For this well-off Pakistani family, it was a soul shattering nightmare that cast its dark shadow on the household for years to come.
Two vulnerable siblings, Sana (Age 6) and Saqib (Age 8), were left at home in the care of family servant Ghulam, while their parents travelled abroad. Like countless servants employed by families across Pakistan, Ghulam was a domestic helper who had earned the trust of his employers through his long history of service.
This trust was tragically misplaced. Left unsupervised to care for Sana and Saqib, Ghulam took the two innocent children to his room and tied Saqib to a chair. With the protesting boy safely bound, Ghulam proceeded to molest Sana, a child barely of school going age.
This story is not from some far-flung area, but from the heart of urban Pakistan. “If I narrated all the cases in Karachi alone to you, we would be here talking for many days. The cases are countless, and involve ‘normal’ families,” says Saadia Parvez, an American educated psychotherapist who has specialised in trauma, and is currently counselling at a renowned school in Pakistan. Saadia also happens to be one of the only two qualified art therapists in the nation. She thus interacts regularly with young adults, and frequently encounters cases of sexual abuse. She also runs workshops in Pakistan which educate young people about child sexual abuse.
“It is traumatic to work on such cases,” admits Saadia, herself a mother of young children. Her work with victims of sexual abuse has resulted in her being highly protective of her own offspring, and she believes that Pakistani parents aren’t quite aware of how vulnerable their children are. According to Saadia, these horrific acts happen with a frightening regularity in every major city in Pakistan, and she estimates that 80% of the victims are abused by someone familiar to the family, while 60% of the abuse comes at the hands of household servants. Child abuse, she says, is very much on the rise in Pakistan.
Who is to blame?
Numerous reports published by the United Nations confirm her belief. These reports state that child sex-abuse, a widespread problem in Pakistan, is on the rise at an alarming rate because it has been left largely unchecked due to its ‘sensitive’ nature. The reports state that the issue is especially problematic in the NWFP region, where the surveyed victims did not even realise that sexual abuse was a crime.
“The children take the blame,” Saadia says, while referring to an American case study where, out of a hundred sexually abused boys who were surveyed, 80 felt that they were the ones to blame. “When I asked one abused boy why he blamed himself, he simply said, ‘It is because bad things happen to bad people. So I must have been the one who was bad.’”
Saadia explains that children naturally place their parents on a pedestal, and look up to them as guardians, “To admit a parent has failed [to protect them] destroys the world of a child.”
While a child who was a victim of sexual abuse had no actual control over the assault, some psychologists say survivors sometimes blames themselves because, by taking blame, they subconsciously feels less powerless and more in control. Through this illusion, the survivor can maintain a belief that they can protect themselves from potential future attacks and not have to relive the horror. This, of course, is a false manner of thinking, which only burdens a victim with more guilt.
Often, the children are simply too young to realise they are being wronged. Their own bodies may betray them into regarding the unusual sensations as pleasurable, and if the molester was manipulative but not forceful or violent, they may grow up thinking they ‘consented’ to their own abuse.
A Vicious Cycle
The inability to process trauma is also why some victims of sex abuse later become sex offenders themselves. “When a child is being sexually abused, the body feels sensations, which on some level are natural. This creates a conflict with the repulsion the mind feels, and left unresolved, can have victims grow up with a weird understanding of sexuality. Often, when a paedophile who had been sexually abused himself is abusing a victim, they are on a subconscious level trying to recreate the tragedy that happened to them, to help make sense of their own childhood trauma. On some level, their mind is asking them yaar, yeh mujhay kya hua hai? (What was it that happened to me?).”
Understanding the Aftermath
Reactions to abuse vary. “Eating disorders are a normal reaction. It is the mind’s subconscious effort to draw attention away from the body, making it less noticeable. I remember one victim who would deliberately wear ‘abnormally loose clothing’, and avoid wearing revealing garments such as shorts,” says Saadia. Bed wetting is a common reaction. This could be a cry for help, where the victim feels disconnected from the violated part of the body without even realising it. In some cases, the child may start thumb sucking, complain of chronic stomach pains, or become self-abusive.
Seven year old Huma was being molested by a family member who would only stop by at her house to assault her. In the afternoons, the visiting family member would urge Huma’s mother, his sister-in-law, to take a nap, telling her that he would look after her daughter for her. Then, he would take Huma to a secluded room where he would fondle and touch her inappropriately.
But when Huma complained to her mother, she was told that she was making up the whole thing, and that it was probably inspired by something she saw on TV. Cleverly, Huma told her mother to only pretend she was napping next time so that she could catch her attacker in the act, which Huma’s mother did. After screaming at the predatory family member and pushing him out of the house for good, Huma’s mother turned to her daughter and quietly asked her to forget that anything untoward had ever happened, and to especially not mention anything to her father.
In a traditional society, a mother’s fear that if her daughters’ reputation is ruined, she won’t get a good rishta (proposal) in the future may force her to silence the daughter.
Saadia also mentioned a case about a father, who caught a servant molesting his son. After dealing with the sex offender, the father took his boy out for ice-cream, and told him “Beta, is baat ko phir yaad nahee kerna! (Son, don’t mention this incident ever again.)”
Culturally, the issue of shame comes up whenever the subject of sex is raised. Many parents refuse to send their children to her school workshops, where children are taught how to protect their body spaces.
Casualties of a changing lifestyle?
Changing economic dynamics mean that most families in Pakistan have both spouses working. To ensure that children are not thus placed in a hostile environment, Saadia recommends that “perhaps the best option is to find a good day care centre. Personally, I think it is absolutely vital for a mother to raise her own child during the formative years, which is till the age of four. Unfortunately, in today’s Pakistani society, we have a lot of ‘luxury moms’.”
Explaining the concept of ‘luxury moms’, she says these are those mothers who are only concerned with their children when it comes to showing them off, and aren’t emotionally available to meet their needs. The problem is compounded by fathers who aren’t emotionally available for their spouses in turn, and are verbally abusive, thus creating a negative environment.
This family dysfunction creates a dynamic where children aren’t comfortable talking to their parents about problems such as sexual abuse, especially when highly volatile parents throw fits of hysteria with little provocation. Amazingly, many sexually abused children keep secrets from their parents because they find them to be overly fragile, “It is a case of role reversal, where the parent is the child, and the child is the parent, with the child trying to protect the emotional needs of the parent instead of the other way around,” says Saadia.
Her experience shows that families where members of the household share at least one family meal every day are 60% less likely to have children who will suffer from some form of prolonged abuse. A strong family structure creates the right space to give children the confidence to communicate with their parents openly.
Definite advantages of the at times trying joint family system have been seen in this regard. Grandparents can be both strong foundations of the family unit as well as protective elders, watching out for the children in the family.
A significant percentage of sexual abuse victims in Pakistan suffer at the hands of family members, so a strong family involvement can be a bit of double edged sword. As in all such situations, it is clear that balance is absolutely vital.
Ultimately, it’s the parents’ role that is crucial. It is important for children to grow in a positive and loving home environment, where parents are approachable for their kids to express their concerns without feeling judged. This openness in communication can not only help vigilant parents protect their children from potential sex predators, but also lend victims of sex abuse the strength to heal.
*names have been changed to protect identities
Counseling services and drop-in centers:
Alleviate Addiction Suffering Trust (AAS), Karachi
Jeet Healing Centre, Sahil, Islamabad
(+92-51) 2260636, 2856950
Konpal Child Abuse Prevention Society, Karachi
(+92-21) 5685824, 5219902, 111-911-922
Protection and Help of Children Against Abuse and Neglect (Pahchaan), Lahore
War Against Rape (WAR), Karachi
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, January 6th, 2013.
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My father raped me when I was 13 setting off five years of physical, sexual, mental and emotional abuse until I ran away from home when I was 18. I spent the next 27 years going from one abuser to another. In my mid forties, while living with my third abuser, suicidal, and living part time in a women's shelter, I entered a recovery program of my own making. Half way through recovery I found out that my 2nd husband had sexually abused my two older daughters. My youngest daughter had been raped at gunpoint when she was 17. This shows that children of an untreated child sexual abuse victim stand a five times greater chance of being abused themselves. It took five years for me to complete recovery, but I emerged the happiest person I knew, with my abuser finally gone. Today I am the author of five books on recovering from child sexual abuse, the REPAIR series and the Founder of The Lamplighter Movement, an international movement for recovery from incest and child sexual abuse. We currently have 93 chapters in thirteen countries, one of them in Islamabad, Pakistan. Our website is at http://www.thelamplighters.org. I am trying to get people to start Lamplighter Movement Chapters where they live. We desperately need safe places for people to go to share their stories and to know that they are not alone. If you could publish this in
Education is at the heart of all world problems. And from education stems awareness. Encouraging the Pakistani world, adults and children, to learn more might save us from this seeming epidemic.the fact of the matter is that our world is changing at an incredible rate, racing vehicles to the vast cyberspace. We are in full throttle headed for unknown consequences with all this technology. And again, I find that to educate is the only solution. If we know more about what our world is becoming we can better gauge how we need to adapt. But that's besides the point and I said the last two sentences in the hopes that people who are too ignorant to be educated are made aware of the illusory correlation between media exposure and sexual abuse. As someone mentioned above, sexual abuse has been happening for a very long time. Our technology which you blame for rapes and molestation has been around for less than half a century. The numbers don't add up there. I put all my bets up with education because it is the primal stage before everything. Learning, psychologically defined, is a relatively permanent change in behavior. In conclusion, I do not blame the rapists. The murderers or anyone else. I blame us, not me individually but US the society, the culture. All of you out there who are ready to hang and burn people at the stake, what makes you any better by thinking such a barbaric thought? Have you not committed a crime on some level? Learn. Learn. And THEN teach. Because if I had to place my hand in the fire and say that 75% of you know next to nothing about sexual abuse and it's effects I would do it, because I am that sure. I'm not blaming. Not asking for corporal punishment. Not asking for peace (that is impossible because the search for peace is human nature, not the attainability of it). I'm asking you to stop, research, learn and then speak.
Brutal: The Heartbreaking True Story of a Little Girl's Stolen Innocence by Nabila Sharma Permalink: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0007438494
PLEASE READ AND ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO SPEAK OUT.
Author "Seven year old Huma was being molested by a family member who would only stop by at her house to assault her. In the afternoons, the visiting family member would urge Huma’s mother, his sister-in-law, to take a nap..... Huma’s mother turned to her daughter and quietly asked her to forget that anything untoward had ever happened, and to especially not mention anything to her father."
Is this an acceptable practice for a man to visit his sister-in-law when she is alone and tell her to go to sleep and offer to take care of her daughter in Pakistan?
It appears Huma was molested many times before she decided to tell. Huma appears to be more intelligent then her mother. Her mother did not follow up on complaint. She could not think she could pretend to sleep and see what was going on. Huma’s mother turned to her daughter and quietly asked her to forget that anything untoward had ever happened, and to especially not mention anything to her father.
I am surprised most people don't want molesters, who are related to the victim, to be punished in Pakistan
Author "Saadia also mentioned a case about a father, who caught a servant molesting his son. After dealing with the sex offender, the father took his boy out for ice-cream, and told him “Beta, is baat ko phir yaad nahee kerna! (Son, don’t mention this incident ever again.)”
What should have father done in this case?
Child sexual abuse is a very complex problem, so we really need to teach our children how they can avoid these circumstances. Even the adults we trust to protect our children can't always be trusted. I am a mother and I am afraid that on the next day, my daughter will be one of the victim of this horrifying incident. So I thought of looking up for safety application that would do so. Luckily, I have searched and found this cellphone based application that provides safety and protection for my daughter. This application is so much better than any other services I know. A lot of useful features rolled to this application. My daughter and so my whole family will now be alerted when they are near on a danger zones and show its approximate. I have less worries now that I had before because I know that my daughter can alert me whenever she needs help or when she's in danger by only pressing the panic button on her phone. And if really needed, the call will also be routed to the nearest 911 station with the complete information of whom presses the panic button. It's all worth it! Parents should also try this cool application. Check it here: http://safekidzone.com/
It is quite difficult to understand whom we may trust and whom not. The social affairs in Pakistan have aggravated beyond tolerance. Parents are required to protect their children. Nobody will come to our help. Most importantly, the children should be educated at home and in schools to avoid such incidents. This society is turning into a beast; and there is no check on it, though good & bad coexist here!!!
@Naumann: Don’t believe me, compare the Saudi, UAE rape stats, with any other country in the world.
Here is your Saudi Stat One Saudi teacher raped 19 girls.........How can a teacher rape 19 girls? No reported him.
@Musa: And abusing a child sexually is not something that is a human tendency and a grown man raping a grown woman (or ANY woman) is NOT a human tendency that happens if men and women are not separated.
@Musa: No disrespect but separating males and females from a young age causes a plethora of other problems and doesn't do anything to curb sexual abuse. Separating boys from girls starts a lifetime of boys thinking girls are something sexual (and not much else) and shame shame and that's why they need to be separated. Otherwise why would sexual abuse of a child be sooo prevalent in Muslim dominated countries where there is a bit of segregation? Unfortunately, there are sick minds everywhere and while they can never be eradicated, there are factors that add to this equation and I've never seen anything positive come from separating the genders. Healthy interaction of the two genders needs to be learned and followed in life.
@Naumann: What does either one have to do with the other? Contrary to what some believe, porn is not the culprit behind child sexual abuse. You really think if porn magically vanished from the planet or people pretended as if it didn't exist all sexual abuse and rape would vanish with it? Highly unlikely. A sick mind is a sick mind. Period. Veena and her bubbles didn't make him do it.
Dear Readers, Please be careful of the "Tutors" coming home to teach your kids. Its a general misconception that only the "Maulvi" is the Sex Deprived Pervert. These so called Teachers and Tutors are a parasite and it would be great if someone can write a piece on this issue also and create the much needed awareness, .
Necessary subject and an interesting read.
Only & only PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE when they fail to understand the merit and depth of parenting.
Everyone needs to understand the meaning of becoming a parent and its related responsibilities.
Human nature is the same everywhere.
In places like Pakistan its illiteracy and suffocating religious interpretations which have generated frustrated individuals. And sex crimes are always un-traceable sins.
Prevention is the best cure....
I wonder why didn't they leave the children under the care of family members (assuming that leaving children alone was absolutely necessary) instead of a domestic helper? Now I know that relatives aren't a guaranteed safe bet either, but at least when you're in a family - there's bound to be someone (usually a female member of the household) who thinks wrongly of such behavior and there's naturally a bit more caution, and at least in urban areas like Karachi such incidents are relatively less likely to happen among family members. It's all too common that domestic servants abuse their trust.
In Pakistan, the problem is enormous. Parents shall under no circumstances, leave a child (boy or girl) with any male, be it a servant, religious leader, or even a male family member. Everyone knows about it, but we are just keeping our eyes closed.
Do not trust ANYONE on this issue ... take care of your kids
This is a common problem in Pakistan. My two friends were molested in childhood and i was about to be by Tableeghi Jamaat members unfortunately when i was a child. So it is a widespread problem and from ordinary households to Religious Madressahs no place is safe for children in my view now a days.
This servant guy should be punished miserably!
Unless there is a curb on media, internet, TV, printing press, & CD/DVD shops, selling & publishing porn, soft porn, hard core porn...etc of any kind, these violations will continue.
Start hanging the culprits to death, teach by example, and watch the difference take place in society. Don't believe me, compare the Saudi, UAE rape stats, with any other country in the world.
And for the editor in this newspaper ET, shame on you for publishing soft porn articles related to Mathira, Veena, & sunny leone. You have double standards, because here you condemn Pakistan's abuse, and publish porn star pics. You have the courage, don't moderate & censor my comment, as I didn't violate any of your rules. I am showing the world your double standards.
"Ultimately, it’s the parents’ role that is crucial. It is important for children to grow in a positive and loving home environment, where parents are approachable for their kids to express their concerns without feeling judged. This openness in communication can not only help vigilant parents protect their children from potential sex predators, but also lend victims of sex abuse the strength to heal." Madam Saadia Pervez please arrange more workshops for parents. May Allah help you in your sincere efforts and we get rid of this taboo.