In your face: Pakistan’s next big Oscar hope

Group of dedicated, patriotic filmmakers hastily produced and submitted a fresh entry to the Academy Awards committee.

The year is 2013. In the light of last year’s uproarious complaints that Pakistan’s sole Oscar-bagger only portrayed a very negative image of the country, a group of dedicated and patriotic filmmakers have hastily produced and submitted a fresh entry to the Academy Awards committee. Aptly titled In Your Face: Peace and Prosperity in Pakistan, the movie — a Lala Khushi Bakhsh production, in collaboration with Dr Heaven Lover Awan Films and Federal University of Cinematic Knowledge — proudly showcases the numerous positives that flood the country.  Its creators are very excited about its Oscar prospects and consider it a fitting response to last year’s horrible, self-loathing, West-appeasing, Zionist-funded Pak-basher. Here’s an exclusive clip, enjoy:

Bright sunlight filters through a lightly curtained window, filling a well-decorated, stately room with a heavenly glow and radiating off the wholesome, pink-cheeked faces of its occupants, a married couple, apparently enjoying a sumptuous breakfast. The husband holds a newspaper in hand, beaming at the news at offer, baring pearly white teeth in glee.

Husband: Begum, it says that from now on we’ll be celebrating 12 Earth Hours every day!

Wife: Really?

Husband: Yes, we’re the most environmentally-friendly nation in the world. The pollution levels in Lahore, for example, are much lower than the combined totals of Mumbai, Jakarta, Manila and Lagos.

Wife: That’s so wonderful!

Husband: Sure is! And did you hear? Fuel prices are down!

Wife (Face all aglow): Amazing! Again?

Husband: Yup! It costs less to buy 1 litre of petrol now than buying 10 litres just a week ago!

Wife (Leaps up in joy): Oh honey, that’s great news!

Husband: That’s not all dear; it says our infant mortality rate has gone down drastically!

Wife: Tell me, tell me!

Husband: A survey of 28 five-year-olds shows that not a single one of them had died as a baby!

Wife: Remarkable, a magnificent positive achievement!

Husband: Honey, it’s not the only one. I heard on TV our female literacy rate has shot up, too.

Wife: No! You don’t say!

Husband: It’s true. A survey of female parliamentarians/politicians shows that their literacy currently stands at 63.2%, up from 58.7% last year.

Wife (Applauds excitedly): We’re proud of our female leaders!

Husband: We sure are! You know a Hollywood crew is making a documentary about one of them? It’s regarding women empowerment.

Wife: Really, dear?

Husband: Yup. It’s called Slapping Face: One Woman’s Fight Against Electoral Injustice.

Wife: Well, it’s about time the world recognised how powerful our women are. What else does the paper say, love?

Husband: Impressed by our bounding female literacy rate, the Taliban have declared they won’t be bombing girls schools anymore. For another four weeks.

Wife: One whole month! That’s wonderful!

Husband: Yes, I feel so proud being a Pakistani! (Unshed tears of joy and patriotic fervour glitter in his eyes) Oh, and a bit of personal good news, darling. My boss is giving me a big pay raise.

Wife (Jumps up in orgasmic ecstasy): “What!?”

Husband: Our company’s sales are booming, up 88%. It seems everyone’s buying our top-notch trinitrotoluene powder and ball-bearings. Boss says that as marketing director, I deserve the raise.

Wife (Twirls in unbounded joy): Oh, I’m so happy!

Husband: And you know, many businesses are booming, thanks to the government’s positive policies. I heard sales of loudspeakers, turbans, hazaarbands and small-bore guns are sharply up.

Wife (Beaming and misty-eyed): There are so, so many positives in this country…

Husband: …that you could just die!

They do a merry little jig and fall in a tight, joyous, positive embrace (only in uncut DVD version).

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, April 15^th, 2012.