Unleaked leaks

Anne Patterson on the people of Pakistan, Taliban, BB assasination and "Fuzzy".

Anne Patterson to State Department, dispatch #420000, 10th July, 2009:

I honestly can’t understand these Pakistanis. They’re pretty complicated people. In deference to local religious and cultural mores, I decided to wear a very modest, longish skirt while meeting Maulana Fuzzy (that’s my moniker: he’s all soft and hairy). He leered at me throughout the meeting. Finally he said it: “Weren’t you wearing a much shorter skirt when you met the PM?” I was taken aback. Before I could respond, he began beseeching me: “I really, really want to be the PM, too. Won’t you help me in this? I promise to round up all Taliban and hand ‘em over to you.” “Wait a minute, maulana,” I told him. “First of all, never mind my skirt length,” at which he made a long face and tugged his jihadist-style beard, “secondly, aren’t you supposed to be supporting this government?” He guffawed at this, his belly shook, and I thought it was October 2005 all over again. “Actually, I’m totally with them,” he retorted. “Except when I’m against them.”

I think we should explore his Taliban offer, though. We shouldn’t skirt around the issue, if you excuse the pun. We should go for it, even if it involves a little more, uh, legwork, if you excuse another pun. Please dispatch a fresh shipment of shorter skirts urgently.

Anne Patterson to State Department, dispatch #420111, 30th July, 2009:

I must reiterate: of all known world leaders, Pakistan’s president is our biggest ally. Forget Blair, forget Brown, forget even Obama himself: this guy is more committed to American interests than anyone else I know. My aides tell me he was once declared mentally unstable by medical authorities but I’m sure that’s not the reason for his loyalty and anyone who suggests such a thing must be insane. I say we give him all the copious aid he’s demanding and then some.

Anne Patterson to State Department, dispatch #420123, 14th Aug, 2009:

Today, on Pakistan’s national day, and as part of our extensive PR drive to win Pakistani hearts and minds, I paid effusive homage to the country’s national poet during a lavish ceremony in Islamabad.  I forget the guy’s name but I compared him to Whitman and Frost and lauded his efforts to bridge the East-West gap. My aides tell me he made no such effort but, heck, what’s the harm in saying it. The ceremony was attended by the (Lack of) Electricity Minister, Raja Pervez Ashraf who promised an early end to power outages through America’s help. My aides tell me we offered no such help but, heck, what’s the harm in saying it.

Later we distributed free candies — stamped with miniature American flags and inscribed with “A gift from the people of the US”— to all the poor kids we could find around Margalla hills. All items were immediately and voraciously consumed. That’s so typical of Pakistanis.

Anne Patterson to State Department, dispatch #420420, 19th Sep, 2009:

An interesting day, all in all. I was interviewed by this local journalist/analyst as part of his weekly show, “One Day with Gee-Whiz News”. I call the chap “Soh Wretched”. He speaks in an infuriatingly slow drawl and asks obnoxious questions. I tried hard to convince him that America was not behind BB’s murder or the 2005 earthquake; nor were Bin Laden and Bush old school-chums. The interview then veered off to other things. He asked me if Americans preferred waxing to shaving and who was my first teenage crush and why.

Thank heavens American press isn’t as free as Pakistan’s!

Published in The Express Tribune, January 9^th, 2011.