Why I hate Pakistan

Published: August 16, 2016
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Pakistan's national flag. PHOTO: REUTERS

Pakistan's national flag. PHOTO: REUTERS

John F Kennedy famously said, “Ask not what your country has done for you, ask what you have done for your country,” but Kennedy did not live in Pakistan.

I have been asking incessantly, but Pakistan never seems to call back. My relationship with my country is like an Adele song, strong, powerful and makes me cry each time.

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I have done a lot for my country. Just this past Sunday, I spent Rs175 on jhandiyan. Last year I bought a badge for Rs25. I even put the green and white filter on my Facebook photo. By now, Pakistan should have at least sent me some mobile credit. What more can I possibly do for my country?

I feel like a creepy Facebook ‘friendshipper’ sending Pakistan the same copy/paste message repeatedly every day without ever getting a response. Out of desperation, I even started messaging countries that sound like Pakistan. Panama never replied but Afghanistan was nice enough to send an emoticon.

I think it is about time I ask my mother to start seeing other countries for me. Pakistan has done nothing for me.

I was told this land has magical qualities, but I throw out my garbage each day and, lo and behold, it is still there next day. If our land was so zarkheiz, why can’t it just swallow heaps of trash each day? I’ve even seen people burn their trash to protest against the land’s inability to provide basic cleanliness for all its citizens.

The sea is slightly better; it at least makes an effort to move the garbage away when I throw everything in it. Some people claim it kills marine life when I dump toxic waste but at no point in the two-nation theory is it ever mentioned that Pakistan is being created to save the turtles. The WWF is lying to us. Why is a wrestling company even trying to save the turtles? It is all a scam. I’ve seen what Jack the ‘Snake Man’ does with reptiles.

At this stage I think Pakistan wants to be dirty. Even when I throw my trash outside the window while driving into the air, it ends up on the ground. The trash could go anywhere in the world it wants but it decides to be with Pakistan.

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If the Chief Minister cannot personally vacuum every street in Sindh, we might as well have a military dictatorship.

Not only does Pakistan make no effort to look better. It also makes no effort to make me look better. I feel so embarrassed flashing my green passport at parties with all the other countries. I have to make fun of it myself just to fit in. Secretly, I slip my number to all of the other countries, begging them to take me home.

Why can’t Pakistan just fix its terrorism problem? All I want to do is become rich in Pakistan and not think about how my apathy and complete disregard for social or economic inequality each day leads to increase in crime rates.

Why should I speak out against terrorism? That is Pakistan’s emotional baggage. The moment I see baggage in a relationship, I just swipe left.

Why should I have to go out and protest on the streets to make a difference when Pakistan can’t even make the effort to cool down the temperature? To quote the wise philosopher Zohair Toru, “garmee mai hum sab kharab hojaye hay.”

Pakistan also needs to sort out its crazy exes. I cannot be in a relationship where I have to look behind my back every day to make sure some crazy ex is not trying to murder me. I could help them get closure and become friends, but I look better in comparison to the crazy ex so I let violence happen to make myself look great.

I would have suffered through this entire emotional trauma only if Pakistan was rich. I do not pay taxes, steal electricity, vote on the basis of tribal and ethnic ties, let corruption happen each day, but that is just who I am as a person.

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Pakistan needs to understand that and try to woo me with clean paved roads, infrastructural marvels, fully functioning and efficient schools and hospitals, a social security system and a government for the people.

All this was promised to me in the constitution so I am entitled to them, even if I do not do anything to help make them a reality. The constitution says it is Pakistan’s responsibility, so why should I do anything?

I’ve played ‘Age of Empires’ and ‘Red Alert 2’ all my life. It is not that hard to raise a civilisation. Pakistan should have done it by now but it even struggles to grow cotton, let alone the tallest building in the world.

I even watered my garden twice this year. Not even a pan ka khoka sprouted up from the land.

I hate Pakistan because it does nothing. It just lays there waiting for all Pakistanis to get their act together and be better people. May be Pakistan needs to be a better person, and do everything to us that it’s promised.

Don’t be like a Pakistani husband Pakistan, who promises the world before marriage and makes you make rotis after marriage.

I think it is about time we break up Pakistan. It is not me it is you.

Actually wait. My US visa got rejected… Wait don’t go away…I took you for granted, you never know a good thing, it’s fine but please take me back?

If not, at least invite me to have biryani at your shadi next week.

The article is a work of satire and fiction. 

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Reader Comments (25)

  • Zuhaib
    Aug 16, 2016 - 6:07PM

    Epic… Recommend

  • Ahmer
    Aug 16, 2016 - 6:18PM

    Its actually a nice piece of sarcasm.It summarizes all the things which we,Pakistani, do and expect it will be all right by itself. Its a time now that we should think seriously and do something for change.Recommend

  • Muhammad Lashari
    Aug 16, 2016 - 8:41PM

    Brilliant. Recommend

  • Zubair Ahmed
    Aug 16, 2016 - 9:47PM

    Love the irony and simple sarcadtoc tone of the article. Very well written!Recommend

  • Mohsin
    Aug 16, 2016 - 11:28PM

    quite laudable because it showed the reality of people who firstly try to make their own country notorious but when they realize the conspiracies they turns back but at time more people get infected of that misconception.

    WHEN SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP REMEMBER THAT OUTSIDE SOURCES ARE TRYING TO CORRODE OUR COUNTRIES

    WE ARE BEST IN THE WORLD IF NO ONE BOTHER USRecommend

  • imran
    Aug 16, 2016 - 11:48PM

    Good one. I still love Pakistan. Please do not break up with me. I love each and every street of yours. Recommend

  • Ahmad Ali
    Aug 17, 2016 - 7:18AM

    I love Pakistan.I don’t know until when we will realise what a great blessing pakistan is.now days only thing this society does is abusing pakistan.I want all these like-minded people to love in indian occupied Kashmir,in occupied Palestine and war torn syria and realise what’s its like to have a independent homeland of yours.it’s sad that we have no worth for this great blessing.Recommend

  • Maximus
    Aug 17, 2016 - 7:21AM

    Lame!Recommend

  • Fact is Fact
    Aug 17, 2016 - 7:27AM

    very lame article… writing such lame stuffs is not gonna help. you are missing the big picture. Ask someone who has paid tax all their life for nothing..Recommend

  • Haji Atiya
    Aug 17, 2016 - 9:19AM

    @Ahmer:
    I nominate you to lead the charge !!Recommend

  • Dr Aila Khan
    Aug 17, 2016 - 9:42AM

    Love it!Recommend

  • Haibat khan
    Aug 17, 2016 - 10:26AM

    @Fact is Fact:
    Bro… Your meager tax will not make Pakistan rich, however your attitude will work wonders, it will start a chain reaction and make others do the good too. Just a smile and good words can make environment quite livable try it. Recommend

  • khan
    Aug 17, 2016 - 11:04AM

    Sometimes the Value of Thing is understood only after loosing it. Recommend

  • Ijlal
    Aug 17, 2016 - 11:07AM

    We certainly do not expect marvels or tallest buildings to happen; but atleast a livable infrastructure and a sense of security for the amount of taxes we are slapped with.Recommend

  • AHZ
    Aug 17, 2016 - 11:20AM

    Haha! That Age of Empires and Red Alert 2 reference had me chuckled! This is a good one, the love hate relationship continues. Recommend

  • Quazee
    Aug 17, 2016 - 12:44PM

    “The trash could go anywhere in the world it wants but it decides to be with Pakistan.” Think the writer has wrote this words for himself . Recommend

  • Fact is Fact
    Aug 17, 2016 - 1:01PM

    The fact is, at least at this moment in times, Pakistan is in a deep trouble mainly bcz people are not willing to accept the problems. More so, they are indulging themselves in all those “conspiracy” theories. We have to accept that Pakistan has a problem and that is religion. Remove religion from politics and the nation will flourish. It should be individual thing. you can’t just throw what you believe on every one (in urdu: thopna). You can’t just accept that people do not want to pay tax and expect every thing form govt. You even can’t just accept that people pay tax and govt is not willing to offer solutions. Recommend

  • Danyaal
    Aug 17, 2016 - 1:17PM

    Fantastic piece! Recommend

  • saad
    Aug 17, 2016 - 2:01PM

    Bravo!!very nice!!!Recommend

  • saad
    Aug 17, 2016 - 2:03PM

    who is the writer? i would like to read more from you writer!!!Recommend

  • Napier Mole
    Aug 17, 2016 - 4:49PM

    Hilarious! Lovely piece of satire!Recommend

  • Sayed Mehdi Raza
    Aug 18, 2016 - 7:57AM

    I have seen many people who spend some time abroad when they come back on leave for few days so they starts comparison that the country where they are working (for them not for his own country) is suitable from each and every angle, it’s ok there are many advance countries on this planet but can any one tell us the country where they works. Are they giving them equal rights & freedom? No never no other country can give you such things. So don’t compare your country with others if you find any mistake try to correct it & don’t let your country down at last you have to come back.Recommend

  • Hamza
    Aug 18, 2016 - 9:38AM

    A reality which all Pakistani should know…
    We are always waiting for someone else to help us but do nothing to get rid of it…Recommend

  • James
    Aug 18, 2016 - 2:53PM

    To be honest this is pretty cringeworthy, as it tries to hard to be like the satire of Nadeem F. Paracha. Just give it up please… Recommend

  • Iralan
    Aug 19, 2016 - 12:23AM

    Yes hate the corrupt politicians sharifs Zardari etc
    Pakistan idea and realty for Muslims of subcontinent is and was always based on one fact ” come and do hardwork and grow ” any poor person can come and with hardwork can make something for him or herself but unfortunately entered Zardari and sharifs and there likes and so the concept for Mussalman doing things to improve lots in a place where they be roam free w free spirit in bounds of there faith vanished.
    So we hate the political lot who are stupid ruthless treacherous. But not Pakistan
    Hope we get to rid ourselves of these corrupted people and get wisdom and smarts to deal with tremendous problems
    Mostly self inflicted but also imposedRecommend

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