The world is out to get us — really

I don't think there is anything our nation loves more than a good conspiracy theory. Conspiracy theorising has surpassed its status as a drawing room hobby and become a national obsession of sorts. For every misfortune that falls on our country, there is a scapegoat at hand, and we all love a scapegoat.

One of my favourite theories is that the Indus flooded because India made it happen. Bund breaches and badly-built dams aside, the idea that the people of India were doing some kind of incredible rain-dance imploring us to have exceptionally heavy monsoons is brilliant. Clearly, the ability of our friends across the border to make it rain at will has not helped them irrigate their own land or feed their own people, but it's just so typical of Hindus to be interested in nothing but our downfall. What's more, they are able to infiltrate the ranks of our hard-working NGOs and play a sneaky double-game in which they offer $25 million in aid while conspiring to kill flood survivors.

It's not just the Indians who are out to get us, though. The Israelis want us all dead too, but I suppose that goes without saying. As a Muslim nation we are the Palestinians' greatest resource in the Intifada and what the Israelis really want is to eliminate our support for Hamas. That's why they decided to go for the jugular and defame our cricket team. Cricket equals happiness equals good national morale equals sense of brotherhood equals concern for our Palestinian brothers equals nuclear ally for Hamas. Trust the Jews, who have done nothing but persecute us since time immemorial, to engineer false allegations against our national heroes through the media that they obviously control. Because remember: every powerful media company is owned by Jews, and every Jew is an Israeli, and every Israeli is a Zionist, and all Zionists want Pakistan to suffer (That's a page out of Zaid Hamid's book if you lack the patience to sit through one of his lectures).

Then, of course, there was America to blame for everything. Unfortunately, we are one conspiracy theory down because their role in our misery is not only obvious and therefore uninteresting; they've already acknowledged it publicly and are giving tons of aid in guilt-money. However, we need to remember that aid is never just aid. How do we know it's not being filtered to the CIA employees stationed in Pakistan whose job – obviously – is to convince all of us of the existence of al Qaeda? The money we have received for flood aid is not going to be siphoned off by corrupt politicians – it will go into the bank accounts of the Americans who will use it to hire Osama bin Laden lookalikes to make fake videos about how he is hiding in Pakistan.

Understanding and accepting this world view is vitally important for adding spice and is after all much better than the alternative: discussions in which we would otherwise have to engage in the dull task of introspection and see if we have done anything wrong ourselves. I strongly suggest that if you don't already know these theories and at least a few more inside out, you should get with the programme. Remember: while you fool yourself with your feel-good, lets-change-ourselves-and-be-a-better-nation ideas, the world is trying to blow us all up.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 17^th, 2010.