Single but not searching

Not all women equate being single to being lonely

Words cannot describe the grief Samra Alvi* felt walking out of the hospital, after her husband’s death. Only 21 years old at the time, Samra realised that there was a long, lonely journey ahead for her and her five-month-old baby. “It is very hard for a single woman — especially a single mother — to survive in this society, you see” Samra says now, 34 years after the incident. “Men tend to treat single women as if they are their private property.”

Fortunately, Samra wasn’t one to wallow in self pity. Keen to secure a safe future for her family, she enrolled in a matriculate programme, completed her intermediate studies and began working at a bank as a telephone operator. University, external training and a great deal of hard work followed, thanks to which Samra is now the vice president of a renowned private bank in Pakistan. She is also a happy grandmother of three children and wouldn’t have life any other way. “I was lucky that my parents were still around when I lost my husband,” confesses Samra in retrospect.



Much like Samra, Lahore-based banker and mother of two Nadia Bashir also became a single mother at a young age after ending on an unpleasant marriage. And much like Samra, the thought of remarrying — or retreating from the harsh Pakistani society — never even occurred to Nadia. “After I got divorced, I could literally feel the change in the attitude of men I interacted with,” Nadia shares the negative perceptions associated with a divorcee. “I had to put my foot down,” she says. “I had to show my male colleagues that being divorced doesn’t automatically put you back in the market again. With time, everyone realised I am a strong woman, focused on her kids only.”

Samra and Nadia are amongst the handful of women who beat the status quo of needing a male shadow to live a happy, complete life. Granted that marriage is the most sacred of social institutions that should not be disregarded, our society tends to overlook the fact that sometimes, things just do not work out. And when that happens, it is perfectly fine for woman to resume life on her own.



Unfortunately, in the subcontinent, the survival of a single woman of marriageable age is still quite challenging. This becomes even worse for women who have been formerly married as people want to know why she is single again and whether she is seeking new suitors yet or not. The prevailing notion is that a woman must have a man to lead her life. This desire to re-marry a previously married daughter can also be the taboo still associated with divorce. In a society where brides are often told that, ‘Ab is ghar se tumhara janaza he nikalna chahiye (now you will leave this house only after you are dead)’, upon their rukhsati, it is hardly surprising that parents would rather their daughters drag out an unhappy marriage than seek a divorce.

“Divorce in particular is of prime interest to society,” explains 42-year-old professor Beena Rizvi* who proves being a single mother does not always end in loneliness. “I live independently and earn enough to support all my children. We are a happy family but no one will really believe that, would they?” Of course, a woman’s family plays a vital role in how her post-separation life pans out. If her parents are still alive, they will support her in whatever she wants to do. Nonetheless, most parents will want their daughters to settle down once again with someone new, even if the daughters aren’t too keen on it.

In the case of deceased spouses, however, there is much more at play than social stigmas. “The memories of my late husband have stayed with me all this time and I don’t intend on marrying again,” says Tehreem Butt* who lost her husband some time ago. “I have a loving family, caring friends, a child and a good job to keep me occupied. It has been tough, yes, but I am never lonely,” she adds. Forty five year old widow Sarwat Hakeem* agrees. “The fact of the matter is that while it is always great to have a partner to share your life with, not having one doesn’t always imply you want one,” says Sarwat. “It has been over a decade since my husband passed away and much to the dismay of my mother and sisters, I haven’t remarried yet. In fact, I simply don’t want to!”

Hearing of a single-parent remarrying also raises the concern of the new spouse and existing children will get along. The fear of living with step families actually discourages many divorced or widowed women from tying the knot once again.  “It takes a very big and welcoming heart to accept someone else’s child as your own,” explains single-mother Maham Syed, who got divorced at the age of just 27. “Neither am I so selfish as to abandon my children, remarry and move on with my life nor can I expect a suitor to be a real father to my children. I know that is impossible.” Maham now lives independently with her children, determined to show the world that a woman can support herself and be content without a husband.

However, the experience of marriage, remarriage or single life is different for every individual. Nageena Pervaiz*, for example, shares her story saying that,  “After my mother passed away, my father remarried a lady who I would call ‘bearable’ at best,” says Nageena. “But after my husband died, I remarried a father of four children all of whom love me to bits.”

There needs to be a change in attitudes toward single women, regardless of whether they are unmarried or have been married before. People must learn to see marriage as a choice, rather than an obligation. A woman’s decision to remain single or actively search for a partner is her prerogative; it’s personal and ought to be left in her hands only. After all, there are plenty of single women out there who are doing just fine.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy

Mandy Hale – The single woman

American author Mandy Hale has become known worldwide as ‘The Single Woman’ after publishing a women’s wellness guide entitled The Single Woman: Life, Love and a Dash of Sass in October 2010. In just over four years, Mandy has acquired a massive fan following of half a million people from across the globe and hopes to inspire single women to live their lives to the fullest and not regret the lack of a male partner. Mandy’s straight from the heart, witty and humorous takes on life and love is admirable. Here is someone who isn’t afraid of singlehood in a world which still asks “And why are you still single?”





Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, December 14^th, 2014.