Do you feel responsible for other people; their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? If the answer is yes, then you may suffer from a syndrome known as codependency.
Let me give you some more examples of codependency.
Two people at your workplace are vying for a promotion. One is a friend, the other is not. The promotion doesn’t go to your friend. You feel angry and possibly even more upset about this than your friend.
Now let’s alter the situation a little bit. Imagine that you got the promotion over your friend. Do you feel insecure and guilty that you got what someone else wanted even though you might have actually deserved it? Do you find yourself apologetic and defensive even when this doesn’t help the situation but ends up making it worse.
Do you feel bored and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? This often happens when one is unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems. When you are the ‘problem solver’ in any given situation, your self-worth and the sense of being is on an all-time high. The second the issue is resolved, you feel agitated and lost.
Codependent personalities don’t just love drama, they are addicted to it. When they don’t find drama, they create it. When they don’t find any victims among their acquaintances, they go look for someone with problems. This is not healthy.
One problem when one is addicted to codependency is that one loses interest in their own life when they are in love. Basically, everything becomes about the other person and the things that make them happy. People end up doing things that are unsustainable in the long term. This works only for a short term and one can’t keep up with the pattern they have set. What happens is that the other person gets used to a certain treatment and when we pull back, the situation becomes unpleasant. Then one ends up staying in relationships that don’t work. When one finally does muster up the courage to walk away, it is messy.
Codependency can happen in any relationship, be it life, work, love, family or friends. Codependent people can be so stuck on other people’s approval that they will go to any lengths to please and get their approval. This often stems from low self-esteem and a desire to be loved by all.
Here is the harsh but simple reality: how can you love anyone if you can’t even love yourself first? Hearing the announcement on the airplane when they tell us about the oxygen masks always makes me smile. It goes something like, ‘please put on your own mask first and then help the elderly and children’. You have to be good to yourself before you start going out of your way to help others. I know so many people who literally run themselves ragged because they are so eager to please others. People love such individuals but the problem for codependent persons is that they wind up tired, overworked, stressed out and in poor health.
I am in no way preaching selfishness. It is a beautiful thing to be there for people and to make the lives of others easier. To care is a wonderful thing. But don’t love others to a point where you lose yourself in the process. If you are not on your own priority list, then eventually you will collapse and lose all sense of sanity.
Published in The Express Tribune, July 21st, 2014.
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COMMENTS (14)
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Blog is bearable infact reasonable ........ but comments beneath the blog are full of crapssss........
@Gp65: Wrong. Most men are taught it is manliness and honour to put your family-wife and children and their needs before you. Otherwise you are just not a man.
@Gp65: They are changing at a slow place. Divorce carries greater stigma and there is greater reliance on tradition and what people will say than independence and individuality. So if a girl is assertive and the marriage does not work out, there is the shame of divorce, parents not being supportive, etc. Even if a girl is financially independent, living alone is not socially acceptable and a divorcee mingling with men is considered questionable. So yes things are changing but men still do know that they can get away with anything and girls do know that one false step may ruin their lives (divorce being considered as ruin-by society, not by me) :) The biggest change is some young men, being educated living and working abroad being more understanding and supportive. However, the mindset that 'making a marriage work is a woman's job' still prevails across all socio-economic brackets. Hope that helps.
I loved the article and I could relate to it pretty well. Getting approval from people and low self esteem are very vulnerable things. Thanks for the write !
Most women -at least in South Asia are taught to put their husband and kids needs ahead of their own. Most men are taught to expect such behavior from their wives. This is not co-dependancy but indoctrination - not just from what is verbally taught to you but what is observed all around you.
I see this as changing in the younger generation in urban India among middle class and obviously do not know if things are changing in Pakistan and if so at what pace.
Miss Kazim is quite a writer in describing simple characteristics in a complicated and mysterious way. Lady, you are simply describing the behavour style of iterpersonal relationship of two individuals, one is assertive and the other one is submissive!
Rex Minor
Assuming that this is an "original" piece, it sure deserves to be framed and Hung on a Wall -- an absolute masterpiece on human relations... and its various travails. Juggun sahiba, let others say whatever they say... but we all LOVE YOU... as always.
Love everyone but never women...!! Because what you can buy you need not to love just use..!!
hmmm....let me think ... oh yes you are stupid
We all love ourselves first. That is an instinct we humans are born with. WE love our parents and when we grow up and and do not need them go our own ways. Yes, we do not abandon them, but give priority to our own family first. Like your own small kids and spouses. That is normal and we should not feel guilty about our feelings. Outside the family also we should and do look after ourselves first. Even brothers and sisters go their won way. It does not mean not helping others, but looking after your interest first.
Unsure if being bit selfish is an antidote for codependency. If one can't function from his/her innate self, and instead, organizes thinking and behavior around a substance, process, or other person(s), don't think results will be much different.
Not necessarily