2012: The impending apocalypse

VeEna-1, lawn revenge, melodic Dajjal - a list of doomsday scenarios we may encounter in the days to come.

ISLAMABAD:

While we’ve approached the first week of the New Year relatively unscathed, the bell still tolls for us as the supposed end of the world is just around the corner. Americans know all about it — Hollywood has been inundating us with countless films like Contagion depicting the inevitable end. It seems as if the US Department of State is using the medium of films to subliminally prepare audiences for the worst.

For everyone’s best interests, The Express Tribune compiled a list of all apocalyptic scenarios that may take place in the future.

VeEna-1 and MuFti-2 epidemic

In the aftermath of the Kolaveri Di virus, the Indians could invent a killer disease named VeEna-1 and release it into our water supply. Initially, the disease will only affect the female populace with mild symptoms. Victims will be prone to partial or full nudity and scandal. Eventually, the virus mutates into a new airborne strain MuFti-2 and attacks Pakistani men — resulting in alarming beard-growth and severe bigotry.

The sexes, unable to peacefully co-exist, will cannibalise one another.

The lawn revenge

After being used and abused, the tired lawn fabric will evolve small microbes that attach to the latest spring/summer collections and will target aunties over the age of 40. The younger lot will contract a fever that leaves them with a permanent distaste for lawn prints; they will be forced to opt for cotton in the summer only.

Hardcore lawn enthusiasts infected by the microbes will lose their mental faculties; their skin will break out into Mausummery prints and Mughal-inspired motifs. The infected will roam the streets looking like walking, talking lawn catalogues.

Melodic Dajjal

In 2012, Dajjal will make his presence known in the music industry pop. He will corrupt the music of Atif Aslam, Bilal Khan, Arif Lohar Sanam Marvi, Zeb and Haniya with cleverly disguised satanic messages which will cause spiritual malaise, angst and corruption over radio waves and on “Coke Studio”.

Yajooj Majooj craving coffee?

After an eternity of chaffing, dwelling in uncomfortably close quarters and licking salty walls, the fearsome Yajooj Majooj will enter from Khewra Salt Mines with a serious sweet-tooth. They will overcrowd Gloria Jeans, Espresso and Cinnabon, wreaking havoc, destruction and devour everything in sight.

Low sugar levels and a lack of places to socialise will result in a nation-wide depression and create a breeding ground for dissent, suicides, intense anger and the decay of civilisation.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 9^th, 2012.