DENVER, COLORADO, US: I despise children. No, maybe I should clarify: I am repulsed by the strange Pakistani culture that surrounds the concept of children. There’s an overwhelming societal expectation that a person with a uterus must not only have children (usually multiple), but that they must desperately want children, often to the exclusion of all else. It’s tied very much with the notion that everyone is supposed to get married and promptly produce offspring and put themselves neatly into hetero-normative traditional gender roles so as to be good adults and “productive members of society”. Those who don’t abide by this notion are outcasts.
This is the underlying idea that infests every conversation about health or future or family. It’s this concept that makes those who do not want children (biologically) to constantly brace themselves for potential arguments when they talk about any of these things. It’s the reason why family, friends, and even strangers feel completely within their rights to ask you about your reproductive plans, to make you justify all of your life choices to them at a moment’s notice, to question your thoughts and beliefs as if they know you better than you do yourself.
It’s the reason why the questions are so intensive that when someone, for their own personal reason, asks for lasting birth control in Pakistan. It’s the reason why we are told over and over the rate of regret, the success stories of people who changed their minds, the horror stories of those who didn’t. It’s the reason why, when you state that you have a “phobia of pregnancy” in the hope that it will make people stop asking you without making you explain yourself or justify your feelings for the umpteenth time, the only advice you get is, “Well, that mind-set needs to be fixed before anything else”.
It’s the reason why “because I don’t want children” isn’t enough. It’s the reason why adoption is never seen as an option because “you’ll want some of your own someday.” It’s the reason why people put such value on “extending the family line” and “continuing the family name.”
It’s the reason I have to say I hate children for people to stop questioning me on my views on them when I’m not even married. But just to clarify: I don’t hate children. I hate the misogyny that surrounds pregnancy. Most of all, I hate the people who perpetuate this culture, who deny someone else the right to say they don’t want to be part of it, who threaten to make them a part of it. But, you know, it’s so much easier — amongst people with one-track minds — to just say “I hate children”.
Published in The Express Tribune, November 21st, 2014.
COMMENTS (10)
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@ChildfreeChrstian: Yes, this! If I don't want kids it must be because I hate them and if I show any attention to kids present, then I have to be changing my mind or unsure. Why can't there be middle ground? Why can't I spend time with my nephews without someone making an ignorant comment about how I'm next?
Not wanting to be a parent yet still treating children like human beings isn't a contradiction.
Thankfully some of us read the article and comprehend the author's point.
Years ago I learned that saying "I hate children" is the only way to get most people to leave me alone. I would rather they think I'm mean than keep trying to convince me or verbally attack me for deciding to never have children.
I also learned years ago that ignoring the presence of children is the only way to get people to leave me alone. Looking at a child for even one second, being polite to a child, or playing around with a child usually results in people telling me that I'm wonderful with children and should have a child. These people cannot grasp that a moment with a child is not even similar to being responsible for a child and a lifetime with a child. To avoid that nonsense I ignore most children.
@salman: Good job reading the first sentence only!
Apparently, the others who commented don't know how to read. Thank you for sharing, I feel much the same way as you do. My husband and I are happily committed to sharing our lives with each other and our cats.
I can relate to this feeling completely. Married 4 years and still no children, we feel like we are letting everyone down by not having children. But this is a personal decision that involves my wife and I, and nobody else. The kind of looks and remarks we get when we make excuses to other people (strangers, sometimes!) makes us feel like we're shallow people. So what if our goals in life are bigger than just leaving behind a progeny to "carry the family name".
Pakistanis always seem to be concerned about the most trivial of things. I hope as education spreads, people's collective intellects rise and they stop making stupid assumptions based on mere conjecture just because they understand so little about life.
Children are a huge responsibility if you intend to raise good human beings. Such decisions should never be made in haste, or just to comply with society's expectations of us.
I'd like to thank the author for penning down their thoughts. Good for you!
I can completely relate. Ignorant people who refuse to understand that not everyone is driven to reproduce, regardless of circumstance. It's not a psychological problem, it has nothing to do with bitterness or a bad childhood. It has everything to do with personal preference. It is so much easier to say you hate kids than to try to explain that you have no desire to have them, never had and never will.
Difference for the sake of difference? If not a deeply rooted psychological issue for sure.
I used to feel like you about children, until I fell in love with someone who loved me back just as much. For that love to happen, I had to first let go of a lot of baggage and bitterness.
well written article. allow others to decide for themselves.
Little confused by this article. You hate children. Why should I care?