Bananas, republics and Mrs Gupta

The presence of our brethren has symbolic and literal side effects. A couple of thousand men have choked commuters between the twin cities for weeks. They sleep on the road, indulge in hate speech, eat free food (that appears magically at mealtimes) and take unrestricted dumps on the roadside. One would argue that this is not too different from what the rest of us are doing (albeit washrooms are available for a privileged few). Despite shared aims and purpose in life, this routine is directly affecting the ordinary commuter who is spending half the day suspended between Rawalpindi and Islamabad.

Ordinary folk now know full well that a 45-minute journey between the twin cities may take up to three hours (or more). If one wants to reach destination at 8am then one has to leave home at 5am in an unusually cold November. Fuel consumption and subsequent pollution, hours spent away from work (and from home for working mothers), part-time employees, emergencies and similar woes do not seem to bother the brethren. Their mid-air suspension does not seem to bother the government too much either. The Very Important Ones are usually airlifted. High-end travel modes are unavailable to mere mortals who still have to crawl to work and back. This is the logistical side effect of the presence of our brethren.

On the ideological front there are plenty of hate speeches, references to resurrection (though not of Christ) and vivid illustrations of doomsday for those who attempt to alter ‘The Oath’. The Oath has been restored to its original form and the pertinent legal eagle has sworn passionate allegiance to the original template in public. But no matter; brethren are very angry and seek revenge via rolling of heads (literal and symbolic). In the meantime, the prototype oath-taker who swore on the original template is waiting to go to prison. It appears that the original template did not prevent immoral acts despite fitting well into the general contours of ideological belief (moral substance not required). The distance between religion and morality is vast despite logical proximity and comparable to the widening gap between the twin cities, despite logistical proximity. The brethren are firmly parked in between both.

With logistics and ideology explained, strategy warrants limited elaboration. Strategy broadly comprises the ‘what to do’ part by administrators and policymakers. They are responsible for maintaining order in an ordinary day. Children go to school, patients go to hospitals, worker reaches workplace and very important types reach the airport or the accountability court. The question of strategy is closely linked to who is getting affected. Commuters spending two to three hours each way to perform ordinary functions on ordinary days are clearly the only victims. Courts (apex or otherwise) are attempting to unravel conspiracies surrounding Bananas and Republics and restore order. But no mysteries are waiting to be uncovered. ‘Banana Republics’, ‘going bananas’ or ‘one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel’ are facts. These are not conspiracies. Commuters stuck between the twin cities every single day are ordinary folk who do not matter. This is also a fact and not a conspiracy.

How long can the brethren sit in one place in protest is an unanswered question. Conchita Picciotto protested against nuclear proliferation for 32 years outside the White House. She died in 2016 at age 80. How long can strategists ignore the misery of commuters is a rhetorical question. Weeks of passive acceptance and customary muddles are self-explanatory. In addition Facebook and the Whatsapp jihadis are endorsing the brethren’s right to protect the original template. There are loud echoes that the country was created within a fixed template and there is no room for Mrs Gupta or the likes of her. She should move to Canada or face violent consequences.

Rocket scientists are suggesting mass construction of flyovers and underpasses as a method of permanently dodging the brethren when they appear at busy intersections. The strategy of making signal-free roads to hell will amicably resolve all matters, both literal and symbolic. Another prayer doing the rounds is “My dear China, please hurry,” Amen.

Published in The Express Tribune, November 25^th, 2017.

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