Don’t worry everyone, the Jamaat-i-Islami (JI) is on the case. Using its well-honed skills of analysis and observation, it has rooted out the main cause of Pakistan’s recent disasters. Like Sherlock Holmes, they looked at the nation and by noting the rough patches on our knees, the dirt under our fingernails, the way we part our hair and the smell of our cologne, they narrowed it down to the only possible cause: Vulgarity. Not, you know, rampant corruption, cronyism, poverty, crime, terrorism or even violence. It is nudity and vulgarity. And if you disagree, it’s probably because you are naked right now. Pervert.

After all, we all agree that the lawn ads, showing models in various stages of starvation while wrapped in repetitive floral patterns, are what caused the Pakistan Railways, Pakistan International Airlines, Pakistan Steel Mills, Pakistan Agriculture Storage and Services Corporation and National Highway Authority to collectively achieve Rs393 billion in losses in the past four years. Financial analysts will all say that these losses happened because all five of these public-sector enterprises are operating without a governing board or are run by unskilled persons. But the JI knows the truth. It’s because of young people shown hugging in dramas. It was similar exhibitions of visible skin that also caused the tragedy in Siachen, the recent spate of airline tragedies and Ali Musa Gilani’s ephedrine addiction. The honoured members of the Jamaat did not once see the need to protest the gross wastage of lives on a glacial peak, the lack of competence in the Civil Aviation Authority or even the blatant corruption of our elected officials. Just nudity. Initially, I thought maybe by vulgarity the JI meant the obscene lack of decency and restraint shown by the news channels in the aftermath of the plane crash. But it turns out they weren’t too bothered by reporters asking grieving family members how they felt about loved ones dying or channels decorating their bulletins with little animations of a plane smashing into the bottom of your tv screen. Nope, the Jamaat was more traumatised by erotic content. Clearly, I’m watching the wrong channels. Therefore, I am quite hopeful that after the Jamaat-i-Islami-organised protest against Vulgarity and Nudity in Karachi on April 27, we will see a vast and sudden improvement in our quality of life.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the rest of us are having to deal with the fact that the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) government has managed to do to Pakistan in just four years what even the most conservative estimates imagined would take a decade to achieve. It is something they can really be proud of. To single-handedly destroy the airline industry, the basic economy, the gas and electricity infrastructure, the lives of minorities and generally, most of our will to live; that is no mean feat. A lesser party would have seen such a long to-do list and thrown up its arms, but not our PPP. The boys and girls of the Pakistan Peoples Party won’t rest until the only thing standing is Bilawal House. Don’t look at the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz for help. They just spent all their energy getting Shumaila Rana back inside the Punjab Assembly — one assumes so she can grab any unprotected credit cards for buying more laptops. What neither party seems particularly interested in is that Balochistan has become a tragedy, Hazara Shias are being massacred and every day, enough people die in ethnic violence in Karachi to fill a plane’s cargo hold with coffins.

Maybe the vulgarity that should be protested is the vulgar disregard of all that really matters to us and the naked greed that is consuming us all. Anything less is just obscene.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 26^th, 2012.

The world that I perceive is not the same as the one you perceive. That is the simplest explanation of ‘Umwelt’. A theory put forth by a pair of European semiotic specialists, Umwelt contends that since their senses are so individualised, different animals inhabiting the same environment perceive radically different universes. A bat that hangs upside down in a cave and experiences its surroundings entirely through sonar will have a radically different image of that cave than the snake that slithers across the ground reading only information gleaned through heat signatures. And neither creature will see the cave the same way that you or I will, particularly if we are carrying a high-powered torch (and, one assumes, protection from snake bites and bat feces). Even you and I would not perceive the cave identically if, for example, my spectacles are smashed when I first notice the snake and run screaming into a wall. For you, that cave will be a clearly defined environment, at least as far as the torchlight can reach. For me, it will become a smooshed blur of light and dark shades of brown. If you aren’t scared of snakes, it will be a cave full of fascinating wildlife that you want to study more closely. For me, it will be the stuff of nightmares and later I will probably need cuddling. Umwelt. These are the kinds of things I find when wasting time on Wikipedia. Five minutes later I read the entire entry on Miley Cyrus, so don’t give me too much credit.

Umwelt may be a complex semiotic theory, but in its simplest form it does help us understand the condition of our country. We all live in Pakistan, but the Pakistan that we all perceive is radically different for each person. For a political party worker in Karachi, his world is one of kill or be killed; every day is considered in the number of corpses he contributed to while trying to avoid ending up as a corpse himself. In the same city, not too far from where the party worker lives, is the socialite for whom Karachi is the city in which Mathira accidentally-on-purpose exposes her…torso’s upper ventral region (to put it clinically). For the socialite it is a city in which fabulous designer launch parties are attended between subscriptions to Hello! Magazine and negotiations for fashion week invites. Neither reality is invalid if taking the perceiver into account. Sure, one may be more worthy of mockery than the other, but that is because those committing the mockery live in a third reality, in which neither of the previous two subjects is experienced.

Similarly, President Asif Ali Zardari’s Umwelt shows him a country in which nothing is going wrong. The evidence his senses need to believe this is provided by the fact that he is, somehow, still president. Were there a problem, he would no longer be president, just like all the elected leaders before him who lost authority when things went badly. Maulana Fazlur Rehman’s Umwelt shows him a Pakistan in which women consider being beaten as an integral part of remaining true to tradition. If they didn’t like being hit so much, they would have been born as Western women. Whereas, for Pakistani women, their shared Umwelten is that Maulana Fazlur Rehman is a sadistic monster who believes in the oppression and subjugation of women. To expand upon the same line of thought, we can consider the leaderships of the Pakistani and Indian armies. Their Umwelten gives them belief in a world in which a forbidding glacier is vital territory to be protected from enemy incursions. And for the 136 victims of the avalanche, their final Umwelt was one of tragic sacrifice. In the grief over their loss, however, we all share a singular perception devoid of relativistic individuality. To make sure it never happens again though, our Umwelt needs to change. Our worlds need to be the same.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 12^th, 2012.

At least we are safe if the nurses ever start rampaging. If there is ever a time when hordes of nurses and hospital attendants start a violent and bloody uprising, then we know that we can rely on the Karachi police to keep us safe. The brave warriors that comprise our local constabulary will not cower in the face of blood-tipped syringes and deadly bedpans. They will don armour, take up cannons filled with water and hold the line, ensuring our survival. Unfortunately, if it is anyone else they have to battle, don’t expect much of a turn out.

In two weeks, the city of Karachi has seen active political parties from the MQM to the ANP to the PPP wage war on the local citizenry. They claim we aren’t their target, but whether a married couple riding their motorcycle on a strike day are shot because they were aimed at or because the bullets decided they were acceptable collateral damage is irrelevant. Thrice in one week the city was shut down. First it was by the MQM who felt that mourning is something that should be enforced, not sincerely felt. Then, by the ANP who had to mourn the results of the previous MQM mourning and then again by the MQM. Since then, the PPP workers in Lyari also decided that grief is an expression best indulged through wanton violence. Apparently, Destruction is a new phase in the recovery cycle, somewhere between Grief and Acceptance.

What has been made clear in all of this is that the police in Karachi is utterly, completely and unquestionably useless. During each strike they protected the people of the city with all the effectiveness of a swab of particularly ineffectual cotton. Currently, their ability to contain the violence in Lyari can be likened to the ability of a locally manufactured diaper trying to contain a diarrhoeic infant’s discharge. So, the question then is, what exactly are they there for?

Now, it is easy to blame them for their failures without considering the causes. These range from pathetic training to a lack of resources to political influence with a healthy dose of corruption sprinkled over the whole mess. It’s hard for the police to enforce any rule of law when every single member of Karachi’s political groups is better-armed than the entire force combined. So the first step towards improvement is better armaments. This, logically, leads to better training so they know how to use their weaponry with consideration and prudence. The claim that they have no choice but to accept bribes when their own salaries are so meagre holds little water when you consider that the majority of our population earns less than them and still doesn’t dive down the path of morally questionable behaviour. And the issues with political influence need to be attended to with postings and promotions being given based only on individual merit. All of this sounds fairly utopian, but to not at least try for it makes no sense. Currently, the city of Karachi is paying money to an entire police force that serves no actual purpose and has an effectiveness that goes from laughable to depressing.

To expect our political parties to behave with maturity and calm is clearly asking for an impossibility. They are comprised entirely of the most reprehensible members of society and are focused on the destruction of the nation. That is their mandate and they will not swerve from their task, no matter how many people have to die to achieve it. With the PPP, the ANP and the MQM, we are all guaranteed a commitment to crime, corruption and much more. From our police, it would be nice to be guaranteed a commitment to, y’know, policing. At least until the nurses return for revenge. Then it will be every man for himself.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 5^th, 2012.

Even the air is cleaner in Islamabad. It’s like they have purchased some high-end environment scrubbers that take all the carbon monoxide out and it replace it with the pine scent that you hang in your car in Karachi. This was the first thing I felt when visiting the capital city recently after entirely too long. A short work-related trip turned into a revelation for me. Getting off the plane into a cool morning breeze that lifts your mood and lightens the very bloody spirit. I hated it. As a Karachiite it is hard for me to trust air I can’t wipe off my face in a black smear. And then there is all the green. The Margalla Hills rising serenely upwards, the sidewalks that are like little nursery’s. My rage began to rise. Why do Islamabadis get to live like this and we don’t? The sight of people walking around casually with cell phones out in public drove me into such a fury I considered stealing their phones and then running them over just to teach them a lesson.

It was the mongoose that won me over. A friend, in an attempt to soothe my ire, took me to a park that overlooked a lake. There was an aviary under construction there, which would house more than just the cacophonic crows and needy eagles we Karachiites have to contend with. It inspired a rant in me that I was enthralling him with, when two mongoose ran past me. Like stretched squirrels they frolicked in the grass and amongst the flowers. Frolicked. The last time anyone frolicked in Karachi, Maya Khan chased them down with a camera crew. I decided then and there that I both love Islamabad and hate it.

I love the city because it shows that when we want to, we can do things right. We can make a city that is beautiful, clean and safe. We can give children places to play and grant opportunities to commune with the natural. We can give you a place to live where the walls are low because no one will jump over them and the roads are wide because the speed cameras will stop you from abusing them. We can do all that and then maintain it too. If I wasn’t such a Karachiite, I would move to Islamabad.

I hate the city too though. I hate Islamabad because it represents the ability to do things right only once and only selfishly. The rest of the country can ripen and rot because no one in power lives there for very long. A city like Karachi can be ignored to the point of criminal negligence because all the attention and money and focus and time would much rather be spent trimming the grass in the capital. We deny the rest of the country safety and security and places for their children to enjoy so that a few can have it way over there. The result is, people in Islamabad don’t steal cell phones. In Karachi, if those speed cameras would have been installed then they would be on sale for half-price in Saddar by the end of the first day.

No wonder our leaders don’t care about our misery. No wonder the president, in his latest address to parliament, made it seem like we are progressing at a rate that would make China jealous. And no wonder the cries of victims go unheard so often and for so long. Every time our elected leaders look out the windows of their Islamabad houses, they see birds and trees, they hear the wind and smell the pine. And they see two mongoose frolicking in the grass like young lovers. They probably think we are making it all up. I hate Islamabad. Why can’t we all have one?

Published in The Express Tribune, March 22^nd, 2012.

Apparently the only thing we can ban effectively is internet pornography. All over Pakistan, teenage boys frantically scour the web, hoping with each new browser refresh that they will be faced with a wall of questionable thumbnails and a gallery of sad people fornicating sadly, only to be met time and time again by a tragic THIS SITE IS RESTRICTED. The effectiveness of the ban on online porn was, no doubt, enhanced by the hard work and dedication shown by a teenage boy who gave PTCL a list of over 780,000 websites that he claims to have personally checked. For a 15-year-old to have done so without being reduced to a smoldering husk is, no doubt, some kind of epic feat that defies human physiology. Unfortunately, what he has accomplished so proudly at 15, he will come to regret deeply when he is 18. History will remember him as one of the greatest villains mankind has ever known and only in his later years will he truly appreciate the damage that he has wrought. Soon, teenage boys will begin to run amok, leaving devastation in their wake. They are not equipped to deal with a world in which they have to make do with imagination alone. The effectiveness of this ban could truly cripple their minds and bodies.

Unfortunately, it’s this kind of efficiency that is lacking in the ban on extremist organisations. Maybe the government should hire that 15-year-old with the burning retinas to compile a new list, this one showing all the terrorist groups that we have failed to ban in anything resembling an effective manner. Apparently, for groups like Sipah-e-Sahaba (SSP), all it took to dodge that embargo on their existence was a simple change of name. Retitled the Ahl-e-Sunnat Wal Jamaat, they continue to operate openly, even announcing publicly that deep down they are still Sipah-e-Sahaba. They might as well have all just put on large spectacles and changed their hairstyles, given how easily the authorities were convinced of their new identity. This is the same organisation that gave birth to not just the Lashkar-e-Jhangvi, but is also considered the parent of Jaish-e-Mohammed and most likely the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan. That is one poisoned womb that disgorged three children who are intent on making their parents proud. Instead of sitting the SSP leadership down and discussing family planning and responsible parenthood techniques, we are simply standing by and watching as it continues to raise those children on a diet of extremism and violence.

Rehman Malik, apparently stealing a page from the PTI’s playbook, has declared his intent to consider a dialogue with banned groups before revising the current list. The PTI justifies its association with extremists as the first step in a negotiation much in the same way that America is talking to the Taliban. Because, you know, America clearly knows what it is doing in that regard and has such a wonderfully proven track record of successes in the whole war on terror. When you justify your decisions as being the same as those made by a country that is not yet done punishing the Afghans for what the Saudis did, you might need to reconsider your motivations. Rehman Malik, meanwhile, has announced that talks will happen only if these organisations close down their militant wings. This in a country where every major political party wields a militant wing of its own. Although, all the extremist groups need to do is just change the name from ‘Militant Wing’ to ‘Shiny Happy Smiley Wing.’ Apparently, it’s all you need to do to fool people here.

All of which goes to prove — that in Pakistan — it is easier to commit terrorism and get away with it than to watch some porn. At least, until the porn sites catch on and rename themselves too.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 15^th, 2012.

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy won an Oscar. She held the golden figurine depicting a nude man and inspired all Pakistani women with a simple but powerful speech. If she could achieve so much, then so can they. If even one more achieves the same, then the debt of gratitude we owe her will be even more limitless (if limitlessness can be extended, oh you know what I mean). At the very least, someone has to do so before Maya Khan gets the Best Actress award she is so clearly rehearsing for.

But the symbolic power of a Pakistani woman, standing in front of the world and dwarfing a masculine depiction of greatness should not be understated at all. It is an achievement that is awe-inspiring. If you are a Pakistani woman, then know that despite all the efforts of all the men in this country to oppress you, one of your own kind persevered. She did it by showing the world that two Pakistani women who had their faces destroyed by two Pakistani men, also persevered and did not surrender to despair. So, thank you Sharmeen for giving us this gift. We hope we live up to the standard you are setting.

Of course, given that it is Pakistan and being thankless and cynical is our national pastime, many have also attempted to belittle her achievement. My advice is to slowly walk away from these people without making eye contact. Do not engage them in conversation. They have clearly suffered some kind of damage to the intelligence centres of their brain, possibly due to inhaling too much carbon monoxide and in-breeding. Just chalk it up to bitterness and an overblown sense of entitlement. These people think Sharmeen Obaid won the Oscar AT them.

If, for example, you were to able to make yourself heard over their shouts of ‘She made us look bad!’ and ‘What about a documentary of good things!’, what could you possibly say to change their minds? That by winning she made us look good? The stories of hope she portrayed are actually inspiring? That if they want a documentary of good things they can go make it themselves and Sharmeen is only beholden to her own decisions? The words would fall on their ears with all the effectiveness of Shoaib Akhtar ramming a car into a steel barricade.

To take joy in her achievement is something to cherish. It is a sign that we are not yet consumed by self-involvement and are still capable of empathy. One can be forgiven for thinking that is the case when you see the kind of complete disinterest in the recent Kohistan tragedy. As more Shia bodies pile up, the lack of shock and outrage is depressing. It is the same absence of disgust that has resulted in so many forgotten dead in Balochistan too. In the former case, the extremist killers act with impunity and abandon because they know that there just isn’t enough motivation in the authority forces to stop them. In the latter it is the authority that is responsible, so to expect any retribution would be ridiculous.

After all, we have yet to see any explanations from those same forces regarding the presence of Osama bin Laden, living as he did so comfortably in Abbottabad, close enough to the PMA to steal their wifi. Is it a coincidence that access to internet porn has been shut down only once Bin Laden, an avid porn consumer, is no longer with us? My feverishly conspiratorial brain thinks not. Although, if local residents get their way, the building of a girls school on top of the remains of his compound will be a fitting tombstone. It will once again show the kind of perseverance that makes Pakistani women such wonders.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 1^st, 2012.

Imran Khan is right, he is bringing a revolution. Unfortunately, it won’t be the kind of revolution we need. The revolution that would help us, at this point, is the same that could have saved us at any point in our past. A revolution that sees an end to the feudalism that has kept entire swaths of our population trapped in medieval servitude, or even a revolution that sees a decrease in the growing extremism that will devour our society. Instead, his revolution will be more like the exact opposite of those. It will be a revolution that sees greater legitimacy being granted to extremists and greater influence being given to feudal lords. For some amongst us, this isn’t the revolution they need but it is the revolution they want. For them and only them, Imran Khan is a blessing.

Before these claims are rubbished as unsubstantiated polemic, let’s at least consider the evidence. The feudalism favouritism has been written about extensively already. Shah Mehmood Qureshi, being so celebrated by the PTI means, those who serve under him as his subjects can hope for no relief in their toil. The problem that is still being ignored is the growing extremism. In the last few days, we have seen PTI leadership actively involved in entirely questionable activities that not only pay lip service to extremism but actively encourage it. The presence of PTI Vice-President Ijaz Chaudhry at the recent Difa-e-Pakistan rally in Lahore is not just a case of Imran Khan’s party “… presenting our view at DPC rallies” as the Tiger claims. If that was needed they could have simply made a press statement before or after the rally, miles away from it. If you spoke at the rally, then you endorse what was being said there. Sometimes things are just that simple. The PTI is not some idealistic MBA joining a tobacco firm to ‘change the system from the inside’. To make such claims is to treat the public like idiotic simpletons and that is just insulting. By participating in a rally in which a JuD leader calls a woman a “whore”, is a frightening endorsement of misogyny. To participate in a rally where a large portion of the audience belongs to a banned sectarian outfit notorious for killing and persecuting Shias is horrific appreciation of their agenda. To allow a leader like Ijaz Chaudhry to that rally, a man who has previously also attended major gatherings by the SSP, means that the PTI is basically in agreement with the SSP’s beliefs and message. The PTI defenders will claim that this is all an attempt to engage extremists to bring the same kind of change to their thinking that Imran Khan promises to bring to governance. Given that there has been no effort made in this regard at all, does not bode well for the promises of decreased corruption that are being made.

So when Imran Khan talks about a revolution, let’s remember, it is not the revolution you think. Which is why he doesn’t want you to think at all.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 16^th, 2012.

The ISI killed the shark. Or at least that’s the theory I am considering.

A few days ago, a whale shark over 40 feet in length turned up dead in the waters near the Balochistan coast. The product of over 60 million years of evolution died as soon as it came close to the country, its immense corpse floating for 10 days before cranes large enough to lift the carcass could be employed to do just that. The body was instantly purchased for Rs200,000, presumably by a Lawn designer hoping to sell it off to confused Aunties as pre-shrunk evening wear. The Supreme Court has yet to issue a suo motu notice demanding an investigation into the cause of death, but we are still free to speculate. There are, after all, many reasons why it could have been killed. And many killers who could have wanted to kill it.

Given that it was found in the ocean, there is a distinct possibility that the poor beast was killed by America’s Seal Team 6. This is a group of trained killers who have disposed of at least one other high profile target by dumping the body into the murky depths. Perhaps the whale shark was a high profile member of al Qaeda and they did what they did so as to prevent people from making a shrine out of its grave. Indeed, it could be that the shark was Mullah Omar, a theory made all the more plausible by the fact that he has never been photographed. However, given how President Obama recently gave a State of the Union address and forensics have established the shark’s death as over 10 days ago, he would definitely have mentioned such a major event had it occurred under his orders. He needs the ratings.

Maybe the gentle plankton feeder was an Ahmadi. Or a Shia. Or a Hazara. Or a Christian. Or just someone, anyone, who doesn’t subscribe to the vehemently intolerant and utterly flawed interpretation of Islam practiced by members of the Difa-e-Pakistan. In a country where we have legalised bigotry against one religious minority and through negligence are fast legitimising the persecution of all others, it isn’t hard to believe that the shark was killed simply for what it did or did not believe in. The utter silence of the government on the circumstances surrounding its death seem to confirm this, however, final confirmation cannot be had until the shark is buried. If it is then dug up and it’s grave desecrated, then we can know for sure.

Perhaps it was killed by the intelligence agencies. This could have happened because the shark had uncovered some truth about links between the armed forces and terrorist organisations and they needed to send a message to other marine life. Or it could have happened because the shark just happened to be a native of the province of Balochistan and that was enough to mark it as a viable victim. Either way, if the shark had gone missing prior to its death and then everyone in the media and the government ignored its subsequent passing, then we have definitely found our killers. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do with that knowledge.

Finally, the shark could simply have committed suicide, purposefully drinking the water filled with sewage, diesel and used condoms in a tragic attempt at escaping the rising cost of living. It isn’t easy for a shark in these waters to make ends meet with the government constantly increasing the cost of plankton and krill. Maybe the shark committed blasphemy? If a shark commits blasphemy and no one is there to hear it, should we kill it anyway?

So how did the shark die? We may never know. And even if we did, we wouldn’t do a thing about it.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 9^th, 2012.

Young? Bored? Lonely? Get used to it. Given the current direction that we are moving in, the only remaining option for young people to entertain themselves will be to stare contemplatively at the wall. Just fix your eye on a spot and wait for sleep to take over. If nothing else, it will help pass the time. This is not necessarily a bad thing. A strict diet of quiet meditation could have served me well in my youth. The quest for entertainment led me to listen to some terrible songs and hold some regrettable hands. Thankfully, from this moment on, Pakistanis will be spared such traumatic experiences.

The War against Youthful Experiences is being fought hard and unrelentingly by brave warriors like Punjab Law Minister Rana Sanaullah. Using the kind of deft touch that can only be taught in the same school that produces Lahore High Court judges, the minister looked at the problems plaguing Pakistan today, like corruption, poverty, crime and terrorism and did the only thing a man devoted to the law could do: he proposed a ban on concerts. It was a tough decision and someone had to make it. And when times are as dark as these, with challenges as insurmountable, Rana Sanaullah is the man you want fighting for truth, justice and the Pakistani way. Like a local Judge Dredd, he saw past the clutter and brought down his meaty fist of logic. His mind leapt like Alexander confronted with a Gordian knot, except instead of slicing it in half, he proceeded to tie his own brain in the same knotted configuration. His reason for banning concerts was unquestionably manly. Anyone else would have taken a look at the tragedy that occurred at a recent Atif Aslam concert and decided to make whining and mewling complaints about greater need for proper event organisation and venues with properly marked exits. Maybe even a stricter adherence to limiting audience numbers. But Rana Sanaullah has no time for such childish haggling. If a tragedy occurred at a concert, then to him the concert is to blame. That’s just how he rolls. He is now going to shift his focus towards the recent tragic deaths of over 65 patients caused by medicines prescribed by the Punjab Institute of Cardiology. It’s only a matter of time before he responds by banning medicine, institutes, cardiology and patients.

So if you are young and wanted to listen to some live music, maybe jump around in an awkward approximation of rhythm, then do it fast while you are still allowed to. If, however, you want to indulge those yearnings for companionship and romance that we all feel and find that an open air park is just the place to do so, then your luck ran out already. No more can the young lover sit under the shade of a tree and read poems to his intended, nor can he and she inch their fingers towards one another’s hands on a wooden bench while birds chirp in the background. Maya Khan, self-appointed avenging emissary of decency, celibacy and parental disapproval will swoop down on you like a drone that is prone to breaking out into Bollywood dance routines. Flanked by an army of women who will hunt you down and lecture you with the precision of a laser-guided missile full of self-righteousness, she prowls the grasslands of Pakistan seeking out romance wherever it may dare to blossom. Samaa TV, on which she airs her wretchedly unwatchable morning show has clearly decided that ratings spikes are far more important than, say, responsible behaviour or respect for privacy. Which is why I am planning to put up cameras in their bathrooms that broadcast live.

So if you are young, get ready to get bored. Until someone finds fault in that too.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 26^th, 2012. 

Most countries are stuck with only one way of removing their governments; waiting until the next elections and then vote them out. How boring. Can you imagine sitting there and waiting for the full term of office to complete itself before something new comes along? No wonder the Americans begin their election campaigning just two days after the previous election ended. The modern attention span is limited to the length of an advertisement now; who has the time to wait around for the entire time? That just goes against the spirit of the 21^st century. This is the era of variety. Gone are those days when you settled for the singular. When I was a child you had PTV and they showed 32 seconds of Heckle and Jeckle before the Sindhi news and an edited episode of Matlock before the end of transmission. If you didn’t like it you were welcome to watch snow on static on any other channel because that was your only option. Today, in 2012, I can turn on the TV and browse between over 100 channels, all showing radically different versions of the same political talk show and a Bollywood awards ceremony. This is what my ancestors died for, killed for even. Which is why, when it comes to removing the sitting Government, us Pakistanis want a veritable menu of choices.

1) VOTE THEM OUT IN NEXT SCHEDULED ELECTION: This would be the normal way of doing things but then who wants to be normal? Normal isn’t exciting. Plus, what if the leading party is able to win enough votes in that next normal election to stay in power? That is just too wretched to contemplate.

Which is why we can consider 2) FORCE AN EARLY ELECTION: This is enticing because the current five-year election cycle demands just too much patience. It doesn’t help that all our political parties are capable of scorched-earth levels of corruption and incompetence in a one-year period. To give them five full years is like committing suicide really slowly. Common sense would dictate that the elections be held on a four-yearly schedule, but then even that seems too long these days. We should just demand a fresh election every year. That way everyone gets a chance and there’s not much waiting around.

Or; 3) MILITARY COUP: This is something we love when it happens then hate in retrospect. Just like every single relationship you were in. Unfortunately, the novelty has worn off and at this point it would just feel like a retelling of a tale already retold a few times.

Moving on to 4) JUDICIAL COUP: An exciting new form of coup-ing. An unplanned by-product of the happy union between independence and judiciary, this allows for the Supreme Court to actually dissolve the government and demand fresh elections. It would be a radical way of changing governments in Pakistan, not just because it would see the judiciary so boldly taking on the government but would also prove that the judiciary is capable of doing anything at all, other than making vague statements that involve current benches asking for larger benches, until the law of diminishing returns takes over. 5) REVOLUTION: Even though the Arab Spring has been quite exciting, it just doesn’t translate here. Largely because an uprising like that makes little sense against an elected government that can be voted out. Plus, the last people’s revolution we had was led by the legal community and we still haven’t gotten over the embarrassment of Ali Ahmed Kurd’s hair.

Other more questionable options are 6) ASSASSINATIONS, 7) GOVERNMENT GOING TO DUBAI ON HOLIDAY AND NOT COMING BACK and 8) MANSOOR IJAZ ANNOYING EVERYONE TILL THEY COMMITT SUIDICE JUST SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE HIS FACE IN THE NEWS ANYMORE.

No wonder we can’t make a decision. Times like this you let someone else do the choosing for you. Which is kind of our favorite choice of all.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 19^th, 2012.