8 things you need to know about getting over your ex

The truth about moving on from your ex after breakup or divorce

Dealing with breakup or divorce is not easy. In our society not only does one have to deal with the emotional turmoil following separation but also the stigma attached to it.

While society won't change any time soon, there are some tips which might help you in getting over your ex, reports HuffPo. How you ask? Your brain may be hardwired to help you move on.



According to a study published earlier this year in the journal Review of General Psychology, humans may be built to experience the pain of a split and move on to a new partner.

Granted that the first few months after a breakup or divorce will be hard, it does get easier with time. Here are eight tips that relationship experts and HuffPo readers have shared about getting over exes:

1. There is no timeframe for recovery

The road to recovery is different for everyone. There will be days when getting out of bed will be a task...

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And then there will be days when you'll feel like the burden on your shoulders is finally off.

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Divorce expert Kira Gould shares that divorce is not a linear process. "There were times in the beginning of my divorce when I knew in my soul that I was done and over it -- and there are days now, six years later, when I am surprised to think fondly of my ex," she says.

2. It is difficult if you have kids

Joint custody, or seeing your ex every time they come over to pick up your child makes it more difficult to recover.

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"Whether you have children together does make a difference," says one HuffPo reader. "It's something that we have to live with for the rest of our lives, even if we do move on."

3. Remind yourself that you are capable of moving on

Take charge and accept the fact that you are in control of yourself and your emotions. You are not a calendar, relying on a certain period of time to get over the divorce will not help.

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"Recovering from divorce is ultimately about being willing to let go," says divorce coach Emma Heptonstall. "Letting go frees up emotional space, physical space and creates a path on which you can move forward. Being open to the possibility that you might be able to move on is the first sign that you already have."

4. Define yourself outside of the marriage

Marriage changes people and forces them to redefine their goals. After divorce, focus on yourself, make yourself the priority and re-embrace your goals pre-marriage, don't fixate yourself on moving on.

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"Regain confidence in yourself," says a HuffPo reader. "Chances are, your relationship changed who you were and you lost your identity or self worth."

5. Think of the future -- you will overcome this

Instead on feeling in the dumps about the event, take comfort in knowing that somewhere down the line you will overcome this feeling of melancholy and you'll finally be free of the past.

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"The year before I had looked around and felt an overwhelming sadness for the one person who would never again be sitting at head of my table," shares writer Amy Koko.

"This year as we laughed at the table, I felt a flush of warmth remembering how my ex always drank a glass of egg nog with his turkey dinner. In that moment, I hoped he was enjoying his day as much as I was… and that’s when I knew," she says.

6. It might hit you again after you thought the grief period was over 

It will be a roller coaster ride. You may have thought that your grief was over but then suddenly the whole episode will hit you again. Remember, it's okay. You're still adjusting.

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"Today, I find myself still dealing with some of the repercussions of my divorce and marriage," says HuffPo blogger Lindsey Light. "We were together seven years; I think it's good that I'm aware of this as I move forward in my life and relationships. That said, I can say with certainty that I am no longer bitter or heartbroken -- and I definitely don't have any romantic feelings left for my ex," she adds.

7. Don't pressure yourself into moving on

Accept that it will be a gradual process and something you cannot rush. Putting too much pressure on yourself to get over your ex will not make the pain go away any faster.

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"One of the greatest misperceptions of divorce is that it's something you move on from," says psychologist Andra Brosh. "The end of a marriage can be grieved and embraced as a life experience, but the mark it leaves can never be erased."

8. Down the road, look back at the good times you had with your ex

You've probably made some good memories with your partner, instead of dwelling on the past and the bad times, focus on the good, happy times in your relationship.

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"I like to think that my ex still has a small place in my heart that's compartmentalized," says Kira. "I honor the time we had together, but limited in a healthy way."