Canadian-French singer Abbas Hasan put blinding effort to outshine all of humanity at Fashion Parade 2014. Nothing wrong with that, except safety is priority and the musician is a health hazard here.
We get he wants to be a star. Sadly, he didn’t get the memo where they tell the desperate and the infamous that stardom is a metaphor. You don’t have to look like one and literally set our sight ablaze. Also, the All Pakistan Aunty Association has officially lodged a complaint against him. The local market has run dry of fake crystals and sequined monstrosities. They have nothing to wear to their biweekly high teas and they claim he is to blame. Apparently, the outfit is inspired by Game of Thrones. Can he please stick to composing sad songs about his neighbour’s dead dog instead of conceptualising outfits? Or maybe it’s the trauma of losing the dog, whose death he is clearly not over as he is still wearing its carcass.
The charge sheet Outfit
No one can decide where the outfit begins and where Abbas ends. You stare in fascination, sinking into a deep abyss and wonder why he is wearing leather pants. Whose horse did he kill to steal the saddle draped across his shoulders? Was he in prison right before his red carpet appearance and forgot to take off the chains? How will he survive the synthetic leather and post-sequin rash that is bound to be lethal in such high dosage? Why am I still alive?
His inspiration was seemingly Game of Thrones, but he eventually ended up looking like he was thrown out of a Viking restaurant. Had he come across any of the characters from the show, he would’ve been slain in the first five seconds of the first episode.
The mental health or lack thereof: Someone get him to a counsellor ASAP! He seems to be under the assumption that wearing a dead dog means that the only friend he had in his life is still alive. Dear Abbas:
1. Denial is not a river in Egypt
2. Your tortured psyche is not helping your music, so get help
3. Try imaginary friends
All of us at the Fashion Police headquarters are severely traumatised. Abbas is someone we did not enjoy arresting. He is currently in custody and attempting revenge by putting on attires from other fantasy shows. He just glitter glued himself in order to look like Edward Cullen from Twilight. As a public service message and to prevent further nervous breakdowns, we gave him the following examples of men from the red carpet of the same event.
When in doubt, play it safe. The singer looks like your average uncle at a shaadi. A plain black suit with no accessories, even if it’s a tad disproportionate, is workable. Zohaib’s look is blended into everything and nothing, and when you don’t have a fashion sense or the money to hire a stylist, this is okay. It does not carry the risk of cardiac arrest for fellow attendees at an event. Given Abbas’ delicate mental condition, this look is what he should aim for. Always and forever.
One day, after decades of therapy, Abbas could aspire to wear attire like Ali Zafar’s. The dapper summer look is done to near perfection. Ali came really close to looking like a maître d at a French restaurant with his white summer jacket with black lapels, but the shirt saves it, never mind the satin. His pants would have been ridiculous had they not been folded at the ankles. The shoes are what hipster chic happy endings are made of.
Published in The Express Tribune, June 27th, 2014.