I once asked a woman in a senior leadership role, what the number one issue she faced in the work place was. Expecting to hear glass ceiling, harassment and all the usual working women issues, imagine my surprise when she replied, “Guilt.”
This got me wondering why working women can’t shake that devil called guilt off their shoulders no matter how in control they are of their life.
When I was single and working I felt guilty that I was not spending enough time with my parents and siblings and helping with the household chores. When I got married I felt guilty for not being the perfect housewife. And once I had a kid, the emotion went to a different level altogether.
It’s not that this horrible feeling creeps up every time you have to work over a weekend or travel for business; it’s a constant, dull, ache. You feel guilty when you’re at work for all the things that you could be doing at home with your kid and when you are home it’s guilt for all the challenging assignments you could be doing if you didn’t have responsibilities to fulfill at home. This is usually followed by a series of questions: “Is it worth it?’, “Am I doing the right thing?” and “Do I really want this at this point in my life?”
After going through this drill for a big part of my career, I came to the conclusion that while there was no pill to make the guilt go away, thankfully it was not the worst thing to live with. It forced me to dig a little deeper to understand where this emotion was coming from and why it attacked me constantly. So I did what every typical business graduate would: I drew a decision tree of my life and all the choices I had. I could quit and spend all my time with my family and do all the things that I never have time for – basically spend my savings at the beauty salon. I could work from home – that way I could be in two places at the same time. As the drawing on the sheet took the form of a lush, healthy tree, I realised that it couldn’t be one without the other.
I wanted to work. It meant something to me and if I was choosing that path, it would mean I would have to sacrifice some things. The tree I made helped me sift through what I was choosing and what I was giving up. As long as it was a choice, it meant that I was in the driving seat. Working comes with its own set of sacrifices and the question is not whether we feel guilty about these sacrifices but whether we choose to choose versus letting it happen to us. More importantly, we have to forgive ourselves for these sacrifices because you only feel guilty in the 20/20 vision of hindsight.
As for how in control I am, I may feel like a 4 out of 10, but this is only at this point in my life which means that there is hope of it getting better – and that I can live with. So the moral of this story is that once in a while it is good to indulge in a little bit of remorse to figure out and make peace with the choices you have made in life. It also helps give clarity to your long term goals, desires and dreams. After all, you have to be okay with the choices you make. So for now all I am going to feel guilty about is devouring the chocolate fudge cake.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, July 29th, 2012.
COMMENTS (5)
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thank God m not guilty for the decisions i make, otherwise my life would have been more than the worse...
I believe that every decision in life has an opportunity cost attached to it and some decisions make more sense when we look at them retrospectively rather than prospectively. Working or staying at home is also a similar case. The guilt feeling about not giving "enough" time to your family may feel bad initially. However, there is also a strong possibility that later in life, after giving up your career, you feel guilty about being unfair to yourself by not pursuing your career.
Madiha couldn't agree more......Indeed life is about making choices and you are very right in stating that majority of working women at some point in time do go on this guilt trip. I think what we don't realise is that other than being someone's mother, sister, wife, aunt, girl friend, etc we are "INDIVIDUALS", we need space and time to exercise our element, fullfill our dreams and be happy. Life would be much more miserable for us and people around us, if we don't do what we actually want to do.
Dear Whats Wrong, if you can read Noam Chomsky (a westerner) I guess people can read express tribune too.
My My!!! ET does find articles which will ask ppl to comment against Religion. Western influenced writers are ready to change opinions!!!
“Noam Chomsky, one of the most respected political analyst and activist, in his book Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media analysed media’s role in democratic societies in shaping opinions and perception of public- in the interest of influential corporations and political parties. We have to realise Media groups are NOT non profit social service organisations. Media Groups are businesses, and at the end of the day all that matters are profits. That is why and how they exist. And therefore they will protect interests of those who bring in the most profits – and in their case these are the large corporations, political parties with big pockets and secret agencies – both local and foreign – distributing their funds.”
plz ET post my comment!