Parenting: boys don’t cry?

Are we giving our children the right message?

The very concept of crying denotes vulnerability. Teary eyes, a puffy face and red nose are considered signs of weakness in the human makeup — a cause of alarm. When we see someone crying in public, we turn away, unsure of how to deal with this social faux pas.

This situation becomes even worse when the person crying is a male. While a woman’s tears are acceptable, the sight of a man crying is generally considered worthy of censure, insults and underhanded teasing. Unfortunately, this social bias is not restricted by geographical boundaries, race or religion. People everywhere react similarly to the tears of a man who, according to the common status quo, must fulfill his role as protector and therefore, never cry. Even though science repeatedly insists that crying is natural, our innate cultural teachings still reinforce that the strongest of men are those who don’t cry. In fact, this notion of the macho alpha male is embedded so deeply that holding back tears has become an integral part of the masculine identity, except in times of extreme happiness or grief, such as the birth of a child or death of a loved one. Statements like “Big boys don’t cry” and “Crying is for the weak” are part of everyday jargon in a male child’s upbringing. But the worst accusation — with by far, the most severe implications — is the rhetorical question “Are you a girl? Don’t cry!” Weakness in feminine attributes and using them as a form of insult to the male gender is no new-age thinking. Anytime a man is seen behaving in a way generally ascribed to women, it is strenuously rejected and crying is no exception.



Basic biology, however, offers a different viewpoint. Research has proved there are numerous benefits of crying for both men and women and therefore, it should be encouraged. Suppressed emotions can adversely affect the underlying biochemistry of the human body. As time passes, these repressed feelings manifest themselves in different ways, such as high blood pressure and heart diseases and even mental aggression and instability. According to the American Psychological Association (APA) and journals like the Psychology of Men and Masculinity, crying directly affects a male’s self-esteem as well.

Despite this, men are dissuaded from crying. Dr Zaemma Ahmer, professorof community health sciences at Liaquat College of Medicine and Dentistry offers statistics from the APA to highlight the gender differences when it comes to crying. “Women, on average, cry five to six times a month where as men are prone to only 0-1 bouts of crying,” she says. “This could be due the presence of testosterone in the male body which inhibits crying. Prolactin, found in women actually stimulates it.”



Nonetheless, Dr Zaemma believes it should be permissible for men to vent out their feelings, regardless of whether they are good or bad. “At the school where I teach, comments like “Why are you crying? Are you a girl?” (Array, rau kyun raha hai? Larki hai kiya?) are heard quite often,” she says. Not only does it show disregard for women, it discourages boys from crying further.

Marya Rahat, a kindergarten teacher at the Beaconhouse School System believes that society should promote healthy discussion about feelings and be more tolerant of sentimental males. Citing an old image of a refugee from Bosnia bawling behind a net of barbed wires, she says that “Suppressing emotions can eventually trigger a loss of emotional control.” She also suggests that as men are considered more capable of handling emotions, we try to make our young boys into strong men and prepare them for any problems that might come their way. As our boys begin to build their own identities of grown men, the toughest lesson they have to learn is toughness itself. They aren’t allowed to show fragility, fear and above all, shed a single tear just because they are boys.



Rehabilitation psychologist Sarah Taher explains that there is a general expectation for men to actively hide their emotions which society justifies using biological and social differences between males and females. “Granted that men and women are very different but how does that render it unacceptable for a man to express himself,” questions Sarah. “Does this mean they aren’t allowed to have any emotions? Our feelings are, after all, a validation of our inner world.”

Fortunately, things are starting to turn around with a new wave of post-feminist videos, articles and social media which encourage discussion on gender disparity and how it ought to be eradicated. In the west, British actor Emma Watson recently launched the #HeForShe campaign to counter gender inequality, following a speech at the United Nations on the same topic. Closer to home, Vogue India has established the #VogueEmpower movement for women in India. In fact, there most recent project, a video titled “#BoysDontCry” has been gaining popularity the world over. Directed by Vinil Mathew, the short film depicts the story of a boy who is admonished against crying throughout his life. The lack of an emotional outlet develops internal frustrations which ultimately culminate in him abusing his wife physically. The last scene of the video features a powerful message from Bollywood actor Madhuri Dixit who suggests that “Instead of telling boys not to cry like girls, we should tell them not to make girls cry.”

SOURCE: VOGUE.IN/EMPOWER

Campaigns like #VogueEmpower are imperative to introduce active gender discourse to the wider audience, particularly in places like the sub continent where literacy rates are low and the alpha male dominates society. Discouraging men from showing their emotion can not only unsettle them psychologically but also give them a fake sense of power which breeds more violence like that shown in the video. There have also been documented cases

“The notion that crying is feminine and a sign of weakness stems from traditional gender stereotypes,” says Sarah. There is ample discussion over how female behaviour is policed by social attitudes but seldom do we observe that the emotional behaviour of the male is policed in the same way. But it is now time to challenge these attitudes, via effective discussions and spreading awareness. We must ask ourselves why men must be shamed if they cry and whether or not we are willing to pay the price if they do not.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 2^nd, 2014.