Pakistan-India relationship status: It's complicated

We all want a bogeyman to blame all our problems on; India and Pakistan conveniently have each other

Shehzad Ghias March 30, 2017

Desi people make the worst protesters. You are angry at America? Burn down a KFC owned and operated by Pakistanis. Granted KFC is an American colonel but he is not the one we are at war with – America is NOT trying to kill us one blocked artery at a time. There is no electricity because of load-shedding, let’s protest by burning down the transformer so there is no electricity forever.

What kind of logic is that? That's like saying if your foot hurts might as well amputate your entire leg. I dare not think what these men do when they have trouble taking a leak.

The object of much of our displeasure is across the border. Indians and Pakistanis have an easy target in each other. There has been a flood in Pakistan? Nehru must have flirted with Poseidon to make the water overflow. There has been a famine in India? Pakistan must have sent a horde of cows to graze all sacred Indian farmlands in the dead of the night.

We all want a bogeyman to blame all our problems on. India and Pakistan conveniently have each other. Taher Shah was created by RAW as a revenge for ISI creating Himesh Reshammiya. I know there is an Indian intelligence mission to make me have to go to the bathroom multiple times every night. I see your plan BJPee.


We may not have always helped each other, to put it mildly, but Pakistanis and Indians also do not cross the border in secret to turn the shower knobs to scalding hot when you want a cold shower, to untie your shoelaces when you are not looking, to train pigeons to do their business on you when you wear your best suit – we're interested in each other but we're really not that obsessed to constantly think about how to mildly irritate you every single day. Giving guards at Wagah arthritis is as far as we will go.


There is history between the two countries. I get it but that is no reason to try and outdo each other in self-harm in hopes that the other might feel irritated by it. India and Pakistan need to stop acting like a divorced spouse cutting himself and Snapchat-ing the wounds to his ex, just to get some attention. Granted there is no reason to chicken out, but there is no reason to have a cock fight either.

India and Pakistan, you need some couple’s counselling. If you do not care about yourself, think about the children - just because some of the children follow the faith of the father doesn’t mean the mother has to hate them. The sanctity of your country is not challenged by the presence of some individuals who believe in a different God than the one the state prescribes.

India will not be overrun by Mughals by the celebration of Eidul Azha and Pakistan will not be undone by the celebration of Holi. Narendra Modi’s appointment of Hindu hardliner Adityanath does more to hurt India than Pakistan. If anything, we should be putting up banners at the border which read “Pakistan – doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now Indians, does it?”

We should not reciprocate by appointing Zaid Hamid as our chief minister. Although the press conferences would be so much more fun if Zaid Hamid was in charge.


In fact, we should appoint a competent, tolerant person and then show him off on the international stage. Why can’t both countries make each other jealous by being better to the children? Oh you got Adnan Sami a bat last Diwali – I see that, well I just bought him a car for Eid so let’s see which parent he likes more now. This way Adnan Sami can go back to India and say “kabhi toh car dilao, kabhi toh ice cream khilao - hum bhi toh hay tumharay national oh national”.

Punishing Pakistanis for celebrating Holi just because Modi is a bigot is like watching a child being abused by another parent and getting so angered that you start abusing your own children. Granted this is how a lot parents deal with their frustrations in Pakistan – the boss got angry at you today? I’ll just go home and beat my children to feel better.

If anything, we should be celebrating Holi even more – we have a reason to celebrate, we do not have a Prime Minister like Modi or a Chief Minister like Adityanath. We should even throw colours across the border to throw some shade at India – oh you feel everything is dark now that a bigot is in office? Well it is all colourful in Pakistan and look we still have Fawad Khan. Oh Zalima!


This article is a work of satire.


R S Chakravarti | 5 years ago | Reply @Dhanus Menon: Do you think you are helping India with such a comment? Please introspect. Do you really want Muslims to feel bad? How would it help anything?
R S Chakravarti | 5 years ago | Reply India is progressing by its own efforts. Many Pakistanis believe China will lift them to the top through CPEC.
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