The writer is the recipient of the James A Wechsler Award for International Reporting and a graduate of Columbia University’s Graduate School of Journalism
It’s been 10 days since I left Pakistan to begin an international assignment that could last up to two years. I literally packed my life in two suitcases and moved half way around the world for a new start in life. Unfortunately, the baggage of my relationship with Pakistan couldn’t be packed as neatly into a suitcase or two. As I waited to catch my flight at Karachi’s Jinnah International Airport, I was overwhelmed by a dangerous cocktail of emotions that will have to be unpacked in the years to come. Pakistan is every Pakistani’s first love — but why is it that we choose to abandon our homeland in search of a better life — even if it’s just a temporary move?
At first, you feel ungrateful and hypocritical to even let yourself feel this way after trying so hard to take a break from your taxing physical relationship with Pakistan. “This is exactly what you need in life right now,” argues the mind. “But why do I feel so overwhelmed with emotions,” the heart teases. “Shouldn’t the right decision also ‘feel’ right in the heart?” Herein lies the crux of every Pakistani’s dilemma. If truth is the first casualty of war, then ‘logic’ is the first casualty of love. We know that physically clinging to Pakistan isn’t right for us all the time but we want to do it anyway, especially when we’re separating.
All rational analysis of Pakistan’s future is unanimous: there is no future to look forward to. You don’t have to be a PhD in political science to come to that conclusion. Daily life in Pakistan has become physically painful: from the constant fear of being held up at gunpoint to disruptive electricity shortages and the violent spread of extremism. These anecdotal examples are only physical manifestations of a much deeper rot; the writing on the wall is clear for anyone who actually wants to read it. Incidentally, my last column, published two days before my departure, was titled “Pakistan’s obituary” and I took that opportunity to pronounce the country dead. “Pakistan, the enigmatic, brash, much misunderstood country with a heart of gold, lost its protracted battle with the cancerous spread of a particularly crippling strain of extremism at the fateful age of 66 yesterday,” was the opening line of that article. On my flight out of Pakistan though, I wanted to disown the article already. It was a classic case of conflict between the heart and the mind, with the heart overpowering the mind momentarily.
Pakistan’s love is arresting; it leaves you vulnerable, exposed and confused. It makes you feel physically weak in the knees — because it forces you to pick a side in a battle between the heart and the mind. It’s like being forced to pick a side in an argument between your parents; all your life, they’ve helped you make decisions and you feel visibly hapless while choosing between them. And to top it all off, Pakistan’s love is also charmingly abusive, it takes everything out of you and still makes you beg for more. It never actually lets you pick sides between the heart and the mind; instead, it simply lets you waver in the golden middle.
This isn’t the first time I’ve left Pakistan temporarily and nor will it be the last time that I’ll leave the country for good reason. In the final analysis, the mind always makes better decisions than the heart. But the fact that there’s someone in your life who can rip through your defences and make you feel completely helpless when it comes to your emotions is a good feeling. It reminds you that your heart has a place it can call home. And for better or for worse, I wouldn’t exchange my love affair with Pakistan for any other country in the world.
Published in The Express Tribune, November 21st, 2013.
Like Opinion & Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.
COMMENTS (32)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive.
For more information, please see our Comments FAQ
1713853507-0/MalalaHilary-(2)1713853507-0-270x192.webp)
@ Humza Isn’t this post is about a Pakistani missing his home country and this threatens you?
Not at all. Instead you use this an excuse to bring in your biases against the country. (Now, this is your bias) I don’t think the disgruntled(you say disgruntled, I say logical and based on facts) words of an Indian writer against Pakistan will not turn Pakistanis against their homeland (its sad). Perhaps you don’t understand that a lot of Pakistanis do not think of India as a nation at all but just a British colonial construct. We don’t buy into the the myth of a British Indian nation (and you buy the of Pakistan as a nation..!! great) as dictated by the European. What will you do when someone makes a clip or blog site saying India should never have been freed by the British who created it? (British created Pakistan, not India :) )
Thanks for reading my blog post.
Every passing day, the feeling of devastation is rising!
You are very fortunate to have left Pakistan, my dear Sir.
@Shahnawaz: Isn't this post is about a Pakistani missing his home country and this threatens you? Instead you use this an excuse to bring in your biases against the country. I don't think the disgruntled words of an Indian writer against Pakistan will not turn Pakistanis against their homeland. Perhaps you don't understand that a lot of Pakistanis do not think of India as a nation at all but just a British colonial construct. We don't buy into the the myth of a British Indian nation as dictated by the European. What will you do when someone makes a clip or blog site saying India should never have been freed by the British who created it?
To read more about the reality of Pakistan's creation. http://rationalinferences.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/independenceofpk/
Now ask yourself about the ill conceived idea of falling in love with the dreaded land piece.
Instead of Pakistan Zindabad, the new slogan is "Pakistan say zinda-bhag"
Pakistanis get homesick when they go to western countries. No one gets homesick in Dubai. No one pines for returning home, once they love the comforts of UAE and others like Qatar, Oman, Saudi.
I love Pakistan, Pakistan Zindabad - This is an article which truly expresses the feeling of every Pakistani!!!
@Ghostrider: That is the reason why your players cry when they are not allowed to play in IPL and hockey which are domestic sports event and not international. You artist cry when they are not allowed to come to India to earn money.
@jilal, you seem to be factually wrong..Pakistan is NOT richer than India, take your pick from any of these data: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ListofcountriesbyGDP(nominal)per_capita
@Indra - Totally agreed....Hinduism is the older religion and rich civilization. Whatever civilization present in the Islamic world has been overrun by the venomous Arab ideologies...
http://www.awaminationalparty.org/books/factsarefacts.pdf @author Read this book for proper knowledge about ML communal politics before 1947.
This article, There's something called 'being home-sick'. Happens to everybody when thrown out of a comfort zone, Don't create grand causes behind simple problems. Give it a week or so, you'll be cured.
@Devils Advice @Kafir how much a troll makes in India. Since on the whole-Indians per capita income is less than Pakistan-it would not be much.but atleast it should be enough to feed you.
@water bottle: Remove JOSH, JAZBA from any newspaper/media any where in the world, and and a nation will be literally dead.......take the Indian example...latest survey says (20.11.2013) 60% Indians do not have access to TOILETS....now how could would you hide this shameful state unless our media ignores it and concentrate over other things with JOSH and JAZBA?
@Insaan: Wrong, I returned "ONLY" to build India in my own small way. In India, we have a civilization (Hinduism). Its unique only to us, in a societal scale, given the size and scope of India and excluding littoral states like Pak,Nepal, Bangla . We come back to watch that Mahabarat shake of the shackles of Islam and Imperialism to rise up back once again as a dominant force or even the only single dominant force in the world. We are here to make India that. Dont be delusional.FYI, its the lower middle class that always goes and never comes back. Majority of Pakistanis are lower middle class, whilst India has a lower middle, upper middle, poor and upper;the lower middle class is now becoming upper middle class.As the majority of peoples become "that" and given that people enjoy all religious, social, political,artistic freedoms in India, eventually more and more people dont go abroad. Visited Dubai yet?10-15 years ago, you would see only Indians in Dubai, I hear. Now, the drivers are Pakistani, while Indians have moved on to upper tier Jobs as I saw, even the Cahiwallas are minting money.Same is the trend everywhere, be it the US, UK..wherever. This might be a non secular point of view, but certain realities shouldn't be shrugged under the carpet.
Your feelings are understandable and are only natural. But so many, in Pakistan, in stark contrast to you, happily left their homes and hearth in 1947, to migrate to totally unknown territory, with no option of going back. Do spare a thought for them.
@ashish: anti India sentiment!!! sorry but dont flatter yourself... India is worthy of our pity only
It is fairly amusing to read Pakistani commentators claiming the country was achieved after their forefathers fought hard and sacrificed a lot. More galling is the claim Pakistan was achieved so that they can practice Islam freely. Jinnah types never saw the inside of the prison. They were British stooges and were very useful to the British. People who fought and sacrificed did that for India. Many of them spent 10-15 yrs in prison. This group included Maulana Azad who was called "the show boy" by ML. And many were given cruel harsh labour in the prisons by the British. It looks so long ago, but mere 70 yrs ago. The "sacrifices" of Muslim leaguers consisted of whipping up communal frenzy and riots just before 1947. Every day one reads articles lamenting current state of affairs. But if you are completely unwilling to examine truths and cling to same old fallacies what's the point.
Just too many people said "Goodbye" to this part of the world way way back in late 1959 and early 1960s. Those who visited in between then and now found situation getting worse and worse in every visit. Who is responsible? None other the people themselves.
@Author
“…… Pakistan is every Pakistani’s first love — but why is it that we choose to abandon …… ”
Very well said Sir!
I compliment you on writing this piece with so much emotion and longing. Every word of yours pulls at not only the heartstrings of many like yourself, but also of many others who did not “choose to abandon” their motherland, but were forced to do so, more than half a century ago, for the crime of believing in a faith different from Jinnah’s. Your words are equally poignant for those among these unfortunate ones who are still living. Their feelings of longing for their motherland are no less painful than yours, or of the Palestinians driven out of their homes in Jerusalem. There were also many equally unfortunate ones who believed in the same faith as Jinnah’s, and their pains are no less troubling.
You would be a natural choice to pen a similarly poignant piece for the sake of such unfortunate ones on both sides of the unnatural divide. I would request you to watch this video before you do so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHGDN9-oFJE
This video is also strongly recommended for all my brothers, sisters, children and grandchildren belonging to this extended family, and others interested.
The quality of editorials in Pakistan is abysmal.
The editorials, most of them, also reflects how much Josh Jazba, Junoon have made their ways into the minds of every individual, including the author.
Out of every 10 editorials I find here, at least 6 are based on Josh, Jazba and Junoon and not an analysis of a news.
Editorial is about analysing a news. Giving a POV to a news or a fact or a number.
This writing is fit to be a blog.
@sterry: The number one source immigrants to Canada is from China and India and these groups are eager to run away from their homes but do not wish to visit like most Pakistanis abroad do. This is the difference.
It is difficult for Pakistanis to assimilate in new culture. Many people get lonely and try to refresh by going back often. Desi's who have many close relatives back home are more likely to go back often. Pakistanis also go back to marry their cousins.
If some one loves Pakistan a lot, why will they leave Pakistan in the first place.
Spot on! It was so easy to conform with your views. Standing at a distance from the quigmire, one can easily see where the country is going. That is something which a person living in the situation does not realise. It is so heartbreaking to see your beloved thing going to dogs. How u wish someone could prevent it from happening. Please,please God let somebody's prayer be answered....KAASH!
@shiraz: At the end of the day, Pakistanis whether in Pakistan or abroad remain commited to their homeland despite whatever challenges. That's why no one takes any of the doomsday pronouncements seriously. The land, culture and people are not only part of the genes in the people, it remains with you no matter if people go abroad for opportunity. Most people from Muslim countries want to leave their homelands but I see in North America that only Pakistanis pine for the old country with a type of sentimentality that others cannot grasp. The number one source immigrants to Canada is from China and India and these groups are eager to run away from their homes but do not wish to visit like most Pakistanis abroad do. This is the difference.
@Author - I guess there is a different feeling when one leaves one's homeland because one wants to; and when one leaves when one has to!
Having chosen to leave the shores of your large eastern neighbour permanently, I too have had feelings of homesickness; but never have I felt that the bond has broken. Nor do I have to choose one or the other; I choose both! It is like moving from one's parent's home to one's own home - I am welcome in both places! And there are many of my countrymen (and women) here who feel the same as me.
Difficult subject, nicely handled. Read your ' Pakistan's obituary ' and my comment was something like : Are we already dead ? ...if not, then what does not kill one makes one stronger. On reading this one, I feel the confusion in your mind still needs to settle, but in the end you convince me that when its time to seperate the boys from the men, I know were you will stand.
Dear Author, It is an interesting heading to the title. Using 'Khuda Hafiz' NOT ' Allah Hafiz" is a good step. That is what Muslims used before the society started to identify with Arabs rather than the subcontinent. It is heartening to see some change in approach.