10 things I hate about gamers

1.     How they brag about killing five guys in a row. Seriously dude, I don’t care, so the next time you decide to tell me about your “accomplishments” keep in mind I’m going shoot you with that revolver in my drawer. And yeah, it’s real this time.

2.    If you don’t want to play Guess the Sketch Challenge with me, fine, but don’t tell me it’s not really a game.

3.   There is no beating them at their own game. A far worse scenario? They can even beat you at your own game.

4.   They can never have a connection with a real person, the only connection they have is with their damned joystick. And shhhhhh... they fall in love with the characters in their games.

5.   They are always online. And if it weren’t for the call of nature they’d never leave the lair.

6.   They just tune you out and would rather slay that dragon and hear it squeal.

7.   I understand that you have an undying secret love of destruction, but don’t yell out phrases like “cool” and “narly” when you see that Range Rover crash into my car, toss it two feet in the air and cause it to skid across the road right into the path of an oncoming oil tanker — a collision that is followed by a large explosion and blazing flames. Just wipe that look of awe and wonder off your face will you?

8.   The level of immaturity. I had my gaming phase when I was 10 and I got over it long ago.

9.   Your day was ruined because you lost to ‘that guy’ thrice. My heart aches for you and I thought I had a bad day when ‘that guy’ snatched my iPhone and this month’s salary from me on the roadside. But no, forget about me. I’m just being overly dramatic, you made me realise that there are people in this world who are far more unfortunate than I am.

10.   If those potions were real, the only ingredient you’d need to kill that creature would be your sweat.

Published in The Express Tribune, November 28^th, 2010.