Cult of people-pleasing

In a world dominated by show-offy appearances, social recognition and tangible benchmarks of success, a surreptitious epidemic grows unabated: the cult of people-pleasing. Its undertow is subtle yet pervasive, transcripted in our upbringing, cultural norms and social interactions. Its playfields are workplaces, families, friendships and even our own selves.

People-pleasing, by its definition, is the compulsive need to meet others' expectations at the expense of one's own well-being – a behaviour which, while often overlooked, has ineluctable psychological, social and even economic consequences. To top it all, it drains one's mental resources needed to achieve goals.

People-pleasing, however, involves sacrificing one's needs, values or identity to avoid conflict and maintain harmony. Its fountainhead is fear - fear of rejection, disapproval or being labelled as selfish. This behaviour is ossified through rewards: approval, praise and transient peace.

Psychologically, people-pleasers are often victims of low self-esteem and an external locus of control, where their sense of worth is weighed by how others gauge them. They may overexpect of themselves, take on burdens that aren't theirs and struggle to demarcate boundaries. While these behaviours might assume altruistic facade, they often hide deeper insecurities and failure to advocate for oneself.

People-pleasing tendencies are mostly entrenched in childhood. Children who are cultured in a Victorian milieu – where love is requitted only on good grades, perfect behaviour or fulfilment of parental expectations – learn to pander to others' appeasement. Over time, it is hardwired in them that their worth is adjudged on their socialisation.

Culture also plays a contributing role. In collectivist societies, for example, conformity and self-sacrifice are often eulogised over individualism. While these values are the hallmark of community life, they can also force individuals, particularly women, to forgo their needs for group harmony.

People-pleasing is rooted in Marxism, which emphasises the importance of economic factors in shaping human actions and behaviour. The majority of people pleasers belong to the proletarian classes. The bourgeoisie have latitude to say 'no' to trespasses into and violations of personal boundaries. Having no money to wield influence on people within their social biome, the hand-to-mouth earners strive for being overly nurturant towards people to gain social valence as in a country like Pakistan sociotropy makes the mare go for the common people.

At workplaces, people-pleasing acts as a camouflage to hide the jealousy against superior colleagues. Going out of the way to curry favour with the highups triggers imbalanced workloads and dents team dynamics. As people-pleasers often falter in offering dissenting opinions, their career growth stagnates and they become illegible for any leadership role.

People-pleasers happen to be daydreamers. They spend a major chunk of their time dreaming of saying or doing what they couldn't in real life (Walter Mitty Syndrome). Often, they indulge themselves in spinning long tails of unborn chivalry. These "wartime" tales rooted in the moments of flight are minted more frequently in old age.

To shake off people-pleasing is not easy. It necessitates unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs, defying fears and adopting new habits. Nonetheless, the rewards - authenticity, self-respect and wholesome relationships - are worth the effort.

The courage to say no where it's imperative is the best antidote for people-pleasing. The all-time-saying-yes attitude is the killer of difference of opinion. One's stamina to persist against groupthink and stick hard and long to one's stance is the real test of the character. Not saying what one believes in where it is required causes cognitive dissonance and ideological dishonesty.

Relational boundaries must be chalked out to ward off any intrusion pushing us into people-pleasing. Though we may sound unamenable, asserting limits pays off in the long run. The entire endeavour of being a good person presupposes that we lack the goodness we seek, rendering moral striving an excruciating act of self-loathing.