I would like to change my pants: Saad Haroon

Comedian Saad Haroon on his privacy, wanting to be an iPhone, and enjoying other people’s misery.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I think it’s eating a Snickers bar in front of the TV, at home after a long day with no one disturbing me.

What is your greatest fear?

Not answering questionnaires properly.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I’m always taking naps. I don’t know why. My body tells me its nap time.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Schadenfreude.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Petrol.

What is your current state of mind?

Happy.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Eyelashes. People are always going on and on about them but I don’t really notice them.

On what occasion do you lie?

Never.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

What’s not to like?

Which living person do you most despise?

No one really, it takes too much effort and I’m too lazy.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

See below.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

See above.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

I say ‘like’ and ‘yeah’ a lot.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Good looks. Can’t go wrong with that.

When and where were you happiest?

I have been happy and I think ‘happiest’ is always just around the corner.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My pants.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

This interview.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I’d come back as an iPhone so everyone would want me.

Where would you most like to live?

I’d most like to live.

What is your most treasured possession?

My privacy. . . no, my TV.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Boredom.

If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?

I’d take over the planet.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Stalling while thinking of answers.

Who is your hero of fiction?

Howard Rourke.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Jinnah.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Anyone who gets up in the morning, goes to work and doesn’t complain.

What is your greatest regret?

I don’t have any great regrets. Of course, you have some failures, but usually I don’t think you end up with great regrets.

What’s your favourite quote?

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 9^th, 2011.