10 worst wedding proposals

If you want a yes, steer clear of these things.

KARACHI:

Every day, thousands of men around the world, and some daring women, pop the question to their significant others. Whether it’s the party who is thinking up creative ways to propose or the one saying “I do”, the marriage proposal is one of the most stressful parts of getting hitched.

Once you propose, there’s absolutely no going back and additionally, how proposals have to be memorable, otherwise, what would you tell all your friends, family and grandchildren who will inevitably ask this question? So, to help all the clueless, lovelorn souls, we’ve rounded up a list of ways that should be avoided at all costs.

1. On SMS or email

A proposal like, “Dearest Guinevere, U R the luv of my life. Please make me the happiest man in the world and marry me. Text me your answer” is bound to get you slapped instead of becoming the happiest man in the world. Because there’s literally nothing that screams that you’re a lazy lover than a proposal over an answering machine, phone, via text message, or with an annoying banner ad on her favourite website.

2. In her food

If you involve food in the proposal equation, be prepared to sift through some number two if things go wrong. You could also end up like Mr Chen from Xinyan Town, Fuqing City, whose girlfriend Wen fainted when she realised that she had just swallowed the ring with a full mouth of cake.

3. On billboard or big screens

There’s nothing cheesier or more stressful than looking at your name flashing on the big screen, while thousands of people cheer you both. The problem with such proposals is that not only does the entire planet find out, there are awkward silences and thousands of uncomfortable glances to deal with if they say no.

4. On a flight 

While Hollywood would have you believe that there is nothing more romantic than turning up last minute on your lover’s flight and proposing, it’s a horrible way to do it. In case she says no, you can’t even run away and squirm into a pathetic little ball because you’ll be stuck with them in the same vicinity for hours. How awkward!

5. During a funeral procession

A close friend or family member’s death can call for a heavy dose of contemplation. But no matter how bad your mid-life crisis may be, don’t reach out and pop the question to the next person who is standing next to you at the funeral. Timing is half the battle.

6. During her wedding 

Another Hollywood favourite is when a man turns up seconds before the love of his life ties the knot with someone else and begs her to marry him instead. But in real life, there’s nothing tackier than a man turning up unannounced and stopping the vows. If you like her so much, why not tell her before she hooks up with someone else, plans an exorbitant wedding and almost goes through with it.

7. At a fastfood joint

If we haven’t made it obvious enough, public proposals are the worst because no one wants to remember that their husband proposed to them while gorging on an upsized double whopper meal.

8. Through someone else

Proposals should be intimate and personal, unless you’re Kim Kardashian and want everything paraded in front of the paparazzi. So having some Tom, Dick or Harry deliver the news to her is possibly the worst way to get a yes.

9. Without a ring

While the urge to tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them may hit a person any time, it’s best to wait until you’ve actually purchased a ring. And once you have the ring, please ensure that it’s neither borrowed, stolen or once worn by your ex.

10. With the words: “I won’t find anyone better”

While the size and shape of the ring, the venue and the occasion is important, it’s equally important to say the right thing while proposing. So saying something as hurtful and stupid as, “I won’t find anyone better” is bound to get you gagged, stripped and kicked to a pulp.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 4^th, 2012.