Salvage your marriage

Whether it makes you realise why you are together or why you shouldn’t be, marital therapy can help find solutions.

As tears trickle down her cheeks, 38-year-old Zara*, a mother of three, sits across her therapist and attempts to unload her worries. Feelings that she had bottled up finally begin to pour. She begins by sharing that her stubborn teenage son is out of control.

Blowing off steam, she continues to unveil the intertwined problems that she can’t deal with any longer. “My husband always sides with my son, he never cooperates with me... He has never understood me in these 20 years,” says the heavy-hearted Zara.

Struggling with identifying why she is trapped in such a situation, she feels overwhelmed with guilt and agitation.  As the session unfolds, Dr Afsheen Anwar, a psychotherapist and lead consultant and director at The H Factor Solutions in Karachi, detects the underlying cause of her problem. She delineates that although Zara’s son’s behaviour is worrisome, the primary concern is the friction with her husband. She notes that the child’s disruptive behaviour could potentially be a consequence of the couple’s unstable relationship. The lack of understanding between them has exacerbated their familial troubles.



Dr Anwar’s session with the husband reveals that he is tired and peace-deprived. He finds himself either slogging at work or stuck in the middle of a row between his wife and son. Since he realised that his involvement made matters worse, he began maintaining his distance from them. The core problems between the couple, as Dr Anwar notes, are conflicting expectations and lack of communication.

Through sessions that spanned over four months, Dr Anwar says, “The couple learnt how each other’s behaviour was perceived and what it actually meant. They learnt to see the real meaning of things and communicated more effectively without hurting each other, while also working collectively to develop a mutual understanding with their child.” This is just one of the ways that couples therapy or marriage counselling can help a couple gain insight into problems that constrict their relationship from growing.

Though psychologists have been offering marriage counselling in Pakistan for more than a decade now, its growth has been sluggish and it is primarily seen as a stigmatised means of healing. Lack of awareness and the stigma attached to visiting a mental health therapist has led to countless couples either passing their lives in silent suffering or ending their marriages.

Imran Zafar, an independent therapist and clinical psychologist from Karachi has been providing marriage counselling service for the past six years. He feels that couples are reluctant to go for therapy because they think it will disclose their secrets. “They regard marriage counselling as an admission of defeat and think that because they couldn’t do it themselves or with the help of the usual support system, they are being forced into seeking help,” he argues. Zafar advises that instead of coming to therapy when the relationship is in tatters, couples should seek help earlier. Therapy is most effective if the problem is spotted in the initial stages.

According to Dr Anwar, a couple should instantly seek counselling if they feel they are going around in circles. She suggests, “Don’t take it [your conflicts] to a level from where return is impossible and where ego issues start hampering decisions.” “Counselling will help you identify things that are triggering your behaviour and that of your spouse. As you identify what stops you both from showing your true emotions and expectations, you can learn to change that pattern and move on,” she adds.



Recent developments in the profession have increased its acceptance in the educated, urbanised segments of Pakistan, with many troubled couples turning to and benefitting from counselling. After 24 years of marriage, Ayesha* thought that her relationship with her husband was going downhill. “I couldn’t find any harmony — it had come to a point where I started to deliberate as to why I was in this relationship because besides my two beautiful children, I hadn’t gotten anything out of it,” shares Ayesha. Although she and her husband were living together, they felt detached and the situation felt hopeless at times.

Just as Ayesha started losing hope in her marriage, a close friend recommended couples therapy to her. Her husband was initially reluctant but eventually gave in as this seemed like the only solution. As the sessions progressed, Ayesha noticed an improvement in the communication between her and her husband. “Marriage counselling made me more tolerant, understanding and receptive and strengthened our mental state. It took the stress out of our communication. We are now more open to each other’s ideas and opinions,” she says.

With the counsellor’s guidance, spouse’s cooperation and your own will to change, you can develop a healthy, workable relationship with your partner. “While coming for marriage therapy, the couple should realise that though they will expect many changes in their partner, they will first have to learn what they can do to better themselves,” says Zafar. “The ideal change comes from within. We have no control over the other person but we can work on ourselves and bring positive energy to the relationship,” he states.

Dr Aliya Aftab, a clinical psychologist at the Mariam Healing Center in Lahore, says that couples fight without realising the repercussions it has for their mental well-being. Seeking help from a counsellor or mental health professional who will objectively address their problems can help a great deal. “Marriage counselling is an effective tool that enables couples to review their thinking and change their behaviour. Sometimes, we carry our past experiences with us, we need to learn how to overcome them and reshape our faulty thinking patterns, beliefs and expectations and remould the way we approach relationships,” she says.

Marriage counselling helps couples in discarding destructive belief systems that are built upon poor life experiences and learn the art of conflict resolution. “Effective marriage counselling provides lasting solutions, addresses the root cause(s) of problems and heals the marriage from within,” she asserts.  During counselling, couples are provided with a road map and checklist to identify what healthy and destructive behaviours are in marriage. They also learn tools and develop skills to sail through challenges and overcome issues. All it takes is two people willing to learn, grow and transform their marriage.

Quite interestingly, many counsellors don’t think that an increase in marriage counselling could affect the rising divorce rate because in certain cases, ending the marriage is best for the couple. However, Dr Anwar states that if people realise that even major communication issues can be resolved, the option of divorce can be avoided. “If marriage counselling is considered before filing for divorce, as it is abroad, divorces here would be less ugly and damaging. Parting ways would then be a more rational decision. It wouldn’t add insult to injury and creep into the person’s next relationship(s),” she says.

With the availability of more trained professionals and increasing awareness, distressed couples will hopefully be able to find solace in their relationships. So, if you are at loggerheads with your partner, fighting with him/her has become customary, you are in an abusive relationship or you find it hard to communicate with your mate, you don’t have to silently endure the pain or hastily call it quits. Remember that there are experts who can help you overcome marital distress.

Marriage counselling sessions range from Rs 2,000 to 4,000 per session, depending upon the counsellor.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 24^th, 2013.