10 things I hate about birthdays

So you’re another year closer to eventual organ failure. Let’s celebrate by clogging our arteries with cake.

1.    The build-up. The day you came into this disease-ridden world, naked and squealing, is a special and magical day. Amazing things are going to happen to you on the day that fate and your parents randomly decided to set your misery in motion. So you had better start counting down to the day four-and-three-quarter months before and telling all your friends about it.

2.   The midnight celebrations. It’s the witching hour when demons are let loose and this is when your birthday actually begins.

3.   The cake. So you’re another year closer to eventual organ failure. Let’s celebrate by clogging our arteries some more and piling on the pounds. And while we’re at it, let’s rub each others’ faces with cream and chocolate. So what if you spent nearly five grand on a facial yesterday?

4.   The phone calls. Oops sorry, it’s three in the morning, were you sleeping? Just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. Hope you have a great day tomorrow/today. What’s that? You’re an insomniac and have trouble falling asleep and you didn’t want to look like a deranged raccoon on your birthday so you took sedatives but now they wont work because I woke you up with my once-a-year phone call? Oh well at least I reminded all my friends that it’s your birthday and they’ll be calling next.

5.   The Facebook wishes. I don’t know you, I’ve only ever met you once at your third cousin’s third divorce GT but I really do sincerely hope that you have a great day and an awesome year ahead because I actually care. Winky smiley face.

6.   The surprises. I have a weak heart which gets weaker as I grow older but I really appreciate the fact that all of you broke into my house while I wasn’t around and howled like banshees when I walked in after a 13-hour work day. Oh look at that, you guys all dressed up because you KNEW there was going to be a party and I haven’t even showered. Ha ha ha.

7.  The gifts. I just love the anti-ageing cream that you so considerately picked out for me. And no, it’s completely okay that all 16 of you showed up to my very expensively-catered birthday bash without any gifts at all. Who needs material gifts when I have precious friends like you?

8.  The number. You’re a quarter-of-a-century old. Fun! Do you know how people look like when they’re a hundred. Fuunn! What’s the average age of women in our country? FUUNNN!

9.  The angst. Another year gone by without you achieving any of the milestones that you had set for yourself. Being rich, young and famous is for losers who have nothing better to do but achieve amazing stuff. You are now on the wrong side of 25 and more prone to all sorts of diseases and ending up alone with cats for company. Bring out the champagne.

10.  The end. The day that you had hoped will change your life has come and gone without any of the magical special things that were supposed to happen to a magical special person like yourself. So what? There’s always next year - if you don’t succumb to heart disease from excessive cake consumption, that is.

Published in The Express Tribune, November 14^th, 2010.