Remember when Apple & BlackBerry were fruit?

KARACHI: I long for the days when I was less connected to people.

I want to have my wings clipped, my powers confiscated, my lights dimmed. The white noise of technology and the constant, relentless communication have sapped me of my soul. I'm scared of getting an iPhone. I feel like I will only be able to make friends with other people who have iPhones. We will meet once a month to discuss how awesome we are. We will talk about how BlackBerry users have no taste and no brain.

I will have to learn the secret iHandshake and use the iToilet.

Someone will show me a cool new application that makes their phone into a flute, dog or Hitler moustache and I will immediately covet it.

I'm scared that I will forsake buttons altogether and start palming my TV screen in a futile effort to change the channel.

I'm scared of getting a BlackBerry too. I'm terrified of the fascist regime when it comes to instant messages. You see, if you send somebody a message, you will instantly know whether they have read it or not. When they don't reply that minute, you will know that they are ignoring you. Then you will die alone, with seven cats.

I'm scared I won't be able to use proper words anymore.

Instead of laughing, I will either hold up a sign saying ‘LOL’ or if it's exceptionally funny then ‘ROFL.’

‘LOL’, stands for laugh out loud. Can you imagine this happening in real life? When you hear something mildy amusing, do you throw back your head and guffaw loudly? Not always. You could perform a variety of activities: a chuckle, a smirk or a raised eyebrow. Am I to believe that all these wonderful, varied human actions that range from the subtle to the bombastic have been watered down and condensed into one significantly deranged looking acronym? People now include a LOL in all their text messages, leading you to wonder, “Am I really that funny?” You eventually believe in your own hype, become an unsuccessful stand-up comedian and die alone, with seven cats.

If LOL had an insane cousin that escaped from an asylum, it would be ROFL. This stands for ‘rolling on the floor laughing.’ Not only does this acronym rob you of most of your dignity, it is usually a complete lie. Unless you are in the middle of your office rolling on the floor, howling with laughter while your coworkers take pictures of you to put on the internet later, do not tell me that you are ‘ROFL.’

I live in constant fear. The fact that I cannot check my email, Facebook or Twitter on my phone means that I might miss the latest updates. Someone could post something funny on Facebook and I might have a fantastic retort for it but I might see this too late, someone else might have already made an insanely funny retort instead of me. My online life will have passed me by. I will die alone, with seven cats.