Fatherhood

Instead of constant criticism and lectures, fathers need to learn to talk to their children & more so, listen to them.

Fatherhood! It is impossible to deny the importance of a father’s role in guiding and educating children. And in a patriarchal society like Pakistan, that role becomes even more important. Yet why is it that Pakistani fathers rarely have any communication with their children, especially their daughters, except to scream instructions or enforce punishments?

A father emerges as the first role model for his children. Researchers have proved that children who are not properly guided by their fathers are more susceptible to depression and more likely to use drugs or demonstrate delinquent behaviour. Such children are also more likely to experience sexual abuse, violence, lack of self-confidence and many other social evils.

The general perception in Pakistan is that a man goes out and earns while a woman stays at home and takes care of the house and kids. Even if the woman works, the expectation is still that it the mother’s JOB to raise the children. Unfortunately, raising a child — let alone multiple children — is just not a one-woman job. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.

In many households, men come home after work, say a few words to their wife and kids, eat dinner and go to bed. If any of the children has behaved badly, then they first lecture or scream at the child concerned and then go to bed. There is no cuddling, affection, hugs or even general chitchat. Instead, Pakistani fathers often have an awkward uncommunicative relationship with their children.

Parents in the Western world (and specifically Canada and the US) often have a very different approach. Fathers change diapers, bathe, and feed and tuck their children into bed at night with much pride. Parental responsibility is very much shared and both parents often have an open and friendly relationship with their children as they grow older. Men even take maternity leave instead of their wives if the wife earns more or if they mutually decide that the father with be the caregiver while the mother goes back to work.

There are plenty of single mothers in Pakistan. I was one of them until I remarried about a year and a half ago. Initially when Hamza, my son, was a toddler I used to look with envy at all my friends who had so called complete normal families. I thought that both parents split responsibilities and raise their children together, even if the woman is a homemaker. I started asking my friends how to manage as an only parent. But very soon I discovered that most mothers in this country are single mothers, whether they are married or not.

I don’t understand Pakistani men think it beneath them and humiliating to help out at home or be more involved in upbringing their children. There are couples where the man has a more nurturing nature that the woman. Yet the traditional roles are still adopted for the sake of ‘what will people say or think’. The woman is miserable at home and the man unhappy about his nine-to-five job.

A father and child relationship can be extremely fulfilling if we get rid of the traditional cultural perspective on how a father-son and father-daughter relationship ‘should’ be. The more hugs and cuddles you give your child, whether you are a mother or father, the more secure and confident your child grows up to be.

When it comes to parents, the good cop/bad cop approach doesn't really work. No one parent should be the good guy or the bad guy. Both parents should have an affectionate but authoritative relationship with the children and should always come across as a team in decision-making situations. Children should never be ‘scared’ of any one parent. Instead, they need to respect each of the parents.

Whether it is the mother or the father taking charge, it seems that the key to keeping our children healthy, happy and safe is communication! Instead of constant criticism and lectures, fathers need to learn to talk to their children and more so, listen to what they are saying — not just through their words but also through their actions. Kids don’t come with a manual; we just have to create our own manual according to each specific child we produce.

Women shouldn’t have to do it alone.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 29^th, 2014.

Like Opinion & Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.