New year: My backup resolutions

Like every year, I make unrealistic resolutions that my entire family knows I’ll surely break.

Like every year, I will make these unrealistic resolutions that my entire family knows I’ll surely break. The ones that go: I will meditate everyday, learn Kung-fu, make my husband feel like a demigod and have a derriere like Kate Middleton’s sister.

But come January 1, 2013, the bijli goes first thing in the morning, my husband-cum-child screams at me for not getting up and making him breakfast. My meditation skills will go out the window, I’ll try my own version of Kung Fu on my husband (i.e wringing his neck with my bare hands) and then, out of guilt for breaking all my resolutions, I’ll stuff artery-clogging parathas down my throat.

So here are just a few backup resolutions that I’m more likely to follow in the coming year:

So here are just a few backup resolutions that I’m more likely to follow in the coming year:

1. Allieviating depression  — Limit my Facebook newsfeed from that one girl on my friends list whose adventure-filled, gloriously happy life makes me feel completely inadequate.

2. Learn a new skill  — Since Grey’s Anatomy’s operating table skills are less likely to come to use than cooking skills, watch more MasterChef.

3. Health change — Since I’m not quitting watching my daily dose of MasterChef, how about I watch it all standing up so I lose weight? That way, when someone I ‘m rooting for on the show gets eliminated, I won’t even have to get up in surprise; I’ll already be up!

4. Adventure resolution  — Let my roots come out completely so I can see for once what my original hair colour is.

5. Money saving — Don’t bother with a gym membership this year because I know I’ll only go there once, look at all the fat aunties, realise I’m still thinner and refuse to go again.

6. Reducing stress — Whenever I’m stressed, lash out on someone I love. Just gave the husband a good daant, already feel better!

7. Beat the addiction — Have too much coffee everyday? Smoke more than you should? I say hide it better so that no one knows! There’s nothing like swigging a hot cup of java in the bathroom when everyone’s asleep. Also gets you lots of alone time ... so double yea!

8. Give to others — You know the recession has been pretty hard on Louis Vuitton, help the brand survive.

9. Spend time with the family. Watching MasterChef together counts as family time right? I’ll make them all stand up so we all lose weight as a family.

10. Take care of debt — Change my name and number. There’s only so much credit companies will do to find me.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, December 30^th, 2012.

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