Five foolproof ways to get high media ratings

As a media guru, I have cracked the industry and being the Robin Hood I am, I want to share my expertise

Three things will always sell in Pakistan: patriotism, cricket and gola ganda. Anybody who has had gutter-water ice with coloured chemicals and Comelle in a glass needs no explanation as to why the latter sells. Cricket is the lasting legacy of colonialism in Pakistan and just like we will never stop selling fairness creams to make people look more British, we will also never stop watching cricket. There is a reason you now only see four balls an over live and the rest have been devoured by commercials.

We live in a world where ratings are the only thing that matters. Content does not matter. The truth does not matter. Basic human decency does not matter. If an animation of a bomb blowing up makes people watch our channel then it does not matter if a million people actually died in that bomb blast.



As a media guru, I have finally cracked the media industry and in the interest of being the Robin Hood of ratings, I want to share my expertise with the rest of the world. Here are five foolproof ways of getting high ratings in Pakistan.

Patriotism

This is the top selling item in Pakistan; whether you want to profit from August 14-themed items or you want to get out of legal repercussions, the way to do is to invoke your patriotism.

You can win the ratings war against other channels by showing how much more of a patriotic you are than them. If all else fails, just throw the name of Pakistan into everything and all of a sudden you have an infinitely more popular show.

A variety show? Tonight with Pakistan

A Ramazan transmission show? Ramazan Pakistan

A soap opera? Pakistani Saas Bahu

Be-izzati

Either create content without any semblance of humanity and decency or insult everybody and everything, be-izzati is the way to get popular.

Get four men and get them to insult women and minorities for an hour, and you will have the highest-rated show on television.



There is nothing more entertaining than watching an entire group of people being stereotyped and insulted for the same things every single night. We have laughed at these jokes for generations and we will continue to do so.

Ethics? What ethics?

Has someone died? Why not ask the teenage sibling how they feel about their loved one’s untimely death?

Is that not inappropriate enough? How about add sad violin music in the background and make the old pictures black and white. For added effect, you may even add a crack between the pictures to show that the person is now dead.

Ideally you should do this every time there is a national tragedy so that you have the entire nation watching you. You should also show off that you were the first channel to get this exclusive and break the news to the nation about the national tragedy.

If you have to punch another reporter to get the interview, then that is just part of the job.

Fights

Every single time an anchor says that they do not want a fight on their television show, know that they are lying. Every anchor in Pakistan wants a fight on their show because a fight means ratings and ratings mean money!



The best anchors are those who can successfully incite a fight and seemingly stay innocent in the entire matter. If you can successfully provoke a party member against another party member then you have a viral video on your hands and a zero will be added to your salary.

The politicians dabba format is like the traditional cock fight held in Pakistan. Viewers pick their side and watch their animal try to better the other cock. At the end, you might celebrate the victory but we all come out as losers just because this idiotic activity was held.

Apocalypse NOW!

THE END IS HERE! Nothing sells better in the world than fear. If you sufficiently scare people into thinking the world will end today, then you will ensure people tune in to watch the Apocalypse.

Is the government running fine? Tell people the government is about to end. Are people watching too many Bollywood movies? Tell them India is about to go to war with Pakistan. Too many USAID advertisements changing perception about American people? Tell them Donald Trump will drop a nuclear bomb on Pakistan.

Actually, the last one might just happen so maybe scratch that.

This article is a work of satire.