Oh mummy, mummy...

Becoming part of a spouse’s family is a difficult transition for everyone no matter how nice they are.

Becoming part of a spouse’s family is a difficult transition for everyone. They have their own set of rules, traditions, habits and a way of doing things that may be different from your own, and no matter how nice they are it is always a little stressful.

Even if one may have known their in-laws for years, the day after the wedding one of the most anxiety-inducing issues is how to address your in-laws. Is one supposed to call them Ammi and Abu or stick to the less personal aunty and uncle?

While cynics would say that your in-laws can never replace your actual parents and hence shouldn’t be addressed as such, others believe that there is a lot of pressure to address them as ammi, abbu or mama and baba.

Unfortunately there’s no one answer but it seems honesty is the best policy.

“I think the mother-in-law should instigate the matter. If she wants me to call her ammi or aunty or whatever then she should tell me. I can’t start calling her ammi without her asking me, I’ll be imposing myself on her and what if she doesn’t want another child in her life or feels I’m pushing myself into her family?” says 24-year-old Maheen Salman who has been married two years.

Tanya Khan said, “My in-laws wanted me to call them ammi and abbu but I told them that I couldn’t just start calling them that because it didn’t feel right. Now I’ve been married for five years and it still hasn’t happened so I’ve essentially told them that I don’t think it will ever happen. They just have to make their peace with that.”

However, it’s nice to be thoughtful and put the other person before you as well. Mariam Taher’s son recently got married, “I would like my daughter-in-law to call me ammi and my husband would like to be called abbu but we don’t want to put any pressure on her. When she feels she can then she’ll start on her own.”

Similarly, Zahra Hashmi says, “I know my in-laws want me to call them something more personal than ‘aunty’ and my parents want the same from my husband. We’re both making a conscious effort but it takes time to establish that relationship and it will happen on its own.”

Sometimes, it seems neither aunty nor mother will do. Both Salman and Hashmi say that they do not like the word ‘aunty’ for their mother-in-law. “It’s so impersonal and I call so many people aunty, how does it differentiate my mother-in-law from anyone else?” says Salman. “I don’t agree with using aunty but there’s no middle word that I can use currently,” stated Hashmi.

Despite the pressure to instantly switch to addressing someone as ‘ammi’, many mothers do not like it when their daughters call anyone else by the same name used for them for so many years. “My daughter’s mother-in-law asked her to call her mama and I refused, she calls me that so she can call her mother-in-law by any other name but that. Ammi or mummy is fine but I am her mama,” says Saadia Waqas, whose daughter has been married for three years.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 29^th, 2010.