In late October 2005, I met a person who was clearly a reader only of Urdu newspapers. He was retiring the following year, since he was then 59, a supposedly mature age. After the preliminaries, he cast a suspicious look around his sitting room, leaned over and very conspiratorially with a sly smile on his face asked, “So, what do you think of the earthquake?” I promise you, for a second I thought this was a sadistic madman who took sick pleasure in the misery of others.
I said it was very bad business; tens of thousands of innocent lives lost and we were set back 20 years. No, no, said he. The hand the Americans had in it. What did I think of that? Completely floored, I asked what on earth had the Americans to do with it. I can still recall the condescending sneer that contorted the man’s face.
Very patronisingly he said he was sorry he had taken me to be a man of sense. And then, he enlightened me: the Americans had discovered OBL somewhere in Kashmir and they wanted to bomb him to kingdom come. But in order to be certain that they got his ass, they had this humongous bomb that could shake the earth to its very core. Now, since India is contiguous with Pakistan and also happens to be part of the evil nexus, the US let them in on the plan.
No way, said the Indians. They did not want any damage in their part of Kashmir. So the Americans fine-tuned their bomb to make it unidirectional. The result was that the damage extended in a line from the southeast to the northwest. And to be fair to that idiot storyteller, Indian Kashmir was spared virtually by inches. The man said, he had read it in all the papers and for proof pulled out a number of clippings of Urdu news items and columns endorsing his belief. He said, he was surprised I did not even read the papers.
Back in 1987, when personal computers were still a novelty in Pakistan, I heard the following gem. But unlike the government officer in 2005 of the American earthquake bomb, the teller of this gem was illiterate. It was in a barber’s shop in Gujranwala where this man was being read the morning paper by a friend of his. An item about computers triggered this story from the old gent.
The doctor in his mohalla has recently installed a “cum-pooter” in his clinic and it tells you everything about the patient. This includes the sickness or the cause of murder of one’s grandfather and the illnesses that one’s great-grandchildren will have in the year 2099. All one had to do was spit on a piece paper and let the doctor stuff it into the computer: thook la kay under kar deyo, is what he said. And out came a long list of everything one wanted to know about oneself.
Then one day, the doctor’s computer began showing only zeros: zero he zero dakhai javay. For emphasis, the old gent repeated this phrase thrice. The good doctor immediately sensed something was terribly amiss. So he went to his patient’s home and, lo and behold, a funeral was ready and waiting to depart for the graveyard. The computer, the Lord be praised, knew the man was no more and had alerted the doctor by displaying zeros.
Now those were blessed pre-news channel days and such things escaped common knowledge. The earthquake-and-flood wreaking experiment in Alaska has so far evaded our famous anchorpersons only because it is too much science for this semi-educated class of self-important persons. With Dr Hoodbhoy’s article, the cat is out of the bag. Watch the news channels go viral on this little known experiment.
As for the omniscient computer, it was newsworthy in those dark ages. Now it is far too dated.
Published in The Express Tribune, June 2nd, 2012.
COMMENTS (23)
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@elementary:
Do you really think readers and writers of Urdu news papers are this ignorant.I find it very hard to believe this.
Believe it. In a Jalsa attended by hundreds of thousands, the DPC quaidat thundered about teaching India a lesson for having stolen Pakistani waters. Any informed gathering would have been aware that as per the Pakistan Indus Water Commission India has so far not withheld even a drop of waters that Pakistan is entitled too under the IWT. Ask any reader of the Urdu press about theft of water, your question will get answered.
U said it, I have seen so many english speakers who dont even make any sense at all. @Observer, They imported from other side of the border.
@Nazia Imran " Being educated doeas not mean to be able to read or write only, it means: a demonstrated ability to listen carefully, to think critically, to evaluate facts rigorously, to reason analytically....".
Superb! You have articulated the real meaning of "Education" very well. The education is not just about passing exams either. Thanks.
@Ali Tanoli
A. Do u think that Urdu readers are that dums man
B. making us the native peoples fools last six decades.
Make up your mind buddy, Are you 'dums' or are you 'fools'.
The suspense is killing me.
@Ayasha Khan, After all Urdu news papers owners are from Dehli migrated ???? making us the native peoples fools last six decades.
@ayesha_khan: I agree.
That earthquake in Kashmir which caused most damage on Pakistan side and spared Indian side was one of the biggest miracles in recent history and we all had chance to see it in our lifetime, unlike the mythical stories of so called miracles people generally believe. the message from god was very clear and everyone would have secretly noticed it in their hearts. but I cannot write it here because my comment will get moderated.
excellant article.
@elementary: Do you really think readers and writers of Urdu news papers are this ignorant.I find it very hard to believe this. @Ali tanoli Do u think that Urdu readers are that dums man
Yes.
@elementary: "Seriously,such chauvinism. Do you really think readers and writers of Urdu news papers are this ignorant.I find it very hard to believe this."
Many writers in Urdu papers do publish deliberate lies and conspiracy theories. This may not be because they are dumb but maybe because they have an agenda to inflame passions against US/India etc.
As for the readers, if they are readers whose only source of information is those Urdu newspapers who publish such conspiracy theories, then one may call them gullible at best - not stupid for believing what they do.
As much as people here are bashing you coz they think you have implied that paki people or those that read urdu papers are ignorant and/or illiterate, I have to agree with you. My 39 year old mature educated friend happens to believe that US triggered triggered earthquakes and floods in Pakistan. Being educated doeas not mean to be able to read or write only, it means: a demonstrated ability to listen carefully, to think critically, to evaluate facts rigorously, to reason analytically, to imagine creatively, to articulate interesting questions, to explore alternative viewpoints, to maintain intellectual curiosity and to speak and write persuasively. If we add to that a reasonable familiarity with the treasures of history, literature, theater, music, dance and art that previous civilizations have delivered, we are getting to close to the meaning of educated.
On one hand our belief is that life and death is only in the hands of God, on the other America is responsible for all the death and destruction! From the floods to the earthquakes it is not God but the US who is responsible for everything.
These nuts should be told that if US could plan and execute an earthquake whenever and wherever they please, they wouldn't have to send their troops in thousands to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Sir, you are hanging-with the wrong crowd. Learn from the popular culture but please keep a distance. They will make your life more complicated than you may think.
first tazeen's article and now this one..apparently urdu newspapers and their readers are the new targets in town. superiority complex much?
If only such fantastic creative abilities were used correctly - your country would put all the screen writers in Hollywood and Bollywood out of work, not to mention the Nobel for Literature, Booker and other literary prizes would go to your countrymen/women. On a more serious note, behind every tragedy - natural and/or man-made, you hold others responsible (the endless list of usual suspects) and focus on the irrelevant, while the real issues get ignored. The situation is similar to that of a drug addict who believes his hallicinations to be the reality, and the outcome is usually not in favour of the addict! S it is about time the populace snaps out their virtual reality and faces the real reality.
you are all over the place, what is the point of the article? Is it that there is illiteracy in our country and people will believe in anything? If so, you dont need to tell us that, we have come across these people ourselves. For e.g. I once knew a person who talked about how the water these days has no 'jaan' in it because they take it all out when they use the water for electricity generation. We need to educate these people, not look down upon the 'ridiculous' statements they make since they dont know any better. Write about something with a point and worthwhile!
Seriously,such chauvinism. Do you really think readers and writers of Urdu news papers are this ignorant.I find it very hard to believe this.
@Ali: And pray, sir, what was nonsensical about this article?
Non sence article...
media for its proper freedom is only 10 years old. They will always behave like a 10 years old. I am never surprised on what the anchor person says or what kind of "NEWS" are being aired..