Walk like a man

The first casualty of a knuckle-dragging society is, well, its women.

Asad Rahim Khan June 24, 2013
The writer is a lawyer based in Lahore and studied law at Lincoln’s Inn and the London School of Economics. He tweets @AsadRahim

James Gandolfini was television’s least likely leading man and, partly because of it, its finest. Big, breathy, and balding, Gandolfini defied all casting rules as Tony Soprano, a crime boss at work and emotional cripple at home. And it was for the latter part that he changed the small screen for good. With an unbearable sadness in his eyes, Gandolfini lamented the fall of masculinity for six seasons of The Sopranos. “Whatever happened”, he would plead to his therapist, hating himself, “to the strong, silent type?”

Unlike those types, Tony Soprano was overcome with feelings of inadequacy. A baby boomer, who would never feel the purpose of wartime, a family business heir cheated out of his father’s self-made success, Tony felt that “I came in at the end … that the best is over”. The story was an original one — a monster in midlife crisis, seeking meaning in manhood. But yearn though he did for Old World values, much of Tony’s own manliness was a lie. Terrified of emasculation, he murdered, philandered and overate his way to pure misery.

As was expected from the role of a lifetime, it was punishing for the actor as well. James Gandolfini died from a heart attack last Wednesday at 51, leaving behind a depth to television programming never before thought possible. But the impact wasn’t just higher quality TV. For a man whose breakout film role, too, consisted of 10 minutes of savage violence, his work was itself an indictment of violence and the machismo that fed it. Gifted at playing unglamorous men with uglier souls, the cost was heavy: Gandolfini, prone to self-harming rage in real life, may have fallen into an abyss he created.

It makes one wonder whether we’re truly at peace either, operating in the culture we’ve created at home. Nearly 10 years and two novels ago, Mohsin Hamid wrote, “Ours is a society bombarded with machismo. We have a commando as our president. We read about warrior-martyrs in our schoolbooks. We pull wheelies on speeding motorcycles in heavy traffic for no apparent reason. We grow beards and buy guns and get into fights over imagined instances of disrespect.”

And that’s grazing the surface. Witness our Lollywood films exploding in blood and body parts, or all the locales we’ve stamped with martial goodness: Cavalry, Cantonment, Defence, Teen Talwar. We celebrate dead foreign invaders with our Napier Roads and Port Qasims. Even our gardens are named for serious men — Ayubia National and Jilani Park — though both generals were at least fond of natural beauty (and durable protégés).

Why expect anything else from what is, inarguably, a hard country? “We are tough”, Mr Hamid rationalised, “and we need to be. Ours is, after all, the most dangerous neighbourhood in the world”. But he went on to say, “A great deal of strength is required to be un-macho in our society. And strong, dedicated, un-machoness is essential. It opens up space for expression which might otherwise be bullied into silence”.

But before expression, the first casualty of a knuckle-dragging society is, well, its women. Yes, there is the argument that the more butch a society, the more extraordinary its ladies. We are home to the Muslim world’s first female prime minister, men with moustaches say and it was a Samina that scaled Mount Everest this past May. No doubt, these are encouraging outliers, but that is what they will stay. The problem is a cultural one, and it hits us where it hurts; the way we treat our women, how we exhibit girls’ illiteracy rates to the rest of the world year after shameless year, how we feel the female fraction in the workforce chimes with Pakistan the Nuclear Dynamo.

It’s the same problem in different places. India’s very real rape endemic is being combated with more machismo, like doctors prescribing a drug addict another shot of heroin. The idea is less studied sociology and more ‘80s Bollywood: “real men” don’t let women get hurt, or experience the “shame” that rape victims must feel by obligation. Campaigns in the Indian press (calmly lifted by their Pakistani brethren) beseech men to be men and protect women ... as opposed to raping them. Celebrities like Farhan Akhtar pledge to make Delhi safer for ladies, and then ask “Are you man enough to join me?” As rebutted by Indian activist Kavita Krishnan, “patriarchal male protectors” aren’t the solution. But the point is an even simpler one: claims to manliness need not be wrestled away from the rapists. Had anyone stopped to notice, it was never being claimed by them in the first place. Of all the adjectives the media could have chosen to attack rape with, naamard was a poor first choice.

The late Qazi Hussain Ahmad, doubtless a “patriarchal male protector” for Ms Krishnan, spoke on the subject with a clean heart and the same conviction that turned countless teenagers into town criers yelling, “Zalimon, Qazi aa reha hai”. Phrasing Iqbal’s beautiful words on scent and prayer, Qazi sahib thought a woman’s person sacred and her role mumtaz, sublime. For Qazi Hussain, the Holy Quran held the rights of women and men as equal. To protect them was a trust. Qazi sahib arises strong opinions, but it was an explanation that tugged at the heartstrings. The Jamaat’s last gasp of air, he passed away last January, two months after a failed suicide attempt on his life. Allah bless his soul. The suicide bomber, meanwhile, was a woman.

These are strange times we live in, but seeking the truth is for when you’re not busy surviving. And if being the strong, silent type is linked to survival, so be it — making peace with ourselves can come later. Dr Johnson once wrote, “He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man”. But as with Jim Gandolfini punching himself in helplessness, there usually comes a toll with too much testosterone.

Published in The Express Tribune, June 25th, 2013.

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RMK | 9 years ago | Reply

I think the underlying theme of this subtle, perceptive article is that men too suffer from the soul crushing effects of patriarchy, and that everybody and everything is suffering from the sociopathic bloodlust and exploitative abuse that has come to define our entire civilisation. We encounter violence on our streets, our screens, behind closed doors.

Men are being indoctrinated to LITERALLY get off on violence, to seek pleasure from inflicting pain.

Being a "man" has come to mean stifling every impulse to empathise, to consider, to care about anyone or anything other than fulfilling the sadistic Capitalist ideology of compulsive gain no matter what the consequences or cost.

It's hurting our economies, our ecology, our psychology and it's hurting humanity. It's a tragedy that most men can't even consider the possibility of their lives, or their souls having a higher function.

Sometimes a problem is so insidious, so dissolved in the atmosphere we're living in that it's hard to notice something is terribly wrong, let alone identify what that is. Connecting seemingly disparate dots can be an effective mechanism for issuing a wake-up call when an issue is so systemic, and a certain sex's basest desires are so enabled by it that we can't even acknowledge there's a problem.

x | 9 years ago | Reply This pseudo liberal attitude reeks of seeking to be different for the sake for it. Men and women should be equal but they are different, in physical and emotional make up. While every man and woman is different, is an individual, there is no harm in asking men to be real men. From a super liberal, butch type male to a macho one, manliness is as much a way of life as femininity for women. (this is not an argument agaisnt education, careers, independence, self reliance, freedom and empowerment of women). but I think campaigning thats it's manly to be courteous, respectful and decent towards women is a great initiative. Not just for the rape endemic as u term it, but even in relationships and gender roles, men should realize its not ok to treat their wives badly or like they own them after they've married them or in a relationship with them. Women, regardless of how independent they are or whether they choose to pursue careers or indpendence or look after home and kids or pursue a combination of the two deserve respect and consideration. I dont understand why liberals have a problem with this. Thank you.
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