Out of depth, Sir!

Sir! I have come to discuss some major general issues about our all-powerful institution. I have given a statement to the press that we can shoot down American drones anytime the civilian government gives us the order. I have also ordered the civilian government never to issue us that order.

I knew that would please you Sir. We need to immediately announce some kind of initiative to do some damage control to ensure we remain the most popular institution in the country with ordinary people. No Sir, building another golf course will not do the job.

Yes Sir, I agree that Mohammed Hanif is making trouble again. We cleverly said, “We are good, but not God,” and he turned it around by saying “We are gods, but not good”. Yes Sir, he has typical Hindu thinking. Very pantheist-type traitor. No Sir, a pantheist is not an Olympic sport.

To scare him we will send him a crate of mangoes. No Sir, I am afraid we can’t write a note that he will ‘sleep with the fishes’. After the events this month, only the Americans can credibly say that. We can only credibly say we sleep with indignity.

Sir, may I suggest that we concentrate on the youth of this country? They are the future and form the core of our support base. This is why we must concentrate with surgical precision on breakfast, the most important meal of the day. After our line of corn flakes, I suggest we also manufacture digestives because institutionally, with all this attention, I think we all feel a little constipated.

Also, I think, key strategies for the future should include more investment in strategic infrastructure so our traditional enemy across the border is defeated. Yes Sir, Emax construction will rue the day they thought they could make better townships than us.

We might have to announce some important resignations to show the world we are serious about terrorism and our recent lapse. Yes I agree, Sepoy Barkat should take the fall. I know he is from your village and is a good malishi, but some serious sacrifices must be made. This will show that we are not involved. Yes Sir, I sent Mother’s Day cards to both Mullah Omar and Ayman alZawahiri.

Yes Sir, we are trying to influence the media by having met with 20 top journalists recently. It is our democratic duty to keep them informed because we have nothing to hide, so in the interest of openness we held a secret briefing.

I also think this Haqqani group may prove to be dangerous to us. No Sir, not best friend ‘Jimmy-Jalal’, I mean Hussain Haqqani and company. I suspect they are spreading blasphemous materials and ideas, like we should be responsible to the people and their representatives. Yes Sir, I agree, they do this because they have no real knowledge of history. They probably think we also lost the 1971 war.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 11^th, 2011.