JUI-F’s master of deadpan spins drone theory

He never allowed me to find out whether this JUI-F Maulana was being serious or simply trying to make us laugh.

Notwithstanding the laidback conduct of our government on this matter, the fact remains that from the first week of June 2014, each Pakistani has to prove being polio-virus-free while standing before immigration desks in all foreign countries. It indeed is a very serious matter and most of our representatives did try to evolve a consensus strategy for dealing with it Tuesday.

In our directly elected national assembly, though, also present is a big crowd of religiosity-driven politicians. Instead of addressing everyday issues of our mortal life, they prefer to blame Jewish conspiracies for all of our miseries. Some of them seriously believed that most Pakistanis would never agree to let health volunteers enter their homes to dole out polio-protecting drops, “unless credible and revered Ulema do not declare with consensus that all ingredients of these drops are Halal and they do not harm the virility of our males.”

Jamaluddin Gohar, who represents South Waziristan, perhaps felt bored with these suggestions. He certainly wanted to sound different and came out with an astonishing spin. Like a master performer of deadpan, he never allowed me at least to find out whether this JUI-F Maulana was being serious or simply trying to make us laugh with subtle humor.

Yet too convinced he sounded while firmly claiming that the US drones were responsible for spreading the poliovirus in our tribal belt and obviously, the Muslim-hating Americans were doing this with the sinister intent of projecting Pakistan as a polio-spreading country. Not one member following him for hollow speechmaking in general discussion on polio dared refuting his spin. Winding up the discussion, even the state minister of health, an otherwise diligent-acting Saira Afzal Tarrar, preferred to disregard the story told by Maulvi Gauhar.

My shocked mind meanwhile wandered to recall millions of the US dollars that hundreds of donor-funded NGOs had been wasting in the name of developing a “communication strategy to sensitize Pakistanis”, especially the ones living in tribal areas regarding some major issues of basic health.

Instead of wasting money and time here and there, donors must approach the likes of Gauhar to learn some tools of communication. After all, the World Health Organization (WHO) had also approached Maulana Samiul Haq in this context. It persuaded the Royal Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to invite Maulana and request him to use his influence for helping the polio-eradication campaign in Pakistan.

Thanks to this effort, Maulana Samiul Haq eventually joined Imran Khan in dropping polio vaccine to some children. After this photo-op event, however, he pulled himself out for he was furious that a pamphlet had been distributed in tribal areas. It carried a FATWA (the religious edict), which had urged good Muslims to give polio drops to their children. Maulana strongly believed that the distribution of this fatwa would hamper his efforts to persuade TTP to sit for negotiations with the government.

While cutting across the party-divide, most members were busy noisemaking on polio-connected issues, the self-styled party of urban middle classes, the one and only MQM, remained obsessed to find out from the government as to why their London-based leader had yet not been issued the Pakistani passport. As if to pacify them, the state minister of interior, Baleeghur Rahman, especially came to the house to claim that computers installed at the London office of NADRA failed in correctly entering data, which its staff had gathered by visiting Altaf Hussein at his residence.

This obviously was a lame excuse. But the government promoted it with a purpose. From heart of their hearts, most ministers strongly feel that the MQM’s noises over the delay in issuing visa to their Quaid is helping to divert attention from a far more ominous issue that Imran Khan and his party have been trying to create with their narrative of massive rigging in the May 2013 elections.

Much ado regarding the passport issue rather furnished an opening for Javed Hashmi to look good and statesmanlike to the MQM. He took the floor to demand that instead of dilly-dallying the government ensure immediate delivery of the passport to Altaf Hussein’s home in London.

Imran Khan is now in the process of alliance building to enforce midterm elections. His relations with the MQM remained acrimonious for many years and some happenings on May 11, 2013 at various polling stations of Karachi had added passionate intensity to this bitterness. Hashmi’s remarks in the house Tuesday would surely help to dilute it.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 14^th, 2014.