Ask Asad: I am addicted to porn - how do I quit?

Hello Asad,

I hope you are doing well.

I want you to help me quit watching pornographic content. I've been watching porn since 2005 and have tried to quit many times since then. Sometimes, I was able to avoid it but that would not last for a long period of time.

This habit of mine has caused me many problems: there’s a constant influx of sexual thoughts, I stare at women in public (I haven't done anything inappropriate though), I am unable to concentrate on my studies anymore and I am losing control over my sexual desires.

Something inside me stops me from continuing like this but I have failed so far. I feel the end to this is through religion and I have tried to pray regularly, however, for the last several months I have stopped praying too. Everyone in my family prays except for me.

This addiction is killing me from inside and I want to get rid of it as I have already ruined enough of my life for this.

Please help me!

Porn Addict

Dear Porn Addict,

The fact that you understand and acknowledge that you are addicted to porn and want help to kick this habit is the first step towards recovery. This is a good sign as it takes courage and honesty for admitting that you have a problem.

For most people who watch a lot of porn, the impulse is simply a habit. One of the best ways to overcome a bad habit is to replace it with a good habit; you need to give yourself something else to do when you would normally be looking at porn.

From a psychological perspective, your addiction to porn might be because of stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness or low self-esteem. It could also be because of some trauma that you might have experienced in your life – may be but not necessarily – of a sexual nature. Porn may be a way of numbing yourself to help you cope with the issues in your life. If so, then please understand that trying to distract yourself through porn is not the solution to your problems. In fact, porn is an additional problem that you are adding on to your existing ones.

You have mentioned that you were able to quit porn at one time. This shows that you have it in you to kick this habit if you want. You only need more willpower than before. And that is possible.

Below are a few things that if you try will help you in quitting porn.

1) Try to take up sports, especially ones which involve a lot of stamina and endurance such as walking, running, hiking, squash, swimming and weight lifting. These activities help the brain release endorphins, which increase feelings of pleasure and lessen pain. This will hopefully take your mind away from porn to a great extent. Also consider engaging in other healthy daily activities, such as meditation, relaxation, yoga, deep breathing, etc.

2) Try to spend as much of your free time as possible with people. Try not to be alone when you are free and have nothing to do. Staying in company of others will prevent you from being tempted to watch porn when you might be alone.

3) One good way to fight porn is to get involved in a community. This is better than picking up a hobby, since you will have people to whom you are accountable and that will notice if you are gone. You can join a sports club, a reading group, or start volunteering.

4) Try to keep yourself busy. Porn is easy to fall back on if you have got a lot of free time. By keeping your day booked solid, you will easily be able to keep yourself away from porn because you will have too much other stuff to do!

5) Try fasting. Fasting on a regular basis will help you spiritually and will go a long way in fighting your porn addiction.

6) Donate your time to charity and welfare work, especially where you come across people who are really suffering in this world. Meeting such people will help you understand how lucky and blessed you are that you are not in their condition, and how you shouldn’t be wasting your time and energy on porn.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Praying is helpful – when done sincerely with the fear of God in one’s heart. You are lucky that your whole family prays. This means you already have the right environment to start praying and not shirk it.

You are also lucky if you feel that there is some power that is stopping you whenever you try to do something immoral. This shows there is still a lot of goodness in your soul and God is trying to bring you towards the right path. Reach out to Him and let Him guide you. Let not your soul be destroyed to a point where you begin to feel it’s beyond redemption.

If trying to break your porn addiction on your own isn't working out, think about seeing a therapist. You may have larger problems that need to be addressed. Therapists are trained to deal with addiction and can help support you as you break free from porn. Look for a therapist who practices cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is commonly used to treat addiction and provides a step-by-step process designed to stop compulsive behaviour.

You haven’t mentioned your age so I don’t know how old you are. You have mentioned that it’s affecting your studies so I take it you are a student and not a working professional. Otherwise I would have suggested that you try to get married, if possible.

One very important thing: whenever you get married, please don’t expect the same sort of sex life with your spouse that you see in porn movies. Normally sex between husband and wife is quite different. It’s much more natural, fun and fulfilling as it also involves feelings, emotions, happiness and love. Porn, on the other hand, is shot by paid professionals who do that sort of a thing for a living. It’s all fake! It is scripted and performed by professional choreographers, actors, writers, directors, etc. Expecting that from your future spouse would be a mistake. Not only would it be unfair to her, it would also lead to an unhappy marriage. Don’t do that to your future wife. She doesn’t deserve it.

All the best!

Asad

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.