5 marriage blunders even smart couples make

Like any relationship, marriage takes compromise and work, and not just hope. Being married is all about building a bond that encompasses friendship, patience, understanding and unconditional affection. Compiled from Women’s Health and Prevention magazines, here are some of the mistakes couples make that unintentionally erode the precious bond.

Splitting house chores 50/50

This is often considered the “fairest” way to split chores, whether it’s washing the dishes or attending the kids’ parent-teacher meetings. But aiming for 50/50 means you’re constantly keeping score and making sure that neither of you is getting the short end of the stick — that’s no marriage! Spend too much time fixating on fairness today, and you risk not making it to the long run when things often balance out. It’s better where each of you is responsible for what you’re best at, relative to other tasks. You might handle all the bills and grocery shopping while your spouse can take over these jobs on the weekend or take responsibility for the kids’ homework. Some weeks, you’ll end up doing more, other times it might be 75/25 in his favour but the point is: don’t keep track!



Making baseless assumptions

Relationships have phases — yes, even marriage can go in cycles. There are booms and busts, just like in the economy. They’re not only unavoidable, but in fact, they’re super healthy for your bond. They force you to see where you’ve let things slide, taken each other for granted, or just lost sight of what’s significant in the relationship. Embrace the rough patches and borrow a concept from economics called “creative destruction,” or innovating in the face of an issue you’re going through with your partner and think up a novel solution to resolve it once and for all so it stops dividing you two.

Staying up to resolve an argument

Terrible idea! Sometimes, all we want is to be proven right, whatever it costs. And because our moms advised us to never go to bed angry, we beat up ourselves and our spouses into the wee hours in the name of “resolution”. But the more we try to resolve — in other words, win — the later it gets and the more exhausted and resentful we become. So yes, go to bed angry sometimes. Get some rest and sleep on it. Resume the anger fest in the morning when you’re both more open-minded and less peeved up. This is the economic concept of “loss aversion”, which, in simple terms, means we hate to lose. Recognising how much we hate to lose, we need to take actions to minimise the damage we do attempting to win at all costs.

Trying to mind-read

This one should be obvious but is so often overlooked! We all assume our spouse knows we need some reassurance — or nimco and cola after a bad day at the office, or just assume that hubby will get the car washed on his way back from work because it’s so noticeably dirty. The solution: the economic principle of transparency. Give your partner the information he or she needs, rather than expecting him or her to know the incomprehensible. Information is the grease that keeps your little economy functioning so voice what you want and you might actually get it!

Putting off kind little gestures

We think we’ll give him that well-deserved dinner of kofta and chawal, or watch the kids so she can get out the door for a child-free afternoon, but then we flake and forget. The time never seems right. The to-do list remains too long. We think we’re great spouses but sometimes we’re just not. The best solution to our procrastination is to devise something economists call “commitment devices”— ways to force ourselves to commit to things. Send your husband a text promising him that much-awaited dinner feast and you sort of have to do it. Arrange a mani-pedi session for your wife and the kids are all yours for the afternoon. A little give and take can get you a long way! 

Published in The Express Tribune, February 29^th,  2016.

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