Malodorous reporting, Sir!

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My High Priest Hermit of the Presidency, it is your trusted sage Rehman Malodorous reporting. Dark Lord, as per your instructions I have been learning yoga to dislodge my foot from my mouth. It shall be free from my oral cavities soon, so I can walk with dignity again.

And now Sir, highlights of the main issues you wanted clarity on, whether the match was fixed and if the balti chicken on Burns Road is hygienic. Allow me to prioritise, yes, the chicken is good to eat. And the cook, from what our intelligence gathering has told us, is not a blasphemer. So he is alive. For now.

I will be the first to admit Sir, that I know very little about cricket. But you shall be pleased to know that has not stopped me from giving you my expert opinion. It has, however, stopped me from reciting the Holy Quran. I stopped not because of the press criticism, because I have never cared for what they say, but because when your foot is always in your mouth it is hard to maintain the wuzu.

Yes, about the cricket. It was fixed. It seems they are not afraid of my warnings. Inshallah, once I develop a spine after careful surgical grafting this will not be the case next time. No Sir, I am not being rhondi about Dhoni.

You will be happy to know that I have furthered our diplomacy in India. If you remember, your attempt at flirting with Sarah Palin was as successful as the Kargil Operation. I firmly told the Prime Minister that he should keep his banter family friendly, and to ask about the health of her (Sonia Gandhi’s) children instead of complimenting her beauty. But you know these Indians, she did not take it well.

Sir, I have received your new shopping list from Harrods. Please sanction Zulfiqar Mirza to shoot his mouth off again so I can make the trip to the United Kingdom. They have very good sales these days. Altaf Bhai will lend us his discount card for the mall on High Street.

Also, I need to report that terrorists are targeting shrines once again. No Sir, shrines are not a form of bitter wine. They are places of worship. And no Sir, Poonam Pandey has not taken any action yet. I am monitoring the situation on a war footing and will let you know of any development if and when it happens.

Sir, this is just in, apparently she has changed her offer now by saying she will only go nude in private in front of the Indian team. This is similar to our changed stance on to the restoration of the judiciary.

Sir, to avoid misunderstandings with the public I am now directly talking to them through Twitter. Please Sir, do not say I need a babysitter for Twitter. Terrorism is under control which is why I am now looking at other important matters. I opened the free pollen allergy camp in Aabpara, last week. Inshallah, your nosy-posy will be all better soon.

Sir, I have also told Interpol to cancel Terry Jones’ priesthood. They have said they don’t have the mandate. I have written to the Pope to cancel the priesthood of Terry Jones. He says that he doesn’t have the mandate because Terry Jones is not a Roman Catholic but a Protestant. The Catholic Church says Terry Jones is actually a pastor, as if I would believe he is a macaroni.

The situation internationally is not good. There is civil war in Libya, problems in Syria and my own blunderbussphilia. In addition, Bipasha is not happy with the performance of Deepika in Duma Maro Dum.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 5^th,  2011.