Plugging the leak

Julian Assange’s most marked legacy is that he almost, quite nearly, made me like President Zardari.

WikiLeaks will not change the world and that will be its greatest tragedy. A few years from now, when Hollywood makes the movie about the fast-talking Julian Assange (starring Justin Bieber) and how, in a bid to impress a girl who wouldn’t go out with him, he revealed that most diplomats and world leaders are gossipy trash talkers, we will all nod and go “oh yeah, I remember that vaguely, now let’s watch it in 3D.” Sure, over the next few weeks we will continue to pore over the leaked documents, or at least the few choice paragraphs that local newspapers will poorly misquote. The info revealed here appeals to the same poorly evolved reptilian part of our brain that still scours the web looking for new celebrity scandals and inadvertent cleavage. I, myself, have spent the last two days overloading Google’s servers with searches for Colonel Gaddafi’s apparently voluptuous Ukranian nurse. For journalistic research purposes I assure you.

That said, Assange’s most marked legacy, other than to make any future diplomatic meetings extremely awkward, is that he almost, quite nearly, made me like President Zardari. It was a brief moment I assure you, measured in nanoseconds, but it happened. I can’t quite put in words how it made me feel, so shocked was my system by what was occurring within it, but I know that I was left with a deep sense of self-loathing followed by a need to curl up and cry. If this is how Fauzia Wahab and other PPP-Z cronies feel all the time, then they have my deepest sympathies. I understand your suffering now.

What caused this scientific near-impossibility to occur? How did the universe betray all its laws and rules to allow such an abomination to take place? Why did my thoughts defy all logic, rationality and reason to consider our president in a positive light? The blame can only fall on Saudi King Abdullah. By insulting Zardari he, inadvertently, offered the highest praise. After all, if the monarch at the helm of a human rights disaster that daily defecates on free speech and minority rights and is essentially the interest-free credit card for al Qaeda and the Taliban, thinks Zardari is “rotten” then he can’t be all that bad. I would much rather have a president that King Abdullah hates, than one that he loves.

In an ideal world, Pakistanis would see how terrible is a Saudi government that goes easy on terrorism, encourages attacks against Iran and withholds funds from Pakistan while waging singular war on our Houbara Bustard population. We would shun them and their brand of toxic beliefs, demand our armed forces stop behaving like the King’s personal military retinue and expel al Qaeda and Taliban from our borders instead of playing that exhausting game of “my Taliban is different from your Taliban.” Maybe we would even take the time out to reconsider how badly Saudi influence has affected our society, give Sherry Rehman the support she deserves and amend the blasphemy law, thus saving an innocent woman’s life.

But none of that will happen. We are all so devoid of influence on matters of import that even such blatant exposure will have no effect on the long-term strategies of power players. America, Israel and Saudi Arabia will continue to build towards a military assault on Iran. We will continue to let our intelligence agencies provide a nurturing teat to the Taliban. Saudi influence in Pakistan will further erode all semblance of religious tolerance and development of non-extremist forms of Islam and religious extremists will continue to hold intelligence and compassion hostage.

Oh well, at the very least, I got to experience what it is like to respect our president. Now if you will excuse me, I have a Ukrainian nurse to interview.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 9^th, 2010.