceive the cave identically if, for example, my spectacles are smashed when I first notice the snake and run screaming into a wall. For you, that cave will be a clearly defined environment, at least as far as the torchlight can reach. For me, it will become a smooshed blur of light and dark shades of brown. If you aren’t scared of snakes, it will be a cave full of fascinating wildlife that you want to study more closely. For me, it will be the stuff of nightmares and later I will probably need cuddling. Umwelt. These are the kinds of things I find when wasting time on Wikipedia. Five minutes later I read the entire entry on Miley Cyrus, so don’t give me too much credit.

Umwelt may be a complex semiotic theory, but in its simplest form it does help us understand the condition of our country. We all live in Pakistan, but the Pakistan that we all perceive is radically different for each person. For a political party worker in Karachi, his world is one of kill or be killed; every day is considered in the number of corpses he contributed to while trying to avoid ending up as a corpse himself. In the same city, not too far from where the party worker lives, is the socialite for whom Karachi is the city in which Mathira accidentally-on-purpose exposes her…torso’s upper ventral region (to put it clinically). For the socialite it is a city in which fabulous designer launch parties are attended between subscriptions to Hello! Magazine and negotiations for fashion week invites. Neither reality is invalid if taking the perceiver into account. Sure, one may be more worthy of mockery than the other, but that is because those committing the mockery live in a third reality, in which neither of the previous two subjects is experienced.

Similarly, President Asif Ali Zardari’s Umwelt shows him a country in which nothing is going wrong. The evidence his senses need to believe this is provided by the fact that he is, somehow, still president. Were there a problem, he would no longer be president, just like all the elected leaders before him who lost authority when things went badly. Maulana Fazlur Rehman’s Umwelt shows him a Pakistan in which women consider being beaten as an integral part of remaining true to tradition. If they didn’t like being hit so much, they would have been born as Western women. Whereas, for Pakistani women, their shared Umwelten is that Maulana Fazlur Rehman is a sadistic monster who believes in the oppression and subjugation of women. To expand upon the same line of thought, we can consider the leaderships of the Pakistani and Indian armies. Their Umwelten gives them belief in a world in which a forbidding glacier is vital territory to be protected from enemy incursions. And for the 136 victims of the avalanche, their final Umwelt was one of tragic sacrifice. In the grief over their loss, however, we all share a singular perception devoid of relativistic individuality. To make sure it never happens again though, our Umwelt needs to change. Our worlds need to be the same.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 12^th, 2012.

At least we are safe if the nurses ever start rampaging. If there is ever a time when hordes of nurses and hospital attendants start a violent and bloody uprising, then we know that we can rely on the Karachi police to keep us safe. The brave warriors that comprise our local constabulary will not cower in the face of blood-tipped syringes and deadly bedpans. They will don armour, take up cannons filled with water and hold the line, ensuring our survival. Unfortunately, if it is anyone else they have to battle, don’t expect much of a turn out.

In two weeks, the city of Karachi has seen active political parties from the MQM to the ANP to the PPP wage war on the local citizenry. They claim we aren’t their target, but whether a married couple riding their motorcycle on a strike day are shot because they were aimed at or because the bullets decided they were acceptable collateral damage is irrelevant. Thrice in one week the city was shut down. First it was by the MQM who felt that mourning is something that should be enforced, not sincerely felt. Then, by the ANP who had to mourn the results of the previous MQM mourning and then again by the MQM. Since then, the PPP workers in Lyari also decided that grief is an expression best indulged through wanton violence. Apparently, Destruction is a new phase in the recovery cycle, somewhere between Grief and Acceptance.

What has been made clear in all of this is that the police in Karachi is utterly, completely and unquestionably useless. During each strike they protected the people of the city with all the effectiveness of a swab of particularly ineffectual cotton. Currently, their ability to contain the violence in Lyari can be likened to the ability of a locally manufactured diaper trying to contain a diarrhoeic infant’s discharge. So, the question then is, what exactly are they there for?

Now, it is easy to blame them for their failures without considering the causes. These range from pathetic training to a lack of resources to political influence with a healthy dose of corruption sprinkled over the whole mess. It’s hard for the police to enforce any rule of law when every single member of Karachi’s political groups is better-armed than the entire force combined. So the first step towards improvement is better armaments. This, logically, leads to better training so they know how to use their weaponry with consideration and prudence. The claim that they have no choice but to accept bribes when their own salaries are so meagre holds little water when you consider that the majority of our population earns less than them and still doesn’t dive down the path of morally questionable behaviour. And the issues with political influence need to be attended to with postings and promotions being given based only on individual merit. All of this sounds fairly utopian, but to not at least try for it makes no sense. Currently, the city of Karachi is paying money to an entire police force that serves no actual purpose and has an effectiveness that goes from laughable to depressing.

To expect our political parties to behave with maturity and calm is clearly asking for an impossibility. They are comprised entirely of the most reprehensible members of society and are focused on the destruction of the nation. That is their mandate and they will not swerve from their task, no matter how many people have to die to achieve it. With the PPP, the ANP and the MQM, we are all guaranteed a commitment to crime, corruption and much more. From our police, it would be nice to be guaranteed a commitment to, y’know, policing. At least until the nurses return for revenge. Then it will be every man for himself.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 5^th, 2012.

Even the air is cleaner in Islamabad. It’s like they have purchased some high-end environment scrubbers that take all the carbon monoxide out and it replace it with the pine scent that you hang in your car in Karachi. This was the first thing I felt when visiting the capital city recently after entirely too long. A short work-related trip turned into a revelation for me. Getting off the plane into a cool morning breeze that lifts your mood and lightens the very bloody spirit. I hated it. As a Karachiite it is hard for me to trust air I can’t wipe off my face in a black smear. And then there is all the green. The Margalla Hills rising serenely upwards, the sidewalks that are like little nursery’s. My rage began to rise. Why do Islamabadis get to live like this and we don’t? The sight of people walking around casually with cell phones out in public drove me into such a fury I considered stealing their phones and then running them over just to teach them a lesson.

It was the mongoose that won me over. A friend, in an attempt to soothe my ire, took me to a park that overlooked a lake. There was an aviary under construction there, which would house more than just the cacophonic crows and needy eagles we Karachiites have to contend with. It inspired a rant in me that I was enthralling him with, when two mongoose ran past me. Like stretched squirrels they frolicked in the grass and amongst the flowers. Frolicked. The last time anyone frolicked in Karachi, Maya Khan chased them down with a camera crew. I decided then and there that I both love Islamabad and hate it.

I love the city because it shows that when we want to, we can do things right. We can make a city that is beautiful, clean and safe. We can give children places to play and grant opportunities to commune with the natural. We can give you a place to live where the walls are low because no one will jump over them and the roads are wide because the speed cameras will stop you from abusing them. We can do all that and then maintain it too. If I wasn’t such a Karachiite, I would move to Islamabad.

I hate the city too though. I hate Islamabad because it represents the ability to do things right only once and only selfishly. The rest of the country can ripen and rot because no one in power lives there for very long. A city like Karachi can be ignored to the point of criminal negligence because all the attention and money and focus and time would much rather be spent trimming the grass in the capital. We deny the rest of the country safety and security and places for their children to enjoy so that a few can have it way over there. The result is, people in Islamabad don’t steal cell phones. In Karachi, if those speed cameras would have been installed then they would be on sale for half-price in Saddar by the end of the first day.

No wonder our leaders don’t care about our misery. No wonder the president, in his latest address to parliament, made it seem like we are progressing at a rate that would make China jealous. And no wonder the cries of victims go unheard so often and for so long. Every time our elected leaders look out the windows of their Islamabad houses, they see birds and trees, they hear the wind and smell the pine. And they see two mongoose frolicking in the grass like young lovers. They probably think we are making it all up. I hate Islamabad. Why can’t we all have one?

Published in The Express Tribune, March 22^nd, 2012.

Apparently the only thing we can ban effectively is internet pornography. All over Pakistan, teenage boys frantically scour the web, hoping with each new browser refresh that they will be faced with a wall of questionable thumbnails and a gallery of sad people fornicating sadly, only to be met time and time again by a tragic THIS SITE IS RESTRICTED. The effectiveness of the ban on online porn was, no doubt, enhanced by the hard work and dedication shown by a teenage boy who gave PTCL a list of over 780,000 websites that he claims to have personally checked. For a 15-year-old to have done so without being reduced to a smoldering husk is, no doubt, some kind of epic feat that defies human physiology. Unfortunately, what he has accomplished so proudly at 15, he will come to regret deeply when he is 18. History will remember him as one of the greatest villains mankind has ever known and only in his later years will he truly appreciate the damage that he has wrought. Soon, teenage boys will begin to run amok, leaving devastation in their wake. They are not equipped to deal with a world in which they have to make do with imagination alone. The effectiveness of this ban could truly cripple their minds and bodies.

Unfortunately, it’s this kind of efficiency that is lacking in the ban on extremist organisations. Maybe the government should hire that 15-year-old with the burning retinas to compile a new list, this one showing all the terrorist groups that we have failed to ban in anything resembling an effective manner. Apparently, for groups like Sipah-e-Sahaba (SSP), all it took to dodge that embargo on their existence was a simple change of name. Retitled the Ahl-e-Sunnat Wal Jamaat, they continue to operate openly, even announcing publicly that deep down they are still Sipah-e-Sahaba. They might as well have all just put on large spectacles and changed their hairstyles, given how easily the authorities were convinced of their new identity. This is the same organisation that gave birth to not just the Lashkar-e-Jhangvi, but is also considered the parent of Jaish-e-Mohammed and most likely the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan. That is one poisoned womb that disgorged three children who are intent on making their parents proud. Instead of sitting the SSP leadership down and discussing family planning and responsible parenthood techniques, we are simply standing by and watching as it continues to raise those children on a diet of extremism and violence.

Rehman Malik, apparently stealing a page from the PTI’s playbook, has declared his intent to consider a dialogue with banned groups before revising the current list. The PTI justifies its association with extremists as the first step in a negotiation much in the same way that America is talking to the Taliban. Because, you know, America clearly knows what it is doing in that regard and has such a wonderfully proven track record of successes in the whole war on terror. When you justify your decisions as being the same as those made by a country that is not yet done punishing the Afghans for what the Saudis did, you might need to reconsider your motivations. Rehman Malik, meanwhile, has announced that talks will happen only if these organisations close down their militant wings. This in a country where every major political party wields a militant wing of its own. Although, all the extremist groups need to do is just change the name from ‘Militant Wing’ to ‘Shiny Happy Smiley Wing.’ Apparently, it’s all you need to do to fool people here.

All of which goes to prove — that in Pakistan — it is easier to commit terrorism and get away with it than to watch some porn. At least, until the porn sites catch on and rename themselves too.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 15^th, 2012.

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy won an Oscar. She held the golden figurine depicting a nude man and inspired all Pakistani women with a simple but powerful speech. If she could achieve so much, then so can they. If even one more achieves the same, then the debt of gratitude we owe her will be even more limitless (if limitlessness can be extended, oh you know what I mean). At the very least, someone has to do so before Maya Khan gets the Best Actress award she is so clearly rehearsing for.

But the symbolic power of a Pakistani woman, standing in front of the world and dwarfing a masculine depiction of greatness should not be understated at all. It is an achievement that is awe-inspiring. If you are a Pakistani woman, then know that despite all the efforts of all the men in this country to oppress you, one of your own kind persevered. She did it by showing the world that two Pakistani women who had their faces destroyed by two Pakistani men, also persevered and did not surrender to despair. So, thank you Sharmeen for giving us this gift. We hope we live up to the standard you are setting.

Of course, given that it is Pakistan and being thankless and cynical is our national pastime, many have also attempted to belittle her achievement. My advice is to slowly walk away from these people without making eye contact. Do not engage them in conversation. They have clearly suffered some kind of damage to the intelligence centres of their brain, possibly due to inhaling too much carbon monoxide and in-breeding. Just chalk it up to bitterness and an overblown sense of entitlement. These people think Sharmeen Obaid won the Oscar AT them.

If, for example, you were to able to make yourself heard over their shouts of ‘She made us look bad!’ and ‘What about a documentary of good things!’, what could you possibly say to change their minds? That by winning she made us look good? The stories of hope she portrayed are actually inspiring? That if they want a documentary of good things they can go make it themselves and Sharmeen is only beholden to her own decisions? The words would fall on their ears with all the effectiveness of Shoaib Akhtar ramming a car into a steel barricade.

To take joy in her achievement is something to cherish. It is a sign that we are not yet consumed by self-involvement and are still capable of empathy. One can be forgiven for thinking that is the case when you see the kind of complete disinterest in the recent Kohistan tragedy. As more Shia bodies pile up, the lack of shock and outrage is depressing. It is the same absence of disgust that has resulted in so many forgotten dead in Balochistan too. In the former case, the extremist killers act with impunity and abandon because they know that there just isn’t enough motivation in the authority forces to stop them. In the latter it is the authority that is responsible, so to expect any retribution would be ridiculous.

After all, we have yet to see any explanations from those same forces regarding the presence of Osama bin Laden, living as he did so comfortably in Abbottabad, close enough to the PMA to steal their wifi. Is it a coincidence that access to internet porn has been shut down only once Bin Laden, an avid porn consumer, is no longer with us? My feverishly conspiratorial brain thinks not. Although, if local residents get their way, the building of a girls school on top of the remains of his compound will be a fitting tombstone. It will once again show the kind of perseverance that makes Pakistani women such wonders.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 1^st, 2012.

Imran Khan is right, he is bringing a revolution. Unfortunately, it won’t be the kind of revolution we need. The revolution that would help us, at this point, is the same that could have saved us at any point in our past. A revolution that sees an end to the feudalism that has kept entire swaths of our population trapped in medieval servitude, or even a revolution that sees a decrease in the growing extremism that will devour our society. Instead, his revolution will be more like the exact opposite of those. It will be a revolution that sees greater legitimacy being granted to extremists and greater influence being given to feudal lords. For some amongst us, this isn’t the revolution they need but it is the revolution they want. For them and only them, Imran Khan is a blessing.

Before these claims are rubbished as unsubstantiated polemic, let’s at least consider the evidence. The feudalism favouritism has been written about extensively already. Shah Mehmood Qureshi, being so celebrated by the PTI means, those who serve under him as his subjects can hope for no relief in their toil. The problem that is still being ignored is the growing extremism. In the last few days, we have seen PTI leadership actively involved in entirely questionable activities that not only pay lip service to extremism but actively encourage it. The presence of PTI Vice-President Ijaz Chaudhry at the recent Difa-e-Pakistan rally in Lahore is not just a case of Imran Khan’s party “… presenting our view at DPC rallies” as the Tiger claims. If that was needed they could have simply made a press statement before or after the rally, miles away from it. If you spoke at the rally, then you endorse what was being said there. Sometimes things are just that simple. The PTI is not some idealistic MBA joining a tobacco firm to ‘change the system from the inside’. To make such claims is to treat the public like idiotic simpletons and that is just insulting. By participating in a rally in which a JuD leader calls a woman a “whore”, is a frightening endorsement of misogyny. To participate in a rally where a large portion of the audience belongs to a banned sectarian outfit notorious for killing and persecuting Shias is horrific appreciation of their agenda. To allow a leader like Ijaz Chaudhry to that rally, a man who has previously also attended major gatherings by the SSP, means that the PTI is basically in agreement with the SSP’s beliefs and message. The PTI defenders will claim that this is all an attempt to engage extremists to bring the same kind of change to their thinking that Imran Khan promises to bring to governance. Given that there has been no effort made in this regard at all, does not bode well for the promises of decreased corruption that are being made.

So when Imran Khan talks about a revolution, let’s remember, it is not the revolution you think. Which is why he doesn’t want you to think at all.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 16^th, 2012.

The ISI killed the shark. Or at least that’s the theory I am considering.

A few days ago, a whale shark over 40 feet in length turned up dead in the waters near the Balochistan coast. The product of over 60 million years of evolution died as soon as it came close to the country, its immense corpse floating for 10 days before cranes large enough to lift the carcass could be employed to do just that. The body was instantly purchased for Rs200,000, presumably by a Lawn designer hoping to sell it off to confused Aunties as pre-shrunk evening wear. The Supreme Court has yet to issue a suo motu notice demanding an investigation into the cause of death, but we are still free to speculate. There are, after all, many reasons why it could have been killed. And many killers who could have wanted to kill it.

Given that it was found in the ocean, there is a distinct possibility that the poor beast was killed by America’s Seal Team 6. This is a group of trained killers who have disposed of at least one other high profile target by dumping the body into the murky depths. Perhaps the whale shark was a high profile member of al Qaeda and they did what they did so as to prevent people from making a shrine out of its grave. Indeed, it could be that the shark was Mullah Omar, a theory made all the more plausible by the fact that he has never been photographed. However, given how President Obama recently gave a State of the Union address and forensics have established the shark’s death as over 10 days ago, he would definitely have mentioned such a major event had it occurred under his orders. He needs the ratings.

Maybe the gentle plankton feeder was an Ahmadi. Or a Shia. Or a Hazara. Or a Christian. Or just someone, anyone, who doesn’t subscribe to the vehemently intolerant and utterly flawed interpretation of Islam practiced by members of the Difa-e-Pakistan. In a country where we have legalised bigotry against one religious minority and through negligence are fast legitimising the persecution of all others, it isn’t hard to believe that the shark was killed simply for what it did or did not believe in. The utter silence of the government on the circumstances surrounding its death seem to confirm this, however, final confirmation cannot be had until the shark is buried. If it is then dug up and it’s grave desecrated, then we can know for sure.

Perhaps it was killed by the intelligence agencies. This could have happened because the shark had uncovered some truth about links between the armed forces and terrorist organisations and they needed to send a message to other marine life. Or it could have happened because the shark just happened to be a native of the province of Balochistan and that was enough to mark it as a viable victim. Either way, if the shark had gone missing prior to its death and then everyone in the media and the government ignored its subsequent passing, then we have definitely found our killers. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do with that knowledge.

Finally, the shark could simply have committed suicide, purposefully drinking the water filled with sewage, diesel and used condoms in a tragic attempt at escaping the rising cost of living. It isn’t easy for a shark in these waters to make ends meet with the government constantly increasing the cost of plankton and krill. Maybe the shark committed blasphemy? If a shark commits blasphemy and no one is there to hear it, should we kill it anyway?

So how did the shark die? We may never know. And even if we did, we wouldn’t do a thing about it.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 9^th, 2012.

Young? Bored? Lonely? Get used to it. Given the current direction that we are moving in, the only remaining option for young people to entertain themselves will be to stare contemplatively at the wall. Just fix your eye on a spot and wait for sleep to take over. If nothing else, it will help pass the time. This is not necessarily a bad thing. A strict diet of quiet meditation could have served me well in my youth. The quest for entertainment led me to listen to some terrible songs and hold some regrettable hands. Thankfully, from this moment on, Pakistanis will be spared such traumatic experiences.

The War against Youthful Experiences is being fought hard and unrelentingly by brave warriors like Punjab Law Minister Rana Sanaullah. Using the kind of deft touch that can only be taught in the same school that produces Lahore High Court judges, the minister looked at the problems plaguing Pakistan today, like corruption, poverty, crime and terrorism and did the only thing a man devoted to the law could do: he proposed a ban on concerts. It was a tough decision and someone had to make it. And when times are as dark as these, with challenges as insurmountable, Rana Sanaullah is the man you want fighting for truth, justice and the Pakistani way. Like a local Judge Dredd, he saw past the clutter and brought down his meaty fist of logic. His mind leapt like Alexander confronted with a Gordian knot, except instead of slicing it in half, he proceeded to tie his own brain in the same knotted configuration. His reason for banning concerts was unquestionably manly. Anyone else would have taken a look at the tragedy that occurred at a recent Atif Aslam concert and decided to make whining and mewling complaints about greater need for proper event organisation and venues with properly marked exits. Maybe even a stricter adherence to limiting audience numbers. But Rana Sanaullah has no time for such childish haggling. If a tragedy occurred at a concert, then to him the concert is to blame. That’s just how he rolls. He is now going to shift his focus towards the recent tragic deaths of over 65 patients caused by medicines prescribed by the Punjab Institute of Cardiology. It’s only a matter of time before he responds by banning medicine, institutes, cardiology and patients.

So if you are young and wanted to listen to some live music, maybe jump around in an awkward approximation of rhythm, then do it fast while you are still allowed to. If, however, you want to indulge those yearnings for companionship and romance that we all feel and find that an open air park is just the place to do so, then your luck ran out already. No more can the young lover sit under the shade of a tree and read poems to his intended, nor can he and she inch their fingers towards one another’s hands on a wooden bench while birds chirp in the background. Maya Khan, self-appointed avenging emissary of decency, celibacy and parental disapproval will swoop down on you like a drone that is prone to breaking out into Bollywood dance routines. Flanked by an army of women who will hunt you down and lecture you with the precision of a laser-guided missile full of self-righteousness, she prowls the grasslands of Pakistan seeking out romance wherever it may dare to blossom. Samaa TV, on which she airs her wretchedly unwatchable morning show has clearly decided that ratings spikes are far more important than, say, responsible behaviour or respect for privacy. Which is why I am planning to put up cameras in their bathrooms that broadcast live.

So if you are young, get ready to get bored. Until someone finds fault in that too.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 26^th, 2012.