Science proves Pakistan has greatest cricket team

Science has conclusively proven Pakistan has the best cricket team in the world. No other cricket team is capable of conceding 444 runs in 50 overs without feeling an ounce of shame. At this stage, any news of spot-fixing will be a welcome relief for cricket fans in Pakistan.

Virat Kohli was on the brink of becoming a citizen of Pakistan after our cricket team beat India to the top of the test rankings, but I was only able to personally message 7,310 Indians the news before our ODI performances started. I strongly condemn the anti-Pakistan Zionist cult leader Mark Zuckerberg for banning me from Facebook just because I abused 7,310 people. If I cannot post hateful messages against India after Pakistan wins then what is the point of cricket anyway? Nobody is watching the same game for five days for entertainment purposes.

If our performances in test matches are like a love marriage, which despite its bumps and bruises is worth in the end, our performances in ODIs are like an arranged marriage with our phuppo ki beti whose occupation on Facebook is ‘Princess at Daddy’s lil princess’. Sure, it is still a marriage but you cannot publicly acknowledge your wife.

PHOTO: REUTERS

Similarly statuses of “What is cricket? Our national game is hockey” have gone up after our latest debacle in England. Last time a Pakistani delegation performed this poorly in England, Congress had taken control of the sub-continent as a result.

Our players seemed to do as much work as Gandhi’s fashion designer. Our entire performance was worse than the Radcliffe Award. Our bowlers defended totals like French soldiers, our batsmen chased scores like a dog running after its own rail and our fielders took catches as well as a Pakistani man on Tinder. If this performance had taken place a century earlier, all of us would have had to pay dugna lagan.

Our team performance was so mesmerising that every player deserves individual praise; from the opening batsman Sami ‘meri waar’ Aslam to Mohammad ‘meri bowling par bhi koi catch lay lo’ Aamir. Special praise should be reserved for Azhar Ali; storm troopers, mobile thieves and target killers have a better strike rate than him. Azhar is so defensive that after he retires he will head DHA.

Sharjeel Khan may be the best hooker in the team; a player who tries to bat like Sanath Jayasuriya but has the grace of Sanath trying to speak a sentence in Urdu. When we said the Pakistan cricket team missed Inzamamul Haq, we did not mean his fitness levels.

Babar Azam, unrelated to Quaid-e-Azam, at least made an attempt to compete with an admirable strike rate of 47.36 while chasing 445. Babar has as much power in the cricket team as the prime minister does in Pakistan.

Sarfaraz Ahmad, the captain we do not deserve but the captain we need, is the Batman of the Pakistan cricket team. I would not blame Sarfaraz if he absconds to another country and applies for political asylum like Pakistani wicket keepers in the past. Watching him fight in this team makes you understand why Rashid Latif even started claiming catches he never took. One thing you can surely say about Sarfaraz is that he is a keeper.

Azhar Ali. PHOTO: REUTERS

Shoaib Malik seems to only have been hired to provide eye candy. I believe the Haq Mehr decided in his nikkah to Sania Mirza was that Shoaib must always play in the cricket team.

Wahab Riaz’s spell to Shane Watson in the last World Cup made you think he has earned enough goodwill to stay in the team forever, but that was before he went for 110 runs in 10 overs. At least when Shoaib Akhtar went for so many runs he had the decency to pretend he was injured and left the field. At the very minimum, we at least had one centurion in our team.

Sarfraz Ahmed. PHOTO: AFP

Hasan Ali, Imad Wasim and Mohammad Nawaz are still young enough to recover from this mess. And you just have to look at Yasir Shah’s face and Mohammad Rizwan trying to hug Mohammad Irfan after the match to ensure you do not say a single bad thing about them.

Irfan himself has retired from international cricket and will now roam the streets of England as a Peter Crouch impersonator.

Mohammad Irfan. PHOTO: AFP

If the recent ODI series has shown us something, it is that we will definitely win the next World Cup. The last time England scored the highest ODI score ever against Pakistan in England was in the year 1992 and the score was 363.

And every Pakistani cricket fan knows what happened in 1992.

I cannot wait for Azhar to launch his own political party. Letting down the entire nation merely on the cricket field cannot be enough for him.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.