10 things I hate about Apple

1.        It’s not a fruit.

2.      The look. It’s sleeker, shinier, sexier, your-pc-will-never-look-like-this-er. It’s the Naomi Campbell of technology and the most you can do is get the technological equivalent of an eating disorder trying to imitate its beauty, because nothing you ever own will look like that if it’s not a Mac.

3.     The attitude. Remember being an overweight, nerdy girl in 11th grade staring wistfully at the cool, skinny girls who got asked out to all the parties while you spent Saturday nights reading Jane Austen and improving your vocab?  That’s who you are doomed to be all your life unless you’re a part of the Apple clique.

4.     The interface. Think different. Think mind boggling. Oh, you thought pressing a button on your phone ended that call. Think again. Differently. It’s a swish of your fingers now. Oops, your fingers weren’t swishy enough and your girlfriend overheard you flirting with her best friend while you thought the call had ended. Oh well, at least it’s different.

5.     The fickleness - You just squandered your life’s savings buying the latest apple product. You have nothing to your name but you can hold your head up high because you have an identity, a mac-ship. For like five seconds. Because guess what, an even slimmer version of the phone you just bought has been released and it’s slimmer by a whole of 0.24536mm. So unless you have the new iphone 47thG, you`re back to being a nobody.

6.    The accessories. It’s not enough that you have the imac, the ipod, the ipad, the itoilet and the ideodrant. You absolutely need to have the imouse for your imac, the icover for your ipod, the iearphones, the itoiletpaper and ifacewash. After all, how does life make any sense at all unless you have a room full of Apple accessories that will become obsolete an hour after you buy them?

7.    The campaign — Yes, we know the Mac guy is cooler than the PC guy. Must that point be illustrated over and over again? We get it, even without the Drew Barrymores and the Giselle Bundchens.

8.    The applications. Once upon a time people read books, took walks along beautiful streets, went to concerts, called friends over for dinner, had hobbies, made conversations with passersby, collected stamps, watched the night sky and so on and so forth. Once upon a time people were people. Now they download apps.

9.    The ido — An apple product is not just a product. It’s a commitment, a relationship, a marriage, a pact with the Devil. It’s an ido and once you go Mac, you can’t go back.

10.   It’s practically a religion.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 5^th, 2010.