The Way I See It
Why one should love arranged marriages

Why one should love arranged marriages

Love marriages are on a constant downward spiral while it is usually the opposite when it comes to arranged marriages.

Sidrah Moiz July 08, 2012

It is hard for every girl growing up in Pakistan to brave drawing-room meetings, aimed at deciding their fates for life. But one only finds the recipe for matrimonial bliss, after coming to terms with it.

Arranged marriages may seem awry to some, but you only realise when you have undergone or seen cases in which love marriages don’t quite prove to be the best way out.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe arranged marriages trump love marriages.

Statistics have proven that the probability of a love marriage failing is higher than an arranged marriage.

People who usually fall in love are bound to be blinded by passion that love ignites in you. On the contrary, arranged marriages are well-thought out, considered and then arranged.

Therefore, people who are in love usually end up putting their best self forward during the first few months, for the sake of maintaining the relationship.

On the contrary, in arranged marriages, people are usually transparent and keep it truthful because there’s no such fear of losing.

Given this fact, love marriages are on a constant downward spiral while it is usually the opposite when it comes to arranged marriages.

On the other hand, as the classic adage goes, parents want the best for their child; when it comes to choosing someone you want to spend your life with, you can actually give benefit of the doubt to your parents.

However, saying that either of the two remains successful would be unfair as marriage is a gamble and the outcome usually depends on how the couple perseveres.

Read more by Sidrah here or follow her on Twitter @seedwah

WRITTEN BY:
Sidrah Moiz

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

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COMMENTS (77)

Sarah | 12 years ago | Reply @waqar: Now this is really sad.

Sarah | 12 years ago | Reply "Statistics have proven that the probability of a love marriage failing is higher than an arranged marriage" This is the statement often misused by those advocating arranged marriages, I find this statistic very funny to be honest. See the thing is that the people involved in an arranged marriage don't get divorced for pretty much the same reason that they get married to one another in the first place and that usually is - pressure from society and family. Whether you like it or not divorce is still a taboo in societies where arranged marriages are most common e.g South Asian societies. Partners stick with each other because parents or uncles and aunties intervene and try to mediate when the going gets rough on the other hand if it were a western familial setup a marriage would only be the husband's and the wife's business and they would simply get a divorce if they wished to get one, without being accountable to amma, abba, dada, dadi and chacha, phuppi or the parosi for that matter. It would make a more interesting tribune article to go around and survey people who are involved in an arranged marriage and provide them guaranteed anonymity and ask them if they would get out of their marriage if they could, given that external pressures (society, parents, kids) are non-existent and the question simply put is; do you want a divorce yes or no? I can GUARANTEE the majority of Pakistanis will answer YES. We as Pakistanis are a sad bunch of people all stuck in our marriages questioning the what-ifs of life and wondering what we could have done differently.

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waqar | 12 years ago | Reply What about already being in love and having to go ahead with what my mum wanted. Having to break someones heart aswell as my own.and now I am expecting a child in this arranged marriage.. Will my own feelings ever go away or will I resent my family for it . I could never lose my family but I knew they would never approve of the girl I love and now I have ruined her life and I feel so guilty I cannot face her. Is this what is best for the children as the parents always knows best.

umer | 12 years ago | Reply @BlackJack: Dont know the reality of the said event but in an interview she said that wanted to accept islam and follow it peacefully thats why she married a muslim guy and not the other way round.

Murad Akbar Raza | 12 years ago | Reply I agree with the writer.........still its difficult enough to reach any concrete conclusion. Everyone has her/his own unique experiences of marital life. It also differs from society to society.

Nothing | 12 years ago | Reply @Sacha Insaan: I was born in a western country and have spent ample time with both western men and women AND Muslim men and women as well (of all ages as I have grown). In my own experience, the only men who gripe and whine about feminism being a conspiracy to "control" men are the insecure and narrow minded men. Progressive minded (or rather, HEALTHY minded men) are not threatened by feminism. You seem to have mixed up misandry and feminism. Cheers!

Recently Engaged | 12 years ago | Reply Thanks God , i didn't read this a week back. Such a spoiler it is. I am happily engaged (arranged).Keep Rihanna's word everyone that 'WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE' :D

TheTruth | 12 years ago | Reply This is quite possibly the worst article I have EVER read. Period. I initially planned to write an entire serious post dedicated to picking out the many holes in your flawed approach, but then decided not to bother since someone who could actually make such generalized assumptions (without giving sources for the 'statistics' deserves the following comment. Less talk, more sandwiches.

rubab21 | 12 years ago | Reply Most unprofessional and badly argued blog (its a post or tweet rather) on ET I've read so far. What I loved however were some of the comments. Most of them have rebutted the writer's flawed argument and some have done so quite succintly. More pleasantly surprising is that the majority of these seem to be men!

Anonymous | 12 years ago | Reply @Sacha Insaan "RESPONSIBLE" usage of grey matter. Please quote fully and within context. Skills? chemical juices and random fluctuations of hormonal concentrations? The skills I am referring to are the ones which set man apart from animal. A pedophile lacks responsible use of grey matter and reacts directly to the now infamous, random fluctuations of hormonal concentrations without any skillful handling of himself or his lustful feelings. Peace.

AnyOne | 12 years ago | Reply @MTL: Agreed with you.

Sacha Insaan | 12 years ago | Reply @ Anonymous: Usage of gray matter? Factually a wrong statement, because even a pedophile uses gray matter. It is functional, perhaps in ways different than yours. As for skills, there are no "skills" in existence for dealing with passions which are result of chemical juices and random fluctuations of hormonal concentrations....

Ali Zubair | 12 years ago | Reply btw what are the statistics and their sources when you say that love marriages are more prone to failure than love marriages come on,,, first figure out that what is the actual percentage of love and arranges marriages in our society and then proportionate failure rate accordingly,,

Zoon | 12 years ago | Reply In our society it is not the arranged marriage that is looked down upon, but the love marriage.Seldom do parents of a daughter who chooses her own husband reveal that it is her choice before theirs. And similarly the groom's parents aren't too comfortable with the extended family knowing their to-be-daughter-in-law was involved with a na-mahram; so what if that na-mahram was their own son, or that they decide to make it official and halal when they were ready? About 'LOVING' arranged marriages, don't know where you're getting the compulsion to make people love something they may or may not choose to pursue. The point is not to 'love' but to accept and respect difference. And it is this tolerance we need to preach. Please avoid 'love-hate' talk, and irrelevant comparisons. :)

alicia | 12 years ago | Reply @the author Your writing is horrible. No offense. I won't comment on arranged or love marriage but the arguments you present sound like an English translation of Akhbar-e-jahan Khawateen section and ummat women magazine/or maybe behasiti zewar. (yes I have read them both and found similar pieces regarding the greatness of arranged marriage). I would expect a blog in a publication like ET to present much more sound arguments, with clearly stated points that actually manage to convince some people. Your thoughts just go everywhere. And I would have to say does look a lot like an extended tweet.

Intelektual | 12 years ago | Reply Also in case of most of the girls carefull decision making/planning goes out of the window when she reaches 20 and any Tom Dick and Harry is an eligible suitor if his teeth are intact most ov them any ways...

Intelektual | 12 years ago | Reply "parents want the best for their child" True that but the question is not of wanting but knowing what is good for you ! the conventional family assumes what is good for the parents is good for the child and they barely care to know their child on a personal level even if the noncomplaint child stands out they seek to find a matrimonial match that would make him more complaint to their school ov thought Shadi is just another clutch of responsibility to curb your independence !

MTL | 12 years ago | Reply @ Ayesha: Btw the author is a “She” :). On a serious note, I agree with you on the point that parents do want best for their children but it is not necessary that they really find someone good. Regarding perfection I would say that it doesn’t exist but I used that term on the comparative basis. . Nowadays people have a lot of exposure which actually makes them think about the person arranged by their parents as compared to the past. If you look around, the ACTUAL successful arranged marriages are very few (2 in 5) because the people in such marriages are under enormous pressure by their families so they had to bear with each other and sacrifice for their whole lives. Arranged marriages do have their benefits but it does not make love marriages any less beneficial. . There is a very vital factor which is missed out here: When a marriage is arranged, both families put their best effort to make it successful in the longer run which helps such couples a lot. On the contrary, for a love marriage both families (generally) put in their best to ruin the relationship of the couple which causes a lot of unwanted practical hardships for such couple. So when you compare the both cases in this respect ARRANGED MARRIAGE has ENORMOUS benefits. . Islam definitely prohibits “Dating” but to my knowledge all love marriages are not the result of dating and there are lots of other scenarios where people do get to know each other and get married. Definitely you will not be forced and suppressed to get into an arranged marriage but what usually happens is that when your family selects a person for you, they make up your mind by giving logics. If someone is a thinking mind he might talk about those but generally it is not the case. I wish you all the best for your arranged marriage (I am not sarcastic here). . P.S: For me love does not mean the love at first sight of getting into love because the girl is stunningly beautiful or a guy is a hunk (also include the teenage crush here). This kind of love is usually a perfect disaster recipe. There are lots of things along with the physical aspect of love which nowadays are not considered.

Intelektual | 12 years ago | Reply Love marriages last as long as they are successful (measure being the happiness of the spouses involved) and they might have a shorter life-span but they end before completely failing while an arranged gamble drags you misrably along for the rest of ur life! Counting the time alone is not always a measure of marital bliss when you are bound to serve a life sentence !! "arranged marriages are well-thought out, considered and then arranged." Might be so but that does not mean the considerations were remotly in your favour as the considerations are always to the advantage of the people arranging the marraige they hardly care what kind of Husband/wife you want but care what son or daughter in law would be feasible for their domestic setting !

Mariam | 12 years ago | Reply You didn't really give any clear evidence as to why arranged marriages are more preferable. You didn't provide evidentiary support, but rather empty notions and assumptions. I can just as easily say that many arranged marriages are not well thought out and many women are just thrown into them because their families no longer want to support them anymore.

Anonymous | 12 years ago | Reply Arranged marriages are more successful because both partners accept the rules of matrimony set by society and abide by them without question. Romantic love usually takes a back seat. The very concept of arranged marriage in a conservative society like ours is like a square peg in a square hole. A perfect match! Love marriage is based on the concept of the right of a person to make his/her own individual decisions regarding his/her personal life. Not a good idea in a society which disapproves free thinkers (read responsible use of grey matter) and promotes blind (and in some cases deaf and dumb) faith. Whats more? When such muted intellects do marry of own free will, more often than not they end up on the wrong foot due to sheer lack of handling skills for hormone induced passion and the unpredictable results thereof. This cheers up the conservative crowd no end. Smug looks all around and 'see I told you so!'. However, if as young adults the parents were not fit to decide on a good match for themselves, how can they be eligible to decide for their sons and daughters ?? Cheers! P.S. For those of you who are wondering, YES, I had a filmi ishq and a love marriage which is still going strong after 20 years of matrimonial bliss. Allah ka shukar.

AA | 12 years ago | Reply "It is a gamble!!" That's the only sensible thing I found in the entire article. As someone whose seen a fair share of love and arranged marriages I am completely pro love marriage. The fact is that if two people can fall in love, be passionate about it and want to spend their entire life together as compared to people who are just forced into adjusting and compromising with each other, why go down the other road?

Sikandar Ali | 12 years ago | Reply Each marriage has it

s own importance, though if they are rectified with true preceptions..Like if a couple is having least expectactions and greater amount of reality in view they won

t get down by any moment, in contrary of this if a couple is comceieving themselves as "Prince Charles weds with Lady Diana" sort of couple would soon realise how harsh life has became to their Royal feelings..... So instand of giving humble suggestions, should have given a clearer prospective of Life throughout both conditions by giving some social examples arround.. So that,bachlor people like me could have set their distinct creterion...!!

Tehniyat Bukhari | 12 years ago | Reply I am severely surprised that ET allowed such a personalized/biased blog on their site. When presenting an argument, kindly follow the PEEP rule. State your P (point), Go to E (explain it), then to the other E (back it up with evidence) and then reiterate your P (point originally made). It's sad to notice that all you've done here is make declarative statements that have no evidence whatsoever and generally seem like idle ramblings. No offense to you dear, but you need to work on argument making skills. If you had researched this topic further and then formed a conclusion, I doubt you would have been the subject of such criticism.

Rameez | 12 years ago | Reply @Sacha Insaan..... Fully agree. LoneLiberal Pk is a liberal person.He will never side with anything religious and will always be biased .The way he portrays educated women as innocent and power is ridiculous.I guess he is one of those teenager who thinks that he/she knows everything.

Sacha Insaan | 12 years ago | Reply @Nobody: Of course there are other reasons why marriage trend has fallen too, I never claimed the reason I gave was the ONLY one, but the one I gave is a significant one. I think you do not hang around enough with Western men. Spend more time with accomplished males at the bar parties after work, their real thoughts will become obvious to you. LoneLiberal mostly has senseless comments as I have demonstrated above.

alicia | 12 years ago | Reply Have to agree with @Hala "Parents want the best for their kid, but the kids also want best for themselves." We have to remember that anyone can make a mistake. Just because our parents choose someone and do a background check on them does not mean that the person would be perfect.

Hala | 12 years ago | Reply @Sammy Wiseguy: i agree with everything you said you are the voice of reason on this thread

Hala | 12 years ago | Reply i don't know why this debate continues who you choose to marry does affect the marriage but how you choose stops mattering as soon as you get married how good your marriage is depends not upon whether it was arranged or not but on how good you make it a marriage dissolves not because it was arranged or not but because one or both of the parties involved are somehow unable to make it work maybe they each have a different idea of what a good marriage is blaming arranged or love marriage is silly and counterproductive parents want the best for their kids sure. but kids also want the best for themselves and either one could be making a mistake

Sammy Wiseguy | 12 years ago | Reply Regardless of whether the marriage is out of love or arranged both people have to work towards making the marraige work. It is not just about falling in love at first sight. That isn't love.. that's the beginning of the infatuation and liking for someone as the author said at a period when both people are putting their best self forward. I think the words 'I love you' are highly overused without truly understanding the meaning of love. Love .. true love can only be when you have started living with the person, sharing their life with them and seeing them in their worst and at their best. When you know the other person's habits. That is true love. When you say you love someone without all of the above .. i am not questioning the genuineness of it.. i just think that's more of the infatuation and liking bit going and working in overdrive. all relationships take time and understanding and work. Movies and tv shows and other fictional stories would have us believe that love happens and then there are songs and birds singing and butterflies and all that. it doesn't work that way.

Namoos Hayat Qasmi | 12 years ago | Reply Yes, i agree with this. The reason of failing of love marriages is also that usually both of the partners expect the same attitude and behavior from each other after their marriage, that was before the marriage, but it is not possible for them to behave in the similar way, because life changes after marriage, responsibilities and duties increase, both of them come to know that they would have to live with all the negative and positive qualities of their partner, which usually become difficult to understand and compromise with, so in my view too, arranged marriage is better than love marriage.

Aysha | 12 years ago | Reply @MTL: The author said in arranged marriages parents look at every aspect and they take everything under consideration. He did not say 'everything arranged by parents is perfect'! And parents do want the best for their kids, no need to be sarcastic about that. If you don't agree with that then I feel sorry for you :) . It's sad to see how almost everyone here is so against the idea of arranged marriages, maybe it's a automatic response. It's a trend nowadays to be against arranged marriages. I understand there are cases, especially in poorly educated and conservative communities, where females are forced into a marriage, but one cannot deny that there are some positive points to arranged marriages..If done properly with both parties' consent. I'd go with arranged marriage too.. Islam does not give me the right to 'date' But it does give me a right to accept or reject a marriage proposal.. So no, I'm not a sales pitch (as someone commented above), I'm not suppressed, and no I won't be forced.. like the picture you guys painted of people who agree with arranged marriages. I'm a woman who's capable of making her own decisions.

Sajjad | 12 years ago | Reply Strongly agree.....

MTL | 12 years ago | Reply All you need to do is to ask admins to remove this article. Go back to your desk, do some research and then decide what you want to write. People are least interested in what you think and they need some good stuff supported by facts and figures which your article seriously lacks. Please come out of the fancy world where everything arranged by parents is perfect :)

fatima | 12 years ago | Reply In short Do not get married :D

Nobody | 12 years ago | Reply @Sacha Insaan: The trend to marry hasn't fallen because western feminist context is meant to "control" men (its meant to create a more balanced situation for both) rather the trend has fallen because people cohabitate more without the burden of marriage, favorable for both men and women. Among Muslims, it hasn't fallen it just doesn't happen at such an early age as both men and women prefer to be somewhat settled before marrying. Not sure where you got some of your facts from but khair... Imo loneliberalpak contributes some of the most sensible comments on here. Cheers.

Umair | 12 years ago | Reply The time would come when this society will be debating whether dating is better or getting married. All are man made innovations and ruining social structure.

alicia | 12 years ago | Reply @sacha insan This blog is about Pakistan where arranged marriages happen to 98% of people. It's not about the west. And trust me Pakistani law gives no financial benefit to the divorced wife. Thats why only the very very opressed women ever get a divorce because there is no other way out for them.

Sacha Insaan | 12 years ago | Reply Loneliberal PK: You said: "It’s not because such women are bad at maintaining relationships. It’s because an educated woman has the option to leave an uncaring or abusive spouse, and live her life independently (or until a better partner is found)." Your statement assumes that educated women only leave the relationship because the male spouse is abusive or uncaring. That might be true in some cases (even being uncaring/indifferent is not really a good reason to end a relationship when both spouses share other similarities like likes/interests). In many cases educated women might be asking for divorce because they themselves are disloyal, uncaring or have ulterior motives (divorce settlement money from the husband!!)., In Western countries, the trend to get married among young educated professional accomplished men/guys is falling as they have realized marriage in Western feminist context is an institution developed to cause suffering to men and to control men. These men never marry, rather they satisfy their needs via ways which Islam calls against. These men have found a solution to their problems according to their unislamic beliefs. Your commentary is always biased and misinformed. Its about time you start reading stuff up.

Divorced | 12 years ago | Reply I agree with you on one point, "People who usually fall in love are bound to be blinded by passion that love ignites in you. On the contrary, arranged marriages are well-thought out, considered and then arranged" but I disagree on "Therefore, people who are in love usually end up putting their best self forward during the first few months, for the sake of maintaining the relationship." Few months can be few years. As far as your argument that "in arranged marriages, people are usually transparent and keep it truthful because there’s no such fear of losing", I think it is not true. People try to deceive but in arranged marriages parents are usually on alert. They usually do a good background check which unfortunately does not happen in love marriages. If you like the girl or the boy you simply go for it without considering how is family is like.

Ayesha Pervez | 12 years ago | Reply The main problem in love marriages stems from expectations. Women expect their husband to be the same man he was pre marriage but responsibility coupled with living together change quite a bit. I have seen love marriages where the couple dated for 7+ years before marriage break just some time after marriage... why? because things changed. Nor can we say that arranged marriages are better. Its all a matter of luck, understanding and willingness of the couple to make the marriage work, whether love or arranged.

Aaliya | 12 years ago | Reply The only point I agree with is that arranged marriages are well thought out and considered. I think marriage, love or arranged, is a gamble. I've seen many arranged marriage couples who are just perfect with each other. To cast off arranged marriages just cuz you think it's not cool or only people who can't find love on their own is just stupid.

Deb | 12 years ago | Reply @Sidra 'Statistics have proven that the probability of a love marriage failing is higher than an arranged marriage.' I don't know how credible is the statistics you subscribe to, but given it's true there is a simple explanation to it. In an arranged marriage both parties have agreed (rather made to agree) to do the time in prison regardless of the condition of living it offers.

Ali tanoli | 12 years ago | Reply what about arranged love marriage this is gonna work for both love birds.

Nobody | 12 years ago | Reply @Ali Wali: A girl is not a loaf of bread being "given" to you. Marry a girl you're willing to give yourself too as much as she will give herself to you or perhaps stay single. Cheers.

MJ | 12 years ago | Reply Firstly, all of your evidence is anecdotal except for the unreported statistics you seem to be relying on which supposedly "prove" that arranged marriages are more stable. Even as far as your opinions go, you simply state your conclusions without justification, and so, really, you haven't even made any point at all. For example, you simply state without justification that people in love marriages put their best foot forwards before marriage, whereas arranged marriages are well thought out. Well, consider the case of a couple that lives together for a year before getting married, and another that has only ever met thrice, each time with parents in the room. Which couple, really, knows each other better? Secondly, since you cite no statistics, I'm going to assume you are relying on divorce statistics. Whether or not an unhappy couple gets a divorce depends on a huge variety of factors, including the pressures of the culture they live in, the stigmas associated with divorce in their society, their religion's view of divorce, and the severity of the expected reactions from friends and family. If you want to test whether love or arranged marriages have a better shot at succeeding, you would have to devise a study where you control for all of these factors in order to ensure that the results really do show the probability of the marriage falling apart rather than the probability of a marriage that has fallen apart actually resulting in divorce.

Ali | 12 years ago | Reply Writer is sub-editor in ET. o.o Now I understand how such good pieces are published in ET!

A well-wisher | 12 years ago | Reply Wow that was horribly written. I may or may not agree with your point of view, but the argument is badly constructed and the evidence is horrible. Firstly, what statistics are you pointing out? Secondly, do you realize that getting out of arranged marriages is tougher than breaking apart a love marriage? The two families really do NOT let arranged marriages end in divorce. And that also leads me to ask you what a "failed" marriage is? Is it a divorce? Is it an unhappy marriage? My experience suggests that unhappy arranged marriages stay as unhappy arranged marriages and unhappy love marriages end in divorce. And thirdly, "People who usually fall in love are bound to be blinded by passion that love ignites in you (that's your view) . On the contrary, arranged marriages are well-thought out, considered and then arranged (that's your view too; some marriages are just done for money). Therefore, people who are in love usually end up putting their best self forward during the first few months, for the sake of maintaining the relationship (here you've made an inference based on your view, not on facts). On the contrary, in arranged marriages, people are usually transparent and keep it truthful because there’s no such fear of losing (and here you've conveniently placed arranged marriages as the polar opposites of love marriages). Given this fact (A FACT?? REALLY??), love marriages are on a constant downward spiral while it is usually the opposite when it comes to arranged marriages (I don't think I need to comment on this part) I'm sorry but this is one of the worst posts I've seen on this blog. You fail to distinguish your opinion from facts and then your inferences based on those opinions become facts, which then lead to more inferences. The topic is very interesting, but you have not done it any justice whatsoever.

N A Layak | 12 years ago | Reply Let me guess. You have been told clearly that your parents are going to find a match for you. So now you write this piece to convince yourself. Why not leave the choices to individuals rather than trashing one side?

The Prodigy | 12 years ago | Reply I agree, that parents (especially mothers) look for the best for their children. But, what about 60 percent of Pakistani mothers, who are constantly looking for girls who are "tall, fair, slim and must be from financially sound family? Moreover, even if the son is 32 to 35, they look for girls who must be at least 20 - 22 so that their sons could have a young, fertile wife, capable of pleasing her son and producing children even when the son is 60! Similarly, when it comes to the girls' parents, the first and foremost thing that they look for in a guy is his wealth and financial status. As for searching for a "shareef" guy, nothing can guarantee a guy's sharafat unless you start living with one. The thing i like about love marriages (despite their high rates of failure) is that people tend to accept each other with many flaws that one definitely comes across when in a relationship. But then again, it goes for relationships wherein both the partners are equally sincere, and not for those wherein the guy is always has the notion is mind "shadi to bas ammi hi kii pasand se karoonga". And as you say, that in love marriages, people usually present their best possible sides to each others, the same goes for arranged settings because the meetings are mostly limited to 4 to 5, and no matter how much "chhan bheen" people do, they can never decide "the best" for anyone. It's always up to the couple how to live with mutual understanding, love, as well as, compromise.

Roflidofli | 12 years ago | Reply When you talk about statistics to prove your point, please provide the source. That's the most essential part of writing; providing the source.

Silas | 12 years ago | Reply When people themselves can;t find love, they start saying arrange marriages are good.

sherry | 12 years ago | Reply @Mujhay hay hukm e Azaan: very very very well said , it was so required here.

Loneliberal PK | 12 years ago | Reply Those statistics are unfair, as there are several confounding factors involved. Highly educated women are more likely to go for love marriages than to settle for arranged ones (though that isn't exclusively the case). Divorce rate is higher among educated women. It's not because such women are bad at maintaining relationships. It's because an educated woman has the option to leave an uncaring or abusive spouse, and live her life independently (or until a better partner is found) On the other hand, an uneducated woman is dependent on her husband for her and her children's sustenance, and therefore, is unlikely to break herself from the shackles of a rotten relationship. The difference in rate of failure among love and arranged marriages, can be partly attributed to the difference in the average level of education of women.

Sajjad Shaikh | 12 years ago | Reply @BlackJack: Great Comment! Super Likes! There are very few people who really think in this world. And I believe you are ONE of them.

American | 12 years ago | Reply lol the people on this site will not like this blog. I'm surprised one of ET's liberal loving staff even wrote it. The commentators above have already gotten personal as you can see someone calling those who go into arranged marriage "timid persons", whatever. I agree with most of your points, though it is probably unfair to say which type has more success. There is a blessing in following the advice of your parents. Other than that, honestly for most Pakistanis the line between arranged and love marriage is pretty blurred. Its hard to categorize them as either one since outright dating is not permitted in Islam - most just know each other as friends (or cousins in the case of Pakistan) and ask their parents from what I've seen. Anyway, a lot of people don't find the right person from within their social circle. So they get the outright arranged marriage. And I've seen some pretty cool couples come out of such "arrangements". So if that's what you were meant to do then go for it. You don't need validation from the angry and confused people on this site.

sidewinder | 12 years ago | Reply try to get what you love otherwise you would be forced to love what you get.

Imran Con | 12 years ago | Reply What a sad state of mind. I sincerely feel sorry for you. I'll make my own life decisions if given the choice every time. The same scenario of an arranged marriage can be duplicated by picking a random person out on the street. It's even better than having someone arrange it because it's you who made the choice. You can't really even give credit to arranged marriages for quality of choice as by arranging it, it's no different than making a sales pitch. They're certainly not going to say he's an abusive drunk with a disease if they're trying to set up a marriage. Furthermore, since it's arranged, when you found out that he is an abusive drunk with a disease you're probably stuck with them by tradition. But, hey, if you like being a commodity to be sold off, more power to you.

Victim | 12 years ago | Reply I second the point Sajid has highlighted "love marriages fall apart because the parties are FREE to divorce if they think it is not working out". Usually couples in love marriage go for saparation w/o even thinking about the consequences. I am a victim of somebody who never gave importance to the RELATION and we got separated. One should remember that it might be easy to end up relations but not that easy to stop loving all of a sudden. Regrets and only regrets are left when the awkward moment comes and you realize that the game is over.

... | 12 years ago | Reply It is completely senseless to marry without love, you have to have that person as a partner for the rest of your life, if you do it out of compatibility and not love, you will inevitably be miserable.

Donku | 12 years ago | Reply Arrange marriage is less problematic

Mujhay hay hukm e Azaan | 12 years ago | Reply You are right cent percent. "kehtay hain jis ko ishq khallal hay dimaag ka"

Mujhay hay hukm e Azaan | 12 years ago | Reply @BlackJack: No dear we also supported sanna (tennis star) and malik love marriage

Clarus | 12 years ago | Reply Love or Arrange is not something optional or by choice. If you are in love with someone no one in his/her right mind will ever say to other person "i will not marry you because love marriages tend to fail" so eventually if you have found someone who is compatible and is in the same wave length you tend to marry that person and those who ignore their feelings or are forced by parents to marry someone else regret their decisions later. Whereas when your love life is so screwed up or otherwise love didn't happen, the structure of our society is so supportive that our parents/relatives are always there to fix our love lives thru arrange marriages which indeed is a good thing. so be it love or arrange as long as there is SPARK it will FLY ! And neither of them is inferior or superior. If you have found your love yourself fair enough otherwise what are RISTA AUNTIES for.?

SZY | 12 years ago | Reply Marriages (love and arranged) are a gamble. It is like digging into a pinata loot. one can hit jackpot, get nothing , or get sour candies...or you decide not to go to the party. this is one gamble of life that adults have to take.

alicia | 12 years ago | Reply @Sindhu hahaha. I also thought it was the khawateen digest advice page.

MBI | 12 years ago | Reply In other words, the grapes are sour!

j | 12 years ago | Reply Majority of arrange marriages lead to extremely painful lives for one or both, usually the wife in our society. just because they don't divorce is no way of concluding that marriage was successful. also you have not given any citation when you say arranged marriages are statistically more successful. 90% of people show their fake sides in arrange marriages as well, and its usually not the case with love marriages. distorted facts all the way.

Someone | 12 years ago | Reply Your conclusions are based on faulty and highly circumstantial premises. Although you have taken the psychological perspective in the above article there is a huge gap where more important reasons and arguments surpass the psychology. Above all, this is a daring and somewhat misplaced generalization.

Sindhu | 12 years ago | Reply Khawateen digest zara kam para karen.

Ali Wali | 12 years ago | Reply It is better if someone gives you a girl, rather than trying to woo and waste time and money, is not it, lol.

Talha | 12 years ago | Reply I am 25 now and I have decided, I will only marry after falling in love. I would never be happy in an arranged marriage, its not in me to develop a relation from nothing. This post works for some people but it does not convince me. I have to take the step and do it myself because thats the way its meant to be.

Mj | 12 years ago | Reply The analysis you have put forward is quite superficial and does not take into account the socioeconomic complexities behind arranged/love marriages and divorces. I have nothing against arranged marriages, but lower divorce rate for them might stem from apparent timidity of the persons involved. A lady or a man who is willing to undergo a marriage settled by parents can hardly be expected to be brave enough to ask for a divorce. Furthermore, a very small percentage of women in Pakistan are self-sufficient and financial insecurity might compel many to stick with their partner, regardless of marital circumstances. We also need to take in to account that love marriage, like divorce, is still very much a taboo, and the person who's willing to ignore one is likely to not care about judgmental attitudes towards divorced couples, of which the women bear most of the brunt.

Sajid | 12 years ago | Reply Was this a blog or just an extended tweet out of gut feeling? the probability of a love marriage failing is higher than an arranged marriage. How comfortably do you leave out the social contexts in which love marriages AND arranged marriages occur. Love marriages occur when the two individuals are independent (in making their decisions by their own) (usually in non-conservative societies) and arranged marriages occur mostly when the two parties (soon-to-be mian biwi) are not as independent in making their life decisions (mostly happen in conservative societies). THEREFORE, love marriages fall apart because the parties are FREE to divorce if they think it is not working out. Arranged marriages don't fall apart BECAUSE the parties are not as free (social pressures et all) even if it is going horribly for the parties. if the parties in arranged marriage were free to make those decisions they wouldn't be "subject" to arranged marriage in the first place. however, if you are soon to be wedded out by your parents, its a good way to console yourself.

BlackJack | 12 years ago | Reply The only love marriages that I hear Pakistanis supporting are those where a minor Hindu girl is supposed to have fallen for a Muslim man double her age and has simultaneously had a religious epiphany during the period when she was unreachable due to mysterious reasons.

K | 12 years ago | Reply A native American saying : For marriage "you need an open mind and a willing heart ".

Parvez | 12 years ago | Reply All the way through this you indicated that you sided with arranged marriages and then in the last paragraph you ended up 'sitting on the fence'. Also the last para made the most sense.

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