Yours extremely

Mullah Bummer writes secret letter to dear friend Ossy.

A A Sheikh February 17, 2011

Respected leader and dear friend,

It is with great sadness that I pen this missive to you. It’s been two months since our security squads assigned us different caves on either side of the Durand Line. Security concerns notwithstanding, I miss you very much, Ossy. We shared the same cave for most of the last few years — ever since Ayman left and went to France —and I confess I had grown very fond of your exalted company and companionship. Of course, the fact that your cave was centrally heated in winters was an added benefit. We shared some very good times together. Ah, the simple joys of discussing world domination while picking lice from your beard; of watching old reruns of Baywatch on satellite TV; of sharing lamb dumpukht and bars of US Army chocolate. The memories keep flooding me. Remember the time you were trying to create a new generation of parcel-bombs but one blew in your face and set your beard on fire? Or when you dabbled with a new version of anthrax and got infected yourself?

On a personal note, I confess I keep missing you more and more. Although I will soon get central heating and a broadband connection in my cave, life will still be pretty boring without you. I remember with great fondness and nostalgia our wonderful times together. It sometimes reminds me of that movie we saw, I think it was called “Broken Back of Mountain” or something.  Those were the days!

Before I close I must tell you that I’m revising the 420th version of our master plan for the Talibanisation of America. While it is quite comprehensive and includes all airline schedules and subway timings, not to mention a separate chapter on Sarah Palin’s fate once we take over, I think a key element is amiss: I firmly believe change should be initiated from the top. I don’t think we can successfully Talibanise America until Obama wears a burqa and Mrs Clinton grows a beard. Oh, my apologies. I mean vice versa. I think we should make this an integral element of our manifesto. I’ll forward the details for your kind consideration.

In the end, my dear Ossy, I want to reiterate that I remain your steadfast friend and ally, despite all the distance and international military personnel between us. I wish you the best of health and spirits.

Yours extremely,


Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, February 13th, 2011.


Irfan | 10 years ago | Reply @ Abdul Moiz and Aamir Bashir I totally agree with you but at the same time intellectual society should also provide the solution i.e. a model society, that can be used as an example for Pakistan to follow. I think Turkey and Malaysia are the closest examples which I can think of for Pakistan to look up to.
abdul moiz | 10 years ago | Reply osama may be the one possible living in a cave but millions of our countrypeople have mentalities like the cave men of ancient times. They follow bilindly outdated rituals without bothering to use their minds,insist on treating women as second class citizens,foricing them to hide behind suffocating burkas or hijabs,telling educated not to work after marriage,forcing women to waste their education by just being limited to becoming baby producing factories. We have had a new sinister agenda being imposed on pakistan by these religious barbarians in the form of changing our identity:we're being taught to forget being pakistanis & become arabs.This arabization of pakistan is being carried out through the "mazhabi channels" which really are the mouthpieces of the deranged. Now our 'khuda hafiz" has to be "Allah hafiz" otherwise we aren't good muslims,we have to add "mashallah" 'inshallah' to everything we say otherwise we get reprimanded. A major emphasis in a lot of our households is on blindly reading a foreign language & think we are becomeing paak saaf by reading in a language we dont' understand.As if this is not enough rattafying religious texts without understanding a word of what is being rote learned is thought to bring prestige in society & this rote learning is bandied about as a certification of a good character whenever a hafiz gets into trouble: "wo kaisay rape karsakta hai wo to hafiz-e-quran hai". We should open our minds & critically examine what we read or are told,instead of following blindly like zombies what we've been brainwashed to believe since birth.
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